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Monday, 10 April 2017

Is this my rock bottom?

If you are following me, waiting to read how well I have done, stop reading.

I can honestly say that for the last little while I have been feeling a level of hopelessness I have never experienced before. Not hopeless like I want to die, or do something rash or drastic, but hopeless like I have let my life pass me by and I have fucked up my body and metabolism so much that there is no going back from this. I feel hopeless in a way I imagine a drug addict feels hopeless. I know what I want, I intellectually know how to get what I want but I seem incapable of taking those steps for any constant period of time to get there. I know what foods to eat to be healthy. I know I need to move my body. I even know that neither or those things need to be on any extreme level. I know that moderation in all things is the key. I know that slow and steady wins the race. I know that if I want to live a long and healthy life I need to make changes. I know that I want to be healthy. I know that I want to be more fit. I know that I want to feel and look better. I know all this but it seems the desire for these things is not as strong as the desire for what can only be described as death wish behavior.

It is no secret that I am lonely. But there is a catch 22 here. I am a social person and I want to meet more people. I want to be in a romantic relationship but I can't meet new people the way I look and feel now. The more isolated I am, the more lonely, sad and bored I am and so the more I make excuses to eat.

Something really weird happened to me last week. I was feeling like crap, I had just dropped my kid off at their fathers, which meant a few days alone for me, so I was sad and feeling lonely. I had been doing nothing consistent for months to try to get healthy. I needed a few groceries and driving to the store I had that old familiar conversation with myself about how it was time to get back on track. How my May deadline was coming up and I hadn't lost any weight or inches. I told myself I was going to get busy. How I know I will feel absolutely shitty at that event in May if I don't do something. I pepped talked myself into not wasting any more time. I got to the store and started shopping with the best of intentions. Then the weird thing happened. I started to think about how maybe I should have one last day and enjoy the foods that I loved and craved before I got back at it tomorrow. I convinced myself that since it was already afternoon it would be fine to finish out the day eating those things I know are triggers and will avoid for the next 7 weeks. I completely rationalized buying ice cream, a couple donuts and some chocolate chips to make cookies. I even convinced myself that buying the smaller ice cream carton so I wouldn't have any left over in the house was sound judgement. All this wasn't even the weird thing that I earlier referenced. I have probably convinced myself that tomorrow would be a new day hundreds of times in the 37 years I have struggled with my weight. I would just get this out of my system, blah, blah, blah. No, the weird part was what happened while I was driving home. I suddenly noticed that I was looking forward to going home and eating all that crap with the same feeling of excitement I have felt before when I was getting ready to see my former boyfriend.  I realized that I felt happy and excited in a way that I hadn't felt in a long time. It was weird and it freaked me out! I felt happy and excited about going home and eating a bunch of crap! Once I realized how good I felt about this, it made me feel bad. It made me seriously question what the hell is wrong with me? It made me wonder if the idea of eating food could make me feel this good, how was I ever going to battle that? It made me realize that I haven't felt happy since I ended things with my boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, I have had pockets of happiness and good times since then, but they have been too few and too far between. I would like to say that I don't need a man, or more specifically 'that' man to make me happy but the fact is the only time I have ever felt truly happy, day in and day out, for an extended period of time was when I was with him. It was the only period of my life that I felt like I was enough. I never felt it with my husband. I may have felt it with previous boyfriends, but I don't remember that feeling of belonging and acceptance as profoundly as I did with him. To be fair, that may have been because I was quite young, or it may have been that I didn't notice how important it was when I was young because I always felt it, or possibly because I hadn't gone through any lengthy period of profoundly not feeling it like I did when I was married.

So realizing all this on the drive home made me sad. One might think that seeing all this clearly would have made me more determined than ever to stop using food to make me happy, one might think... Truth is I felt shitty, so I went home and ate those feelings too.

The next day after eating the ice cream and the donuts and the chocolate chips, (I couldn't be bothered to make the cookies so I just melted a bunch of them and mixed in some peanut butter,) I did, once again resolve to do better, and I did. I ate well all day. I had three good meals with snacks and it was a good sensible day.

