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Wednesday, 25 January 2012

I didn't drive the van off a cliff.

So the very day after I wrote the long motivation post, was that 'hell' day of the month where I think I am starving to death and there isn't enough food in the world to satisfy me. Unfortunately I was home all day, and not as hyper focused and busy as I should have been, so...I ate a lot, I ate often, and I ate poorly. I didn't even try to count the calories, I knew it was pointless.

The good news is, yes there is good news, the next day when I got up I didn't have the familiar attitude of oh well, I've blown it now, what the heck, I'll start again on Monday. I decided to adopt the same attitude that I would in so many other areas of my life where there is a setback. For example if I drop my phone on the floor, I don't say, "oh well, I've dropped it now, I may as well stomp on it until it's beyond repair." A few years ago when I slid into a curb and bent my tire rim on an icy road I didn't drive to a cliff and drive the van off because something happened and the whole thing was ruined now. So why do I, dare I say we(?) have such an all or nothing attitude about a day where we mess up with the eating? I did chose not to get on the scale the next day, I knew that wouldn't be good, but today when I got on, I was only up .6 of a pound. Now it's true, if I hadn't had that day, if I would have fought through and not eaten all that I did I would be down instead of up, but life happens. I am a woman, I'm so glad I am, and if that means that one day a month my body goes insane, oh well. I'll deal.

I have been doing well with my goals, really on track with all I have set so far. Although I am almost a week behind on adding new ones, I'll let you know what I have been doing.

This week I added;
-doing some kind of leg exercise every time I brush my teeth for 2 minutes. I've been doing squats, lunges, leg lifts, whatever I think of. It is not going to make a huge difference in any hurry, but it is an effort to move more.
-I have too much stuff in my life. I'm going to go through my stuff and find at least one large bag or box of things to take to donate.
-I'm going to increase the daily walks to a minimum of 25 mins.

Just to keep you updated, overall I have lost 10.2 lbs since the 1st, not as much as I had hoped, it seemed like I was on track to have a bigger loss a week ago, but I'm more than fine with it. The month isn't over, and if I can lose 10 lbs a month I will be very, very happy!!

Thanks for reading, and commenting, it really is helping.

Saturday, 21 January 2012


Motivation...I haven't lost it, I don't plan to, but I have been thinking about it. Thinking about what really motivates me. Of course when I started this journey, when I was 244 lbs, I was concerned with my health. I couldn't get up the stairs without being out of breath and exhausted. I wanted to play with my young child, and I wanted to be around a long time to see my child through to adulthood and beyond.
Although I know that the weight I carry now is not healthy, I don't feel like it is killing me, shortening my life like I did then. So really that isn't my motivation now. So what is? Well the first thing that comes to mind is that I want to look good naked. Funny really because I'm not in a relationship at the moment, and the career I'm wanting to start this year is not as a stripper, sorry, exotic dancer, so maybe I should be saying I want to look good in a bathing suit. Actually I want to look good in all cloths. I have a recent recollection from 4 years ago of what it is like to go to a store, try on a bunch of stuff that fits and actually buy cute cloths. It was amazing! I so badly want that back fat gone, and that fat that kind of hangs over my elbow on the back of my arm, and the saddlebags... oh my the saddlebags!
I am shocked, sad, and disappointed with myself that I let the circumstances in my life effect my mental state, and then my 'weakened' mental state sent me back to my old eating habits and I gained weight.
Oh well, that was then, and that is not the topic of today's blog.
O.k. so what motivates me? I want to be healthy. I don't want to give cancer, and all the other disease's associated with overweight any advantage to shorten my life. I want to look good naked and in cloths. What else? Well I hate the idea of seeing people I used to know. I don't want the ones that I saw or met while was at my almost goal weight to see me heavier, and the ones that knew me as heavy, I would like to see them again when I'm looking good.
What else? I want to be able to get up out a chair effortlessly. I want to be able to go for a long bike ride, or roller blade with my child. I want to set a great example of healthy balanced living to my child. If there was an emergency I want to be able to react the way I need to. I want to have energy. I want to start to date. I want to get this body where I want it so I can spend the countless hours that I think about it, thinking about something else.
All things that I want, and all things that motivate me to a point, but what motivates me the most right now is the fact that next weekend I am going to be seeing a friend that I haven't seen in awhile. I know it is only a week away, and realistically I'm not going to look a whole lot, if any, different next weekend than I do now. I mean really, the best I can hope for is a few lbs. But I do know that I will feel a whole lot better knowing I did what I could this week and that I lost however much weight I could rather than being 2 or 5 lbs up.
The other thing that is motivating me now is the weekend of Feb 25th. I will see someone that weekend that I won't have seen for exactly a year.  I will be smaller by Feb. 25th than I am now, and even though I won't be as small as I was last year, I still want to work as hard as I can between now and then. That's a month, between 8 and 10 lbs should be doable.
Next goal is the weekend of March 15th. The friend I am seeing next weekend I will be seeing that weekend as well. I would be so pleased if I could be 15-20 lbs lighter by that time.
The next goal after that is the weekend of April 11. That weekend is a dear friend's 25th wedding anniversary and most everyone there will have last seen me at my highest weight, then years before that when I was... normal. I'll tell you how much I would like to weigh by then, realistically I know it might be a pipe dream, but in a perfect world I would like to be 150 lbs. 36.4 lbs lighter than I was this morning. I guess time will tell. If I can stay the course, doing all the right things between now and each of these dates, wherever I am with regard to the weight will be a win.
So apparently what motivates me right now is other people. I'm not sure I like that. I mean I know I should be doing it for myself, and how I feel, and I am, but I'll admit that part of how I feel is tied up in not feeling embarrassed about how I look. I'll admit it, I'm vain and I want to look as good as I can.
What motivates you right now?
Because this is super long, I'll comment on how I did with my goals this past week tomorrow, and make any revisions needed.

