Total Pageviews

Friday, 19 October 2012

UGG!!

So much has happened since my last post. The long and well... long of it is....

-I have been stressing, preparing to go to court against my ex because he no longer wants to pay child support. Good news is the judge saw my ex's bid for custody as what it was and ordered that custody will not change and the ex has to pay support henceforth as well as retroactively. Sadly I haven't seen any of this money yet and who knows when I will, but for me it was never about the money, ex wanted our child there even though he wasn't going to be there. He already sees her for a few hours, 4 days a week and our child doesn't want to go any more. As I say it was never about the money for me and if that sounds like a 'line' keep in mind that the ex pays less than $20.00 per day. In the mean time I have had to sell stuff, max my credit cards and borrow money to spent tons of money on lawyer fees.

-Although I tried to ignore it as much as possible, my ex has been more angry, mean, rude and difficult than ever.

-Although I make less than $20,000.00 per year the gov't has decided to audit me. (I'm not totally convinced my ex doesn't have something to do with this, but I don't know for sure.) This has required what seems like hundreds of hours of time and tons of stress to prepare for and defend myself in the audit.

-A very good friend, my most valued confidant really, and I had a disagreement that left us at odds for a few months. Although we have reconciled and are back to talking regularly, things aren't the same and I miss one of the few very good friends I have.

-I have been suffering from a broken heart. I have come to realise that a man that I deeply love, and that love me just can't make a go of it.

-Although my Mom is doing great, she is still recovering from her near death emergency in Dec.

-My 50th birthday was approaching, (it has recently passed.) I was not upset about turning 50, I am honoured to have been given the privilege to reach this age as I personally know a number of people, and hear everyday of people who have not had the privilege to get to this age. However, I'm sad and disappointed that I haven't done more in my life. I thought I would be farther ahead in my career, and personal life by now.

I know I sound like I'm whining, and making excuses. Well, I am, but I am also trying to explain to you, and to me what has happened.

I don't deal well with stress. When I have any negative emotion I run to food. I have for as long as I can remember and even though I know I do it, I still do it. There are times when I am so f*&ked up, I don't even want to eat, I'm not hungry, often I'm full already, but I want more food, and I go and get it. Even if what I have on hand isn't something that would be a first choice for me. Hell, sometimes if I don't even really like it.

I have to say I have shown incredible determination and stamina the last few months to really gain as much weight as possible. The single-mindedness I have shown in this endeavour would be admirable if it wasn't so sick.

So... again..... I have decided that I hate the way I look and feel. I have decided that it is time to figure this out. No more excuses. Ya... I have s*%t happening in my life. Ya... I have an ex that is an ass. Ya... I have financial problems. Ya... I am lonely. Ya, ya, ya I have problems....so does the rest of the world. Time for me to stop being a victim and a cry baby and make the life I want. There is no Knight in Shining Armour. There is no lottery win. There is no easy way. I need to stop thinking that things like health, happiness, money, etc are going to come to me just because I'm a good person and I would really like to have these things. For God sake, most people figured this out in their 20's!!

I have been giving this a lot of thought and starting today I'm starting what I'm calling my "65 day plan."

For 65 days
-I am going to kick ass.
-I'm going to eat like I actually like myself and think my life and health are important.
-I'm going to do things with my body that it was designed to do.
-I'm going to think of myself the way my friends and family think of me.

I not only have decided to change, I am actually going to change. Every thought, action, and decision is going to evaluated. I'm either moving forward, or moving back.

If you guys have been reading this blog, you are likely doing 1 of 2 things; rolling your eyes thinking, 'here we go again.' Or cheering for me, thinking, 'I hope she does it this time.' Maybe a bit of both. I'm going to write here in this blog as often as I can, because it keeps me accountable, but I'm not doing it for you or your approval. I do like your feedback and please feel free to comment however you are moved to.

But the bottom line is I'm doing it because I remember how great I felt, inside and out in Feb of 2008 when I was 90 lbs lighter than I had been a few years earlier. I'm doing it because I not only remember what 154lbs felt like, but because I remember what 244 felt like. I'm doing it because this life is not a dress rehearsal. I'm doing it because my child deserves a healthy Mom that is doing all she can to be around for many, many years to come. I'm also doing it because my kid deserves to see an example of how a healthy person lives. I'm doing it because I don't want to wait until I get that medical bombshell dropped on me. I'm doing it because I want and deserve better than to hate myself and to show it by disrespecting myself by not reaching my full potential.