Then the final reason for  my current despair occurred. For some reason that I can't even figure out I started to tell myself that it would be ok to have a package of sesame snaps for my evening snack. Now a package of sesame snaps in of themselves is not all that bad. I had eaten well all day, why not? So despite having a lengthy conversation with myself about if I really should have them or not, and about how I wasn't really hungry, and about how it would feel great to have a really good day of good eating behind me I got up and walked to the cupboard and got the sesame snaps. It was almost like an out of body experience. I didn't really want them. I knew I didn't need them. I knew that it could possibly set things in motion that I didn't want. I got up and I got them anyway. At the risk of sounding even more crazy, it was like there was a second person there trying to talk me into it. I wasn't hearing voices, per se,  but there was a voice in my head that no matter how much I said no, would not drop it and shut up. So I had the package of sesame snaps, then I had another. Then I had a granola bar I wasn't desperately craving or even particularly wanting, then I had some more chocolate chips with peanut butter. I hated myself I little more with each thing I ate, but I couldn't stop! Ok, I could have stopped, if the stakes were real and immediate, (gun to head,) but without something that extreme I carried on until any remote chance of calling the day a win completely evaporated. So that is why I feel so hopeless. How do I combat so many years of yielding to that voice in my head? I'm 54 years old, every day my metabolism slows a bit more. Everyday I become more and more ensconced in my habits. Everyday I feel older and more like there is no hope for health, for fitness, for thinness, for happiness.

I have never felt this way before. I definitely did feel a degree of hopelessness when I was in my dysfunctional marriage but not like this. I could stand that because I had a family to raise and I believed it was important to keep my family together. I also had more social interaction because little kids get together to play, so their Mom's get together to talk. The difference now is that my family is all but raised and I don't have as much social interaction.

I know I can't spend the rest of my life feeling and looking this way, but for the first time I feel like it's hopeless. Before I always knew that when I was ready I could lose weight and get fit but now I wonder if I have waited too long. I wonder if that ship has sailed. That makes me so sad and it scared the shit out of me.

Monday, 27 February 2017

February 27, 2017

I always re-read my last post before I start a new one, just to remind myself of what my mindset was. It seems that there is a re-occurring theme. I have big plans, I'm going to really do some damage to the extra weight I carry. I have a timeline. I have goals. I do well for awhile then I mess up and throw the baby out with the bathwater. The most frustrating thing for me is that when I look back I always think, "what if...?"

Jan 5, 2017 I weighed 220.0 This morning I weighed 220.2. That would be great if I was trying to maintain a weight, however I am trying to lose weight. I will acknowledge the fact, and believe me it's no small thing, that at least I'm basically at the same place. I'll admit I'm having a really hard time not dwelling on where I could have been if I had been consistent for these last, basically 2 months. I know I need to stop that. I know that I should be celebrating the fact that I didn't gain 20 lbs in 2 months like I have at different times in my life. I know all this, but I'm having a bit of trouble talking myself into feeling it.

Actually now that I think about it, I may have gained almost 20 lbs in the last couple months. Let me explain, I did what I always do. I get all gung ho and lose 5 lbs fairly quickly. Then maybe because I get complaisant, or some event comes up that throws me for a loop, or maybe I just get hungry, or on some level I fear success, whatever it is, I lose my motivation and I gain it back in a week of weakness and gluttony. Then I get pi$%ed off at myself and start again. Lose five more lbs fairly quickly then the whole cycle is repeated over again and again.

I'm honestly really, really sad and stressed that I am not going to be looking and feeling better for the event that is coming up this week and over the next month. It is going to be so humiliating for me to see a bunch of people that I haven't seen since I gained all this weight back. Under my normal MO I would just make up some excuse and not go, (and believe me I have thought of doing that,) but that isn't possible this time. I have a old and dear friend that needs my help dealing with the clearing out of her parents home. I have seen the friend since I have gained the weight, but I haven't seen her siblings or their spouses. I'm so dreading it. I feel so ashamed. I'd like to say that the shame will work as a motivator for me, I'd like to say that, but the truth is I don't know for sure if it will or if it will just send me into a spiral of shame and eating. I guess that's up to me isn't it?

I'm also very, very sad that there is a huge, literally once in a lifetime event, coming up at the end of May and I will not be physically where I wanted to be. Yes I can make some significant change between now and then, it's 13 weeks away, but again I am a bit consumed by the fact that I wasted so much time. I've wasted so much life.