Sunday, 15 January 2012

Sunday update

I didn't accomplish everything this week that I would have liked to, or at least to the degree I would have liked.
I didn't get to the gym, or do pilates, so that is a bit disappointing. I had a busy, physical week, but if I were to be honest with myself, there were plenty of times I could have accomplished this. Next week will be better.
I didn't have that long phone call with a friend. Tried once, our timing wasn't right. I'll try again next week.
I didn't blog 4 times, but honestly I'm not stressed about this one. I don't see the point of posting if I don't feel like I have anything 'readable' to say.
I was thinking about my goals for this week. I am going to continue with the ones I have already set out, but, what am I going to add? Well I have always been a believer in positive thinking, and although I have never really tried it, I believe that imagining what you want to happen, visualisation, is just another part of positive thinking. This week, I would like to spend some time each day, several times a day, visualising me feeling good and looking good in shorts and a tank top this summer. I have a specific pair of shorts and top in mind. I am going to 'see' myself in these cloths everyday as I move towards making this a reality.
The scale has been doing what it should over the last few weeks. I'm pleased that things are moving in the right direction and fairly quickly. Since Jan 1st I have lost 8.4 lbs. I know this is fast, and I know this is not going to keep up, but for now I'm going to just enjoy it.

Thursday, 12 January 2012

Up, then down, then up, then down...

So the scale dissed me on the 9th, loved me on the 10th, dissed me again on the 11th, and loved me again today... she's nothing if not interesting. Overall she is acknowledging my continued good behaviour and I am happy to report that I have entered the 180's. Good bye 190's, FOREVER! Some of you commented that you don't weigh everyday because it can throw you off, and if that's the case I think it is the best plan not to weigh every day. When I started on this journey, I didn't weigh myself for months. My focus was to get more fit and healthy and of course the weight came off. That worked well then. Now I feel like I need to weigh every day just to keep me on track. As you may or may not know, I was within 10 lbs of what I think will be my goal weight, and life got messy and I just kind of allowed things to slide. I gradually gained 40 lbs because I was fooling myself that it wasn't that bad, and I would get back on track , blah, blah, blah. I promise if weighing myself everyday starts to drive me seriously crazy, not just mildly crazy, I will step away from the scale... well for the daily weigh in's at least.

I have been doing pretty well with my goals, I won't detail every thing from every day, but I am on track with most everything. Now that school is back in this has been a busy week, so that's means it time for me to play catch up from having the holidays off.