So here it is.... today I weighed 200.4 lbs. The first time back in the 200's since sometime in 2007. I don't know what I feel. Sadness, anger, disappointment. I'll admit that I'm not surprised though. With the determination I have shown to gain weight the last few months part of me is a bit surprised it isn't more.

65 Days... I won't be at my goal of 144, I won't even be close, but I can do amazing things in 65 days.

Wednesday, 4 July 2012

Is it 1 step forward and 2 back, or 2 steps forward, 1 step back?

Sorry I haven't been around at all of late. Mind you I honestly think I'm the only one that visits my blog, which is fine, I'm not complaining, I'm just saying I don't know if I'm apologising to myself...lol.

I haven't even been reading the few blogs I follow. Life has gotten... interesting. I'm sorry to report that when life gets...interesting.... I make notoriously bad food choices. Honestly if I could figure out why that is, I would have this overweight thing licked!!

I wonder if it's deeper than the simple fact that I associate food with comfort. It was always a display of love, or a reward when I got something special as a kid. By special I mean a treat, chocolate, ice cream, that stuff. Guess what, that's what I go to, in excess, when life is...interesting. Maybe that's all it is. I know that part of the reason that my parents used food as a reward was because when they were young there were times when neither of them had enough to eat. Also my Mom had a love/hate relationship with food her whole life, she still does, so I think that is why she rewarded me with treats that she felt she couldn't have. Because she couldn't have them, maybe they were the most precious thing she could think of. We didn't have a lot of money when I was a kid. That chocolate bar, or ice cream once a month, or however often it was, was no doubt money they could have and likely should have, spend elsewhere. So it was a real gift from them to allow me to have such a rare indulgence. I didn't know how little money we had at the time, but now I do, and a chocolate bar was obviously much more affordable that a new toy. Maybe I just remind myself that the love my parents were showing wasn't the food, but the food was the best treat they could afford. If only it were that simple. The odd thing is, I have amazing parents. I know, and have always known that they love me unconditionally. There was always lots of love from them, my Dad especially, (I was the definition of Daddy's girl.)  So why is the comfort of the food so huge?
I think there is more to it. I think maybe it is not about the food as treats and rewards, but that maybe when I am feeling like life is out of control I'm in control of the food. I eat what I want, when I want, so that is the control. This of course is so stupid. Fact is I couldn't be more out of control, and gaining weight just makes me feel even more out of control and defeated. When, and if, I'm eating to be in control I'm just lying to myself.
Fact is I never really over ate when I was a kid. Although I did have a questionable body image, thanks to a well meaning Aunt to sat me down when I was in grade 7 and told me I would have to watch it because all the women in our family were fat, which they weren't. I didn't really know it or understand it at the time, but that was when I started to see myself as fat. From then, all through my adult life,  my body image was always messed up. I always thought I was much fatter than I was. Funny thing is when I was like 125 lbs and 18 years old I felt like I looked when I actually was 240 lbs. Then when I was approaching 200 lbs and way above, I didn't have a clear realisation of how big I actually was. Messed up... yup.

First time I remember regularly eating poorly was when I moved out and moved to a different city when I was 17. I was cooking for myself, well I sometimes was cooking for myself. I worked at a grocery store and very often I would just bring something home. Milk and cookies, ice cream, KFC, (which wasn't called KFC yet,) donuts, whatever. I gained the freshman 15. That did level out and I got back to my 'fighting weight.' But my self image was always out of whack. I saw something recently that said "I wish I was as fat as I was when I thought I was fat when I was young!" Wow how true that is!!!