I have had a few epiphanies of late, hopefully they will stick. The first one I didn't think up, I've heard it before but I never really applied it to me. It is "Progress not perfection." I have let my desire for perfection mess me up in a few ways in the past. One, as I've mentioned, is that something comes up, and I lose my way. I have a day where I get off track and it becomes 2 days, then 3, and away I go. The really silly thing is that it might be a bad thing, like my ex being as ass, (although that honestly has very little effect on me anymore,) or me being sad or lonely. It could also be a good thing that happens, like I get together with friends or family. As happens with these events food is often a significant component and eat more than I should. Then I allow myself to think,"Ate too much yesterday, maybe just one more day before I get back on track." And you know where that goes. Another way my perfection messes me up is that I do so "well"  for a number of days that I suddenly find myself truly and actually hungry! When this happens I feel like it is more of a physical response than a psychological one. I need to eat! Then the above pattern repeats, one more day... So if I can let go of the perfection and just take one good day at a time I know I will do better. One good day, not a perfect day... so "progress not perfection."

The second thought/epiphany I had was, "I need to start to live like my life depends on it!" Because it does. The quality and longevity of my life anyway.

So once again I will write my plans and goals here. They are more realistic and attainable than before in that they don't depend on a number on the scale but on my actions in the move towards progress no matter what the speed of that progress is.

I will do my best to;

-walk 7000 steps every day. Obviously this makes my weekly goal 49,000. The reason I state that obvious fact is that I am going to give myself permission to use steps from a previous day, or make up steps on following days if I'm just not feeling the love for my treadmill sometimes.

-I am going to drink 2L of water every day. My body needs this to help my metabolism and general well being. My skin needs this to help with elasticity.

-I am going to put lotion on  my body at least once a day and I'm going to say loving things to myself  as I do.

-Because more and more studies show a link between successful weight lost/weight maintenance and getting enough sleep, I am going to strive for at least 7.5 hours per night.

-I am going to do at least 10 mins of Pilates exercises every day. When I lost 90 lbs before, waking up a little early and doing 20 mins of Pilates every morning really helped to set the tone for the whole day. I love how the Pilates makes me feel stronger and more flexible. I haven't been doing anything for flexibility for sometime so that is why, for now, I'm starting with 10 mins per day.

-When I brush my teeth 2 times a day, rather than just standing there, I'm going to do something to strengthen  my legs and increase  my balance. This will be something like squats, leg lifts or going up on my tip toes over and over. Just moving someway.

-At least some of the time when I watch tv I'm going to sit in the rocking chair and rock, or sit on the Swiss ball and gently bounce or move. Obviously this in of itself isn't going to make a huge difference but it will mean I am moving, at least a little bit more.

-I'm going to track what I eat. I'm not going for perfection here. I'm going to eat what I want, but I strive to be accountable and eat at least reasonable well. I hate to harp on this, but when I lost the weight before, I wasn't on any diet. I ate what I wanted, I just ate it in reasonable amounts.

I have never been a post every day kind of gal, but I do wonder if I made a commitment to post more if it would help me to be accountable? I'll give that some thought. Be forewarned, you may be seeing more frequent and more, (is it possible?) boring posts from me.

As always, thanks for reading and feel free to post a comment.

Thursday, 5 January 2017

Happy January 5th, 2017!

Last time I blogged I weighed 213.4. I made plans for a 2 week challenge, and I actually stuck to most of the things I challenged myself to for the 2 weeks. I was good with what I ate. I did a pretty good job with the water and the steps. I worked on saying nice things to myself while I put lotion on my body. I even got quite a bit done on that never ending "to do" list. I didn't blog, but my goal was pretty loosy goosy on that one.