Monday, 9 January 2012

Scale dissed me today

Well as the post title says, the scale let me down today. I say the scale did, because honestly I have no idea what happened. I was under my calories, didn't eat what I thought was overly salty food, and I had a 30 min walk, so what the heck? O.k. it is just one day, and things can happen. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I just realised I ate the leftovers from last night for dinner tonight, so if it was a salty issue, I may be in the same boat tomorrow. Another thing I just thought of was is that I weighed about 3 hours earlier than I have been, and of course that means the full morning routine hadn't been completed. Oh well, I was doing everything right, so the numbers will all do what they are suppose to eventually.

With regard to the weekly goals;
-fun things, besides the normal hanging out things with my child- she is with her dad
-keep my calories under 1700 - yes -write down everything I eat yes -drink 8 glasses of water each day -7 so far -walk 20 mins per day -30 mins -do pilates or go to the gym 3 times this week -not yet -continue with the teeth flossing, and lotion after the showers -no floss, yes lotion -make time for a long phone call with a friend -not yet
-post to blog at least 4 times this week- one -work on paperwork, at least 1 hour-only 15 mins so far -spend at least 5 hours on the new courses -one hour today -wear perfume and earrings every time I leave the house -yup -remind myself to smile, just randomly smile. -smiling right now

Tomorrow I hope to have some time to actually write a more interesting blog than just an update. Thanks for the comments btw.

So, in the preview the goals are bigger than the rest of the text, but in the blog it's smaller. Also, in the preview it is all in bullet points, in the actual blog as you can see, it is all hodgepodge. Shrug. No idea how to fix that, so again, I hope you can read it.

Sunday, 8 January 2012

Weekly update

I didn't post yesterday, ran out of time. But to quickly summarise, I didn't walk, but I was very active. I kept the calories under my goal and  wrote down everything I ate. Basically a successful day and week. Yeah me!

I weighed myself this morning, and the loss for the week was 5.7 lbs. I don't know if I have ever lost this much weight in one week, and I know that it will not be typical, but I'll take it as a good jump start. So my weight today was 190.3 Looking forward to getting into the '80 again, once and for all!! Not the decade, the weight. Sorry, couldn't resist.

So this week my new goals are to;
-fun things, besides the normal hanging out things with my child
-keep my calories under 1700
-write down everything I eat
-drink 8 glasses of water each day
-walk 20 mins per day
-do pilates or go to the gym 3 times this week
-continue with the teeth flossing, and lotion after the showers
-make time for a long phone call with a friend
-post to blog at least 4 times this week
-work on paperwork, at least 1 hour
-spend at least 5 hours on the new courses
-wear perfume and earrings every time I leave the house
-remind myself to smile, just randomly smile.

One week back on track down, the rest of my life to go... woo hoo!

To those of you that comment, ty, I always appreciate reading what you have to say. To those that read but don't comment, feel free.

Friday, 6 January 2012

Day 6

Scale was exactly the same as yesterday, but I wasn't surprised, I weighed before I completed all of my morning rituals. I think you know what I mean. I shall say no more. Same is fine, tomorrow will be better.

I did manage to cross off a few more things from the weekly goals list.

I played 1 hour of wii with my child. When I said I wanted to do 2 really fun things, I was thinking more like sledding or skiing, or something...big, but that just hasn't happened. I don't feel like an hour of wii counts, but as a friend pointed out there are tons of parents that would never do that, and the little consistent things make the memories too.

I also got the email written and send to friend I have kind of lost touch with. That feels good. I will have writing to others that I've lost touch with as upcoming weekly goals as well.

-2 really fun things with my child. –played wii together for about an hour -write down everything I eat. -yes
-stay under 1700 calories daily. –yes about 1300
-walk 20 mins a day -yes
-floss my teeth 3 times this week - yes -lotion on my body after shower -yes -write a long overdue email –yes, and sent
-look into taking some courses –still planning to start Monday
-1 hour on paperwork on my messy desk. –yes, did 30 mins more today
-blog at least 3 days this week -yes
Sorry about the inconsistent font size, I cut and paste part of blog, and then I can't seem to make it the same... oh well, I'm guessing you can still read it. Geez I hope it isn't too annoying!
I just noticed that I have passed 1000 visits to my blog, one word... cool!