I digress, once I got used to living alone and not knowing anyone, or as I met more and more friends my weight levelled out and stayed pretty much the same for years. Now that I think of it... when I really started to pack on the pounds was after the first time my husband, then boyfriend cheated on me. I was home alone a lot. He worked nights, or out of town, in bars. I had sold my car, it was having some issues and I just didn't replace it, so when he was out I was more or less stuck home. At some point before he cheated, or I knew he cheated, he made some off the cuff remark about my weight. I don't even remember what it was. I know when I confronted him about it he explained what he meant it wasn't mean, but because of my messed up body image it stuck in my mind, then later when he cheated I reasoned that he had done it because I was getting fat. I wasn't fat and he had never said I was, but I needed to find a reason why he cheated. I was too young to understand his cheating had nothing to do with me. I thought it had to be me. So during that time when I was filled with sadness and loneliness was the first time in my life I really turned to food for comfort big time. I proceeded to get fat. I don't remember how fat I got, because remember my body image was not accurate, but I think I probably got up to about 180? We then seemed to get things figured out. We were really happy and I believed that his cheating was behind us. I gradually lost the weight, getting back to about 130. I stayed there for a few years, we stayed happy and decided to get married. Life was good. We got married, I got pregnant, I gained about 30 lbs, but lost it quickly after the baby was born. Life was fantastic. But then, I was alone a lot with the baby. I suspected he was cheating again. I started to gain weight, and if it had been an Olympic sport I would have won the gold. Within about 4 years I was all the way up to 244. It's interesting to realise now, for the first time, (duh) that my overeating never started until trouble with him. It is also noteworthy that now the majority of the time when I go running to food is because of an issue with him. There are other challenges, like a tax audit, and job issues, but it is always something with him that seems to push me over the edge.  I have got to stop allowing him to control me still!! O.k. that isn't 100% accurate, sometimes, if I were to be completely truthful, I eat poorly and too much just because I am bored. This has all got to stop.

I just read a really good book, I recommend it to... well, me, since I am the only one who reads this blog... hee hee. It is called "The Noticer" by Andy Andrews. Basically it's a book about life lessons and wisdom's. In it he talks about the difference between deciding to change and actually changing. Enough deciding to change for me. I have decided, now I need to actually change.

This is not where I was planning for this post to go at all today. I was just going to give a brief update but sometimes the fingers just get going!

So  here is the brief update part...lol.

Jan 1, 2012 I was 196 lbs, (yes I went crazy last year.)
March 31, 2012 I was169 lbs, yeah me...
This morning, July 4, 2012 I was 181 lbs, boo me...

So the good  news is that overall, from my highest of 244 lbs in about Sept '05, I am still down 63 lbs. That's good.

The bad news is that since March 31, '12 I am up 12 lbs. That's not good.

The worse news is that since Feb, '08 when I was at my lowest of 154 lbs I am up 27 lbs. That's bad.

I need to get more inside my head. I need to figure out what I am afraid of that is keeping me from reaching my goal. I need to figure out what those triggers are and a realistic way to jam the pistol. I need to give myself permission to succeed and be happy.

I have said it before, but... weeee, here we go again! You know what? I'm o.k. with that. As long as I can brush myself off and start again, that's all that matters. I have setbacks, I  haven't and I won't ever allow myself to be the sad, defeated person I was when I was so, so overweight. I have too much too live for.

I'm going to try to post more, and shorter posts. Even though I may be the only one reading these posts, (as I write them,) they do help to keep me accountable.



Tuesday, 29 May 2012

o.k. ya, so I have being making a bunch of bad food choices...

I have been making bad food choices, (that means everything in sight, hungry or not, full or not,) bad exercise choices, (that means absolutely no exercise) and bad mental choices, (that means saying a bunch of not productive, mean things to myself.)

I was 169 lbs, (yeah me,)  March 30th, since then, I have let my fragile emotional state work against me and I have gained 7 lbs. Now 7 lbs isn't a huge deal, but, and yes, I have a big but(t)...(hee hee) Over the last 2 months instead of possibly losing 6-10 lbs each month, which would have gotten me 12-20 lbs down over that time, I gained 7. So according to my math... I have actually gained 27 lbs...

So what do I do now?

Well, I need to re-focus. I need to remember why I want to lose the weight. I need to remember what is really important.

Once I have that in mind again, I need to figure out  my goals.

Then I need to set a time line for those goals.

Then I will figure out a concrete plan for getting to those goals. Apparently wishing and wanting isn't going to cut it...

Tomorrow, or within the next day or 2 I will be posting all that here.

All I  know is that yes, maybe I've had a temporary set back again, but just like they say about smoking, don't quit quiting until it sticks. I'm not going to quit starting again, as long as I need to, until it sticks!

Here we go again.... weeeee!!