So for 2 weeks I did quite well I'd say... and I lost (drum roll please...) 1-half pound! That's correct. 0.5 lbs. O.K. so I was on a plateau, I had lost almost 30 lbs all together mind you. Plateaus are normal, natural and to be expected. Yes I knew they happen, Yes I knew that it's a common occurrence, maybe even scientifically necessary. Yes I knew all this but that didn't stop me from being thrown for a loop. Or rather allowing myself to throw myself for a loop. I was disheartened! I want results and I want them now!! It's not like I have never heard the expressions "slow and steady wins the race," or "it's a marathon not a sprint." Sure I knew all this but it didn't stop me from becoming frustrated and hopeless. So I kind of said "screw it." I stopped making an effort to get those steps in, or drink the water, or work on the 'to do' list. My couch became more appealing than my treadmill and I started to coast. Interestingly this time I didn't say screw it and eat everything in sight. I was kind of still watching what I was eating, not diligently, but it was on my mind. I didn't want to gain the weight I had already lost but I certainly wasn't "working at it." A strange thing happened. I really didn't gain weight back. I didn't lose any more, but I didn't really gain. I was still weighing myself everyday and that was motivation enough for me to keep things between the lines, so to speak. I just danced around the 212.9 lb mark for a couple months. I made it through Halloween and didn't gorge myself on candy, even though there was tons around here. I made it through November, and December. I was staying where I was all the way through Christmas. It was a miracle! I was pretty pleased with myself for only gaining about 1.5 lbs in the couple months I had just been coasting.

Then an interesting thing happened, We had to have our Christmas celebration on Christmas Eve this year because I'm a divorced Mom. My family and extended family was here for our dinner on Christmas Eve. I made all the usual dishes, I didn't overindulge at all, food wise or otherwise, it was a successful day. My kid and I hung out on Christmas Eve after the extended family left. Christmas morning we got up and opened our stockings then I had to drop the kiddo at my ex's at noon. My family did come back for our traditional Boxing Day lunch of leftovers, (on Christmas Day this year.) We visited and played games, but everyone left about 7.

Then BAM!! A black cloud of sadness, loneliness and self pity descended on me like the lead vest they put on you when you are having an x-ray. In my delusional state I felt like the only thing that would make me feel better was to eat. I had tons of chocolates and nuts and cookies and baking in the house before Christmas and I didn't eat even one thing, I honestly didn't want it, but on Christmas Day, and every day since then, I have been eating like I may never eat again. I'm not really even sure how it's physically possible, but in the past 12 days I have gained 5.6 lbs. Now maybe some of that is water since I have been eating a lot of salty nuts, but still. Wow.

I guess the up side is that unlike other times in  my life when I've lost weight, then lost my way, I didn't wait until I gained all the weight back, or a huge chunk of it back, to get back on track. I need to count the fact that I am ready to put a stop to this foolishness now at 5.6 lbs,  as a victory.

So here we go, again...

I've got a few things coming up this spring and summer that I really would like to be looking and feeling good at. (Not to mention I have the rest of my life that I would really like to be looking and feeling good at.) First thing is the 3rd week in March, approximately 10 weeks away. It would be great to be 30 lbs lighter by then, lol, hell it would be nice to be at my goal of 75 lbs down by then, but neither of those things are going to happen so I am going to do my best and work for somewhere between 10 - 20 lbs down by then. The next big thing is at the end of May, 20 weeks away, after that it's the end of June, 25 weeks away. Then first week in July, 26 weeks away. I can't predict how much weight I'll lose but I can say that I am going to do my best to keep my eye on the prize so when each of these events come I will be able to say that I did the best that I could.

Jan 5, 2017 - 220.0 lbs.

Another long post, but I think it helps me. Maybe it helps you too, to fall asleep, haha. Glad to be of service. ;)

Sunday, 2 October 2016

Over 5 months since I last blogged.

So I wish I could report that over the past 5 months since I was here last and laid it all out, again, that I am 50 lbs lighter, having lost a wonderful 2.5 lbs per week. I wish I could report that, but no one will be surprised to hear that I can't.

I was so eager, I was so ready, I had a goal, I had a plan, then it all went to shit.

I don't remember what the specific trigger was that sent me for a loop. It doesn't matter, it was one of several that have historically been effective in messing me up. Or rather that I have historically allowed to mess me up.

As I stated in my last blog on April 19th, I weighed 225.6 lbs. I'm having a hard time as I write this not to beat myself up and do the math on where I could be if only...