Thursday, 5 January 2012

Quick post

Scale was good to me again today. I was pretty surprised. Last night after I posted I ate a bag of microwave popcorn and added that salt and vinegar seasoning. This all kept me under my goal of 1700 calories for the day, but when I got up this morning my fingers were a  bit puffy.

With regard to the weekly goals;

-2 really fun things with my child. - she was at her Dad's today 
-write down everything I eat. -yes
-stay under 1700 calories daily. -yes
-walk 20 mins a day  -yes actually walked 30, although not aggressively

-floss my teeth 3 times this week - one more down, I must be close to
-lotion on my body after shower -yes
-write a long overdue email -started one, but not done
-look into taking some courses –plan to start Monday
-1 hour on paperwork on my messy desk. -yes

-blog at least 3 days this week -yes

Dawn commented on yesterdays post about just buying new pants. I used to do that too when I was really big and wouldn't wear jeans. I bought those cotton pants with the stretch waist band. Not sweats, not yoga pants, but heavy cotton, almost denim. Anyway, I remember buying my first size large, then XL, then XXL. The XXL were very tight, threatening to really embarrass me at any turn, but I never did get the 3XL even though I should have. Funny thing is I remember buying the XL, but the subsequent sizes weren't as traumatic. Hmmmm, more mind games?

Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Mind Games

I mentioned yesterday that I was going to play a mind game with myself with regard to the latest, greatest diet out there. (Hee hee, it is, because it's my idea) I am still planning on using this 'one day diet' as a means of keeping focused on the here and now, and not becoming overwhelmed with the enormity of the job.

However, something that happened today got me thinking about the mind games I have played with myself over the years that have NOT served me well. I was doing up the belt I wear with my jeans, yes I wear a belt with my jeans, yes they are "mom jeans," I'm old school and yes I will likely be wearing "mom jeans" for quite some time, at least until I get to about 160 lbs, (I had some really nice jeans when I was there, still not the really hip kind, you know the ones that shows off half your ass when you move, but not quite so 'momsie' as these. ) I won't even rethink my decision on my "mom jeans" if National Enquirer posts a picture of me on the cover calling me out on them. Anyway, I was doing up the belt, and although I obviously knew this had happened, today was the first time I really noticed that I was 7 holes away from where I was when I was at my low weight in Feb of 2008. 7 holes, just to be clear that's SEVEN FREAKIN' holes, each one approx 1" apart!! So what kind of bull poop was I telling myself each time I moved one more hole away from that smallest hole in that belt? Here are a few examples of those wonderful mind games;
-I'm under a lot of stress... so somehow I convinced myself that because I was having a terrible time with the end of my marriage it was o.k. Did I really believe that gaining weight, feeling and looking worse was somehow going to make me feel better?
-I'll get this under control next week. Ummm we know how that turned out.
-I don't look that bad. Well no, I guess maybe I didn't look that bad, I could have looked worse. I wasn't as big as I was when I was 244, but I didn't look as good as I did when I was 154 for freakin' sure, or as good as I could.
-This 1 cookie, (or whatever) is not that big of a deal. Well that was good, two more in this row, may as well finish them off, because 2 more is not going to do me in. Hmmm, maybe I should just eat the rest of the bag and get them out of the house so I'm not tempted! Then I'll get back on track again tomorrow. We all know how that turned out.
-Because so far I'm really generally healthy, I'm somehow the exception to the rule that carrying extra weight is unhealthy. I won't get sick, with cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure, or any of the zillion other things that study after study has shown to increase with increased weight. (Thank God that so far I have dodged all these bullets, but really I'm going to be 50 this year, how long will that continue?)
-I have even convinced myself, through things that have happened, and the mind games that have followed that somehow I'm not smart, or a good person, or attractive, or worthy of love. People are always telling me that I'm smart and kind and attractive and that someone who wasn't an ass would love to love me, so I guess on some level I know the things I tell myself aren't true. But in my heart, in my mind, not so much.
-I don't need to work at a career, because somehow, magically my dream career will just show up for me. Here I am, again almost 50, still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, and my finances are a mess.
-I've got lots of time to get my body, mind, career, house, etc in order. Well even if I do, even if I live a long, long life, I'm never getting these days back. My child will never be this age again.

Of course I could go on, and on and on, and I'm sure you could add some of your own mind games, actually feel free to, I think it would be good for us to get them out in the open.