Wednesday, 11 April 2012

Still chuggin' along

I haven't been around, and if you read my blog you are probably thinking I have fallen off the wagon, especially after my last post. Well all is well, I got back on track after that day of 'blowing it' and have been doing reasonably well since then.
I did have a very bad weekend last weekend and it threw me for a loop for a few days, but I have gotten really good at just taking this in stride. Losing weight is not going to happen in a straight line, really, is there anything in life that does? There are always ups and downs, and as long as we let things run their course, without letting them run off the rails, it's all good.
I have not reached the weight loss goals I set for myself for this time frame, but oh well. The goals were based on best case scenario, with no hiccups, and that didn't happen. I haven't been exercising and honestly I have not even been going for that 30 minute walk every day. In spite of this I am still very pleased to report that I have lost 26 lbs since Jan 1, and that is nothing to sneeze at!! Current weight is 169.5.
I think I am ready to step it up again. Summer is just around the corner, and I would really like to lose 25 lbs in the next 3 months. I am envisioning being at what I think will be my goal weight by the middle of July. Wow, the idea of looking and feeling good in summer cloths this year makes me smile!
I'm not going to re-list my daily and weekly goals here today. Basically I am going to carry on with what I have set, improving where it is needed.
It sure feels good to be out of the 170's, 150's here I come!!

Sunday, 18 March 2012

Wow, what happened...

I have honestly been kind of surprised at how well things were going. I really didn't feel like I was struggling with keeping my calories where I wanted them. Then yesterday....


I really don't know what happened. All I can really say is I waited too long to have lunch, way too long and then I inhaled a bunch of calories without being really aware of what I was ingesting. Then when I stood back, I realised I have eaten way more than my daily calories in that one meal and I couldn't stop. Well, yes, you're right, I COULD have stopped, I just didn't want to badly enough.

I'm sitting here thinking about what else happened yesterday. I know I wasn't busy enough. I know I was slightly upset that I had set some goals for yesterday that I couldn't motivate myself to do. I was also slightly disappointed that a friend I thought I would see this weekend couldn't come here, so as a result I didn't have plans for 1 of 4 weekends a year where my ex has my child. Also the fact that they are away on vacation and I haven't heard from them since they left on Thursday no doubt had some effect as it has me slightly upset. But realistically none of this adds up to the really upset state that is usually the trigger for a... dare I say it, binge like yesterday. I guess maybe all factors together were the match that lite the fuse.

So as a result yesterday I hate a bunch of stuff. Honestly some of it, as I was eating it, I didn't even really want, but I ate it anyway. I guess I need to just consider it a lesson and move on.
So yes, I dropped my cell phone, or scratched my car yesterday, but I will not stomp on the phone just because I dropped it, or drive the car off the cliff just because I scratched it. Today is another day, and I am back on track. I still have my goals for the  30th of this month, and for the 8th of April. I will do all I can to get to those goals.

Friday, 16 March 2012

Update

As you may recall I was a few lbs short of my goal on my last goal date. I had hoped to make up the difference before my next goal date, which is today. I have been doing pretty well. I've kept my calories where I want them. I've only gone to the gym once, and I haven't done pilates however. I have been almost perfectly consistent with a minimum 30 minute walk each day though. So where that got me was with a loss of  7.5 lbs since my last post on the 25th of Feb. This mornings weight was 172.0 lbs. My goal was 171. I'm really pleased.  If you recall I was 2.5 lbs short on my last goal but I almost made up the difference this time. So I have lost a total of 24 lbs since Jan. 1st. Yeah me!
My next goal was to be April 8th, (161.) I'm keeping that goal but I'm throwing another one in there before that. I'm setting March 30 as a new goal. O.k. this is obvious, but the goal for the 30th will be half way to the 8th goal. So I am shooting for 166 the 30th. I haven't hit a plateau yet, I'm hoping that I don't anytime soon. Wouldn't it be amazing if I could get all the way to my final goal with out hitting one? Well a girl can dream can't she...?

So an update on the goals;
-quality time with my child, yes
-calories under 1700, actually always closer to 1500, yes
-write down all I eat, yes
-lots of water, yes
-gym, no pilates, no
-flossing teeth and lotion, yes
-long visit with a friend, yes
-blogging as much as I would like, no, but I'm busy
-I need to spend more time on paperwork
-I need to spend more time on my courses
-I am wearing the perfume and ear rings, and smiling more
-I am doing the leg exercises while I brush my teeth
-I didn't fill that box to donate yet, I will do that this week
-as I mentioned, the walks are a minimum of 30 mins almost every day

I feel like I should add more goals, but at this point I am so busy I think I will just work on doing a better job of the ones I have already set.