It would seem that after pushing the button to publish that blog I went right back to eating like I was an Olympic wrestler in training, without the training that an Olympic wrestler does. So you know what that means... You don't? Well let me spell it out for you. I gained weight. 15.6 lbs to be exact, putting me within 2.4 lbs of my highest weight ever. I'm sitting here literally shaking my head at typing that. *Huge sigh...

But wait, the story of the last 5 months doesn't end there...

At the end of June I was talking with a very dear friend. She mentioned that in preparation for her upcoming European holiday that none of her summer cloths fit and she was frustrated. She mentioned that she saw a Groupon deal for Weight Watchers and she decided to join to lose the 10 lbs she had gained over the last few years so she could fit into her cloths comfortably. Of course my reaction was to tell her that I thought she looked great as she was, because she really does. But then internally my reaction was, "10 lbs??! Oh if I only had 10 lbs to lose!" I actually admire that she is 10 lbs away from where she feels she should be and she wants to do something about it. After all I was 10 lbs away from my goal weight too and after a few years I started to let the scale reverse direction and all to easily 10 became 20, then 40, then 87.6...

So anyway back to her decision to join Weight Watchers. I tried Weight Watchers back in the 80's when I had about 30 lbs to lose, or I thought I did. What I weighed then is pretty much my goal weight now. Anyway, the only thing I had ever tried before that was Scarsdale, remember Scarsdale? I lost weight on it, but please! Who can eat like that?! So when I tried WW I thought it was a good program. I lost about 10 lbs in a month, if memory serves, and figured I had it under control. I hated paying for it so I didn't stay on it longer than a month or so. Ever since then I have never gone on any kind of program. No Atkins, no South Beach, nothing. I always had it in my head that I needed to do it on my own. First of all I correctly thought that most of those plans were fads and unhealthy, again, who eats like that? As I was telling my friend that I felt like I needed to do it on my own, saying it out loud made me realize how silly it was. If I joined WW I would still be doing it on my own. No one was going to come to my house and cook for me, or tell me I should or shouldn't eat something. No one was going to be telling me to get up and walk. If I had a broken leg I would cast it as a tool to help it heal but I would still have to do the work to make it strong again. In a way WW is the same thing, it's a tool.  I decided that I would go home and look at the Groupon deal. The deal was good so I signed up and decided to use the proven and sensible tools that they offer to help me to meet my goals. I signed up at the end of June for the 3 month offer that they had. Then in true Brendalyn fashion, I did nothing for 2 weeks... But maybe because cheap is the only thing I am more of than stubborn or self- defeating, I decided to go to a meeting and get started.

That was July 15, I weighed 241.2 lbs. Damn! But I have been more or less doing the program since then. I have had a few days here and there, and a whole week a few weeks ago where I messed up and fell back into feeling like eating excessive amounts of food was going to somehow make me feel better. It didn't.

I have lost weight. The first week I lost a lot, that is not unusual when you start at a bigger weight. I haven't lost as much as I would like, but as I sit here if I were to be honest with myself the only number that I would be happy with is an unrealistic one. So I am trying to forgive myself for the odd days and whole week that I went crazy. The important thing is that I'm back. I confined that crazy to a few days and a week at a time instead of several months or years. As of this morning I have lost 27.8 lbs. I weigh 213.4. I'm trying not to let the thoughts of what I could have done in the last 5 months mess me up. I'm trying not to think about the fact that 5 months ago I was only 12.2 lbs more than I am now. I won't dwell on the fact that I gained like crazy for 2.5 months and now I'm practically back where I was. Instead I will remember that it is what it is. I will not focus on the past but on the future and I will be happy with my progress. I could still be 241, or more. I can and will do this!

I feel happy for what I have done and I look forward to continued success but... I could do better... I have decided to give myself a little 2 week challenge.
-For 2 weeks I am going to really try to stick to the plan every day.
-I'm going to try hard to drink 2 litres of water everyday.
-I am going to try to get in 7000 steps everyday.
-I'm going to put lotion on my body everyday and tell myself good things while I do.
-I am going to do something on the long list of things I have been procrastinating on everyday.
-I'm going to blog... hmmm, at least once a week? How about this, I am going to blog more than I have been. Lol! How's that for a loosy goosy goal? Yup more than once every 5 months, I can do that!

Does anyone want to join me in a 2 week challenge of your own?

So now you are up to date. "Talk" to you soon!