So even though I am going to continue to play mind games with myself, I'm going to try really, really hard to only play ones that serve me well.

The scale didn't give me as much love this morning, only .2 of a lbs down, but hey, I'll take it, and still doing well for the week. I'll post my loss and weight once a week if you all are interested. Lol, 'you all' o.k. both of you...

Weekly goals;
-2 really fun things with my child. -we went for a walk together and talked about silly things and laughed the whole time. Not the kind of really fun thing I was thinking, but it was fun!
-write down everything I eat. -yes

-stay under 1700 calories daily. -yes, so far I'm at 1150, may or may not have something else, shrug
-walk 20 mins a day -yes,
-floss my teeth 3 times this week -just 1 so far
-lotion on my body after shower -yes
-write a long overdue email grrrr, not yet
-look into taking some courses -didn't start yet
-1 hour on paperwork on my messy desk. -yes, woo hoo, but that thing is still a mess!
-blog at least 3 days this week -is this 2 or

This is longer than I would like it, sorry, I am going to try to keep things shorter, but sometimes I just get going!

Tuesday, 3 January 2012

New Diet Plan

I know what you are thinking... oh no, not another crazy diet! Well I have never been one to go on those crazy diets, with the exception of 1. Back in the '80's I did the Scarsdale Diet a few times. That's it though, no grapefruit diet, no South Beach diet, no cabbage diet, or any other of those weird ones that were out there. But now, I'm going to start a new one. At least for January. It is called the "One Day Diet."
Never heard of it, well that's because I am making it up, right here, right now. My plan is rather than thinking about how much weight I have to lose, and how long it is going to take me to lose it, which is not only depressing, it is discouraging, I'm going to focus on today. I'm going to play some mind games with myself and tell myself that today, just today, I'm going to be good. I'm going to eat right, do the exercise I say I'm going to, along with the rest of the things I've said I'm going to do each day. When I'm feeling like I can't do, or I'm feeling too tempted, I'm going to tell myself, "Just today, diet is just for today. Tomorrow I can do what I want."

I haven't lost my willpower or dedication... yet. When I do, (I know myself well enough to say when, not if...) this is what I'm planning on falling back on.
The scale was good to me again this morning, thank you Ms. Scale. I'll do my part, you do yours.

I did well today with the weeks goals as well. I'm looking forward to next week when hopefully my toe will continue to be feeling better, and I can add some more movement into the mix. I don't think I mentioned I broke my toe just before Christmas.

So here is today's breakdown;
-2 really fun things with my child -she got home tonight, so no.
-write down everything I eat. -yes
-stay under 1700 calories daily.-yes, about 1600
-walk 20 mins a day -yes
-floss my teeth 3 times this week -one down
-lotion on my body after shower -yes, it felt good too
-write a long overdue email -no
-look into taking some courses -I'm registered, not sure if I'll start this week.
-1 hour on paperwork on my messy desk.-10 mins
-blog at least 3 days this week
-this is 2

So that's where I'm at, one day at a time. I feel like I'm ready again. With this new diet I know I can do it. I will reach my goal. I will be healthy and fit, and well, dare I say... hot!! Go me!! Go us!!!

Monday, 2 January 2012

Quick update

Today wasn't as productive as it should have been. I got some unexpected company today, which was nice, but changed my plans for sure.

Here's how I did on my weekly goals today;
-I'll do at least 2 really fun things with my child. -still at her dad's
-I'll write down everything I eat. -check
-I'll try to stay under 1700 calories daily. -check, about 1500
-I'll walk 20 mins a day -check
-I'll floss my teeth 3 times this week, -nope
-I will put lotion on my body after every shower. -check
-I will write a long overdue email to one of my friends -nope
-I will look into taking some courses that I want to take to change careers. -registered  today
-I will spend 1 hour this week working on paperwork on my messy desk. -nope
-I will try to blog at least 3 days this week,  -so far, so good
I weighted myself this morning, and I have to say I was pleased, but of course when you have have been eating too much, we all know that the first few lbs are not only easy, but likely not real weight. You know, water, bloating, full insides, all that. It's nice to see a lower number than the day before, and I'll take it. I'd love to see the number go down a little every day, but I know that isn't going to happen. I'm going to try really hard not to get all caught up in the daily numbers, or for that matter the weekly numbers, but to keep my eye on the price, you know, the big picture,  and pay closer attention to the NSV's. ( I can't tell you how many times I read that before I figured out what a NSV!)
Anyway, more soon, thanks for your comments, and support, even if you don't comment. I totally get that, I read several blogs, and rarely comment.