Tuesday, 19 April 2016

Moving Forward

If you made it through my last long post, congratulation. You deserve some kind of badge for perseverance!

I have been thinking a lot about what I have done, what I haven't done and why. I would like to say I have found all the answers and it will be clear sailing from here on out. I know from previous life experience that even if I indeed had found the magic bullet that there would still be struggles and setbacks.

The conclusion I have come to is as I stated previously. I need to stop wasting my life doubting and hating myself. Intellectually I know that every time everything is not going to work out like we hoped. As often as not the unscheduled change of plans will present the opportunity for something even better to arrive in our lives, if we let it. I want to start letting it.

Maybe it is too late for things to work out with that man I mentioned previously. God I hope it isn't, but maybe it is. If it is, then maybe that means I haven't learned to love myself enough yet. Maybe it means that there is someone even more amazing out there for me. Who knows what it means. I don't want this to sound like I am living my life waiting for and wanting a man. With the exception of a few relationships of a few years before I met my ex-husband I was mostly without a man. For most of the 23 years of my relationship with my ex-husband I was without a man. For all but a few years since my divorce 8 years ago I was without a man. I don't need a man to support me financially. I have a great circle of friends. I have an amazing family. I don't need a man, but that doesn't mean I don't want one. I am lonely. I miss the physical companionship. I miss the conversations and communication that I learnt are possible when I was dating the aforementioned amazing man. Even though there is nothing I can't do for myself in and around my house, I miss doing those things with "him." Incidentally I should mention the ex did nothing in or around the house, he was always too busy working, (screwing around,) or too tired. I didn't know until "he" was in my life how much I would enjoy having someone to do all those house things with. So, no I don't need a man, and I will never again settle for the wrong man, but I want the right one to share my life with.

So instead of continuing to be afraid that things will not work out with "him" for whatever reason. I am committed to finding out sooner than later one way or the other. I think when I am 50lbs lighter than I am now would be a reasonable time to say I will see him. 50lbs lighter than I am now is still considerably heavier than I ever was when he saw me, but if he can't see past that extra 20 lbs while I lose it, then maybe he isn't the man for me after all. Losing 50lbs at a reasonable 1.5 lbs per week is going to take me to at least December, but so be it. Because I  intent to increase my activity level from 0, maybe the first 20 or so lbs will come off faster, which would be a bonus. However long it takes, that's how long it will take. I have to know one way or the other. If the interest isn't there for one or the other of us, then I need to know so I can move on. If it is still there, then we need to stop wasting time and enjoy seeing where it all leads us.

Interestingly when I got on the scale this morning, in spite of the fact I've been eating like an Olympic wrester in training, it wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. I have negated some of the progress I had made in the last several months, but not all. Lol, interesting mind set when one is happy about not having gained all the weight back... Oh well, it is what it is. There have been many times when I gained it all back and more so I will take this as a victory!

So there it is. Going forward I plan on trying to only say kind things to myself. If I wouldn't say it to a friend, I'm going to try to not to say it to myself. If I do catch myself hating myself I am going to say 10 nice things to me, or 1 nice thing 10 times. I'm going to work on moving more and eating the proper amount. I'm going to keep track of everything I eat, this will be easier than ever using an app on my phone. I'm also going to post my weight here. I've never really done it before, but in an effort to be proud of me and celebrate whatever accomplishments I make I'll post. I'm also going to set some specific goals, both short term and long, with dates attached. I have done this before and it really did help to motivate me.

This morning scale said 225.6 lbs

Thanks for reading, thanks for commenting, and thanks for sticking with me.

Monday, 18 April 2016

I'm crying now...

I just read my last few posts. I remember how I felt when I wrote them, I remember how determined I was, I read all my good intentions to do the right things... and here I sit, nearly as fat as I have ever I'm crying.

Some of the reasons I'm crying are no doubt the same as the ones you are assuming, but I dare say that some may not be. Of course I'm upset because not only was I a mere 10lbs away from my goal weight in 2008, having lost a total of 90lbs, and I have gained it all back but 10 lbs. I'm also crying because of the example I have been setting for my child. I am crying because of all the things I didn't do with my child because of my weight and the insecurity and shame it brought me, those years are lost, those opportunities gone. I'm crying because of the time I have wasted and the damage I have done to my body. I'm crying because of what I could have learnt in these last 8 years in the time I have instead been obsessing over my weight and food. I'm crying because even though I am a smart person I can't, or won't figure this out. I'm so tired of feeling ashamed and sad and embarrassed and lonely and like a failure.
I've posted before that I think the formula for losing weight is a simple one, more out than in. I believed that and still do. It's science. I can and have lost weight, would I be exaggerating if I said hundreds of times? Where I fail is staying on track. Allowing myself to become derailed over the smallest incident. I have done well, gotten a good start and then I allow something insignificant to throw me for a loop. I have been doing a lot of thinking and even though I have always believed that losing weight and keeping it off is as much mental as physical I don't think I have ever really given enough thought to what the mental aspects are for me. I endeavour to do that.

I know why I got fat. I know what destroyed my self esteem. I even know why I gained the weight back. But now what? How and when am I going to decide that enough it enough once and for all?

As I stated in a previous post, the advice that I would give a smoker trying to quit smoking would be, "Never quit quitting!" I guess I need to swallow my pride and shame and take that advice with regard to getting fit. I'm never going to quit trying to get in shape.

Something that I haven't written about here, (well at least I don't think I have, there has been so much rambling over such a long period of time I may have, please forgive me if I am being redundant.) Some time after my marriage ended I met a really great man. Problem was he lived far away. Too far to be able to see each other as often as we would both like because I have my child with me 6 nights a week. We were in love, he was the best man I have ever met. After a few of the happiest years of my entire life I f*#&ed it up. I decided for him that because we lived so far apart that it wasn't fair to him to be waiting for me. I decided for him that because we could only see each other 1 weekend every few months this wasn't fair to him. I decided for him because it would be a number of years before my child would be old enough and independent enough for me to get away more I should stop holding him back and I decided to end it. When I look back I know that even though I really did believe these things, I now know that the old insecurities were creeping in as well. Part of me couldn't believe that someone so amazing wanted to be with me. Part of me believed that I didn't deserve to be that happy. Part of me believed that one day he would come to his senses and he would end it. How sick is that? Pretty messed up for sure. Anyway I ended it. I gave him the reasons I believed at the time. At first he wasn't buying it. He said he didn't agree and he didn't want to break up. He felt like even though it was not the ideal situation it was worth it. He said he felt more happy and comfortable with me than he ever had as well. He tried for months to change my mind. From the time I ended it I was so sad. Honestly I don't know if I have ever been more sad for so long. I was sad and of course my drug of choice was food. Eating and gaining weight did two things, first it made me feel less sad, for a moment. I am pretty sure that it was Christie that said one of many things that I have found profound in one of her posts on "Life Inside the Blubber Sarcophagus" some time ago. She said, and I may be paraphrasing slightly, "It's hard to cry when you are eating." As it turns out you can cry while eating, but not that gut wrenching sobbing and wailing kind of crying. So the eating helped to control the gut wrenching crying. Something else happened as well, gaining significant weight also helped me to make sure I wouldn't change my mind and see him again. He finally accepted that I wasn't going to change my mind, and we stopped communicating. Of course I was still sad, I gained more and more weight. He would contact me over the years, to say Merry Christmas, or Happy Birthday. He even made me a lovely wooden hand made bowl one year for my birthday and send it to me with a note saying he hoped I was well. These communications showed me that he was still thinking of me and of course I would respond back to say Merry Christmas as well, or thank you for the birthday wishes, (and gift.) Problem was that I was fat, really fat. over 200lbs fat and about 50lbs heavier than he had ever seen me fat. I couldn't see him. So I continued to be standoffish. About 2 years ago he contacted me again, out of the blue, and in my stupidity I still felt like all the reasons we couldn't be together were still valid, plus I was still fat. I know part of me thought that being fat, and not giving into the temptation of seeing him would eventually help me to get over him. It hasn't. I'll admit that part of me always felt like one day when the time was right we would be in touch and we would see each other again and we would pick up where we left off. Part of me felt like as long as I was fat I could stay away from him. Part of me was an idiot.
As I said about 2 years ago he contacted me and we talked a bit but I refused to see him. I didn't tell him it was because I was fat, just that nothing had really changed.
Then about 6 months ago I finally realised that it wouldn't be long until my child was out of high school and off to University. It wouldn't be long until I would have more time and freedom on my hands than I would know what to do with. I then decided that I would start to lose the weight and get in shape and when I was at my goal I would contact him to see him again. I did well for a little while, then some new doubts started to creep in. What if he didn't want to see  me? What if he didn't care anymore? What if he had moved on? What if he was with someone else? What if, what if, what if... So my fear got the best of me and I quickly negated and progress I had made. That is where I am now.
As I was writing this I realised something important. I know I have used the weight these last few years as a kind of protection. It kept me from seeing him when I felt like nothing had changed, we still couldn't see much of each other and it wasn't fair to him. Then my fear and doubts have held me back these last few months. What I realised is that I need to see this man again, or at least try. I need to see him to find out once and for all either that there is still enough interest on both our parts to give it another try, or to find out that there isn't. Either way I need to know. I need to move on. I need to stop being afraid of what may or may not happen with him. Either way I need to be living my life and stop wasting the finite number of days I have been given on this planet!
The good news, after writing all that, I'm  not crying anymore...