Sunday, 1 January 2012

I'm Back, again, Jan. 1st, 2012

How many scales that have been neglected for weeks, months, years were stepped on this morning? I know mine was. I haven't weighted myself for over a month. I know, I know... But in the last month, it was like I was eating as much as possible on purpose. Well maybe not as much as possible, but there were no restrictions of any kind. I saw it, I wanted it, I ate it. No thought of is this a good idea? Have I had enough today? Is this moving me towards or away from my ultimate goal? None of that.

The end of November, I hurt my back, couldn't work out, could barely move. I was taking more pain medication than I have ever taken, and it wasn't touching it. So I wasn't getting any exercise. Still managing to eat though, although honestly not too much, I didn't have the strength.

A few days after I was feeling better my Mom had to have emergency surgery. It was out of the blue, and it had me at the hospital for many days and nights. Because I am an emotional eater, the very real fear of losing my Mom send me for a loop, then seeing her in a state that I have never seen her in before was also very hard, and that send me to the fridge. Thank God Mom is on the road to recovery, but because she is 79 it will be slow and because of the nature of the surgery she will not ever be back to exactly where she was.

Then it was Christmas, there was the usual assortment of baking that my child and I do every year, the last many years I have easily resisted all the baking we had around, but his year, I seemed to have the attitude I was going to eat as much as I wanted. I even had to make an extra batch of one type of cookies because I had eaten so many. How bad is that!! (Don't answer, I know, it's really freakin' bad!)

On top of all this, for whatever reason, my ex has stepped up the game of being unreasonable. He still isn't paying any child support, so we are dealing with lawyers over that, and he is just mean whenever he gets the chance.

So.... all of these excuses, and more, have me weighing 27 lbs more than I weighed in the spring.

Here are my numbers;

-I was at my highest weight in 2004;  244 lbs

-I gradually lost weight, to get to my lowest weight in many years in Feb. 2008; 154 lbs (-90lbs)

-Gradual weight gain over the next few years, (the reason/excuses for this are in earlier posts) I won't bore you with all the details of the up's and down's but I did get as high as 186 but I put the brakes on that and in March of 2011 I was down to 169 lbs. I was delighted about that, that was 15 lbs away from my lowest, and 29 lbs from what I thought my goal weight would be.

Now this morning, Jan 1, 2012 I weighed 196 lbs.

Well if there is good news, I guess it is that I am under 200, I have been eating so much and moving so little I really thought I would be about 210 lbs.

Sooooo, now what? Of course a new year is a time of re-evaluation for a lot of people, and I am one of them. I'm not happy with my life, that is no surprise, so what do I do to get happy?

Well I am making some changes. All of them small, but all of them steps in the forward direction.

I"m going to make small changes this week, adding more small changes each week and build on my forward momentum in baby steps. When I lost 90 lbs before, I did it gradually, very gradually, and honestly it didn't seem that hard, especially considering the huge payoff I had in the way I looked and felt.
I will get my life, my body, my relationships, my house and my yard to the place that they should be. I will learn to love myself, I will regain my confidence, and I will stop treating life like it is a dress-rehearsal.
So this week....
-I will do at least 2 really fun things with my child.
-I will write down everything I eat. 
-I will try to stay under 1700 calories daily.
-I will walk 20 mins a day
-I will floss my teeth 3 times this week, (I know I should do it everyday, but baby steps, right?)
-I will put lotion on my body after every shower.
-I will write a long overdue email to one of my friends that I have not kept in touch with.
-I will look into taking some courses that I want to take to change careers.
-I will spend 1 hour this week working on paperwork on my messy desk.
-I will try to blog at least 3 days this week, (this may or may not count as one...)

So am I setting myself up, again? I guess we'll see. But I am no less determined than I have ever been, and I believe what they say about smoking to be true of many other things as well. That you need to keep quitting until you quit.

So, here we go...... weeeeee!