Sunday, 22 November 2015

Good Sunday afternoon, I mentioned that I was thinking of coming back here and doing some more blogging as a tool to help me get back on track, as well as helping me to get out of my head, so here goes...

I have said all along that I knew I had a small audience, even joking that I was writing for "one random person" out there. I'm totally fine with that, and as I've said sometimes I think that's better. Less pressure, less risk, less people to disappoint if I don't blog as frequently as most do.

If you have read past posts then you know a bit about me. You know that I have struggled with weight and the accumulation of it and the desire to rid myself of it. Like many bloggers I started to lose the battle and rather than continue to post and lie about how good I was doing, or admitting my downfall... again, I just disappeared.

I know for myself I have felt like it was just one more failure. One more time I was all gang busters eager and determined and then I just became a statistic of someone who either didn't lose, or in my case, lost but gained some of it back. I know that I felt some shame over this and I felt like there are people out there who may be reading talking to their computer screen saying, "I told you so, you did (fill in the blank) wrong." Christie expressed a similar sentiment recently and what I said to her was something like, 'the people who care about you don't care if you've had a setback, and the people who don't care about you don't matter.' I believe that to be true.

I was thinking, if the situation were different and if this were an "I'm trying to quit smoking" blog would things be different? Let's say I'd had some success and quit smoking for a time, then I started back smoking again and quit blogging. When I (or anyone) came back to blogging would there be the same judgement that is there when a person who was working on losing weight and gets off track seems to endure? I don't think there would be. I think everyone would be delighted that I had decided to make an attempt at quitting smoking again. Why is the attitude different when the thing we are trying to quit is overeating?

Having said that, I wonder, is the attitude different or is it just our perception? I should say that I personally haven't ever experienced that "I told you so" attitude online. But have I in person, to my face? I can't recall a specific time when those words were actually spoken yet I feel like I have heard them. Maybe the voice that I've heard that from is only my own. But really it shouldn't matter where that voice or thought is coming from, I think my opinion should be, and I've made reference to this a few times in past posts, that no matter what it is you are trying to quit, smoking, overeating, drugs, whatever, you should never quit quitting.

So that's what I'm going to do. I'm not quitting. I don't care if it's 2 steps forward and 1 step back. I don't even care if it's 4 steps forward and 5 steps back sometimes. I'm not ready to say that my health and happiness don't matter. I will continue to try to be the best version of myself that is possible because I deserve it and my kid deserves it!! Not only that but I know the rest of my family and my friends want me around as long as possible. I mean lets face it, I'm fabulous and even people I haven't met deserve to have me around!

So I'm not sure what direction I will take with this. Maybe I'll post my weight and subsequent losses or maybe I will just use this forum to try to make sense of those voices, (good and bad,) in my head. I know that the basic principle to losing weight is the simple formula of more calories out than in. Even when science tells us that for some people the older we get the more difficult it can me, the formula is the same. I know how to lose weight and I know for me it's physically possible. What I also have always known and now believe is that there are deeper reasons to why I have success then sabotage myself and fall off track and gain weight back.