Sunday, 11 March 2012

If losing weight was easy...

I had a conversation with a friend this week about weight loss. She's overweight, doesn't like it, and has wanted to do something about it for years. She watched me lose 90 lbs and cheered me on, then as my marriage ended and the ugliness that followed, (follows) happened, she quietly watched me gain back 40. When I was slowly and steadily losing the weight before, she was supportive, interested, and curious. I kept her abreast of what I was doing, when she asked. But she wasn't "ready." She tried to lose some weight but it just didn't happen. Now again she has seen the weight I have lost since Jan 1st. She is curious, interested and genuinely happy for me. Talks about how she should lose weight, how she wants to, and how she hates the way she looks and feels, but the next statement is that she has tried and it just doesn't seem to work for her, or her life right now is too busy to really commit, or the family is a source of sabotage. There are other comments, we have all heard them, some of us have, maybe still, say them. I don't judge her. I try to support her. I offer her whatever encouragement I can without being "preachy." She has it in her head that she needs to lose weight a certain way. She has a plan and a best cast scenario, and unless everything falls into place for that, the whole thing is useless.

My Mom is the same way. She has thought she was overweight my whole life. I say thought because even when I was a kid and she was always on one diet or another, she wasn't overweight. I look back at pictures of her then and think what the hell? But anyway, she is always waiting for the conditions to be just right. "Can't start now, because summer is coming, and there are so many birthdays in summer, I don't want to miss the cake." Or, "I cant start now, it is almost Christmas and there are always so many goodies around it is just too hard." Plus when she does start, she wants big results fast and she restricts her food intake so much that it isn't long before she is feeling weak and deprived. This is the way she has 'lost weight' her whole life, and she is larger now than ever.

So what is the point of all this ranting you ask? Well I guess I kind of feel like we, as in a large part of society, seem to be of 2 minds when it comes to weight loss. It is either suppose to be easy, as in an operation, or a pill, or it is such hard work that it can't be done.

Well of course part of me does feel if it was easy, then everyone would do it, but there is no easy fix. But, on the other hand, I also feel like it is easy, or at least easier than most of us think it is. I know that there is a significant amount of truth to the fact that the conditions have to be right. By that I mean that we won't lose weight, or at least sustain the weight loss if we are doing it for the wrong reasons, or for someone else. I also acknowledge that realistically the right time to start to watch what you are eating may not be the week of that cruise that you have been dreaming of and saved for your whole life. Your head needs to be in the game, but maybe the actions, the right actions will get your head in the game. Fake it until you make it so to speak.

I guess what I think is that although it isn't easy, it isn't hard either.

I also acknowledge that what works for one person is not always the right approach for the next. But what I don't get is if your approach hasn't worked, or maybe it has worked, but not long term, then why do we insist on repeating it? Why are we so reluctant to at least try what has and is working for someone else? Especially if that someone else isn't trying to sell you something...

I swear I am NOT trying to be judgemental here, or impose my way of doing things on anyone, or in any way sound 'preachy', (although  I am pretty sure this is how I am coming across.) I guess you all, (o.k. both of you...lol,) are the unfortunate recipients of my frustration with my Mom and friend. I just know that I feel so great that I am making progress every week, and every pound that comes off is a little bit of freedom for me, I want that so much for the people I care about.

I'm not saying that I am frustrated because they aren't doing it "my" way, but that they aren't willing to even consider that what I am doing could work for them, or for that matter that maybe something different from what they are doing could possibly work. I know there are so many opinions out there, too many, as many opinions as stars in the dark night sky. I know this can be overwhelming. But what is it about human nature and our minds, that believes that doing the same thing as we have always done will this time bring us different results?

This is some peoples definition of insanity....

Saturday, 25 February 2012

Today is one of the goal dates I set...

Yes, today is one of the goal dates I set along my journey to my final goal. I saw a friend today that I hadn't seen in a year, and I was shooting for 177 lbs for today. Well... I didn't make that goal. I am somewhat upset about it because on the 19th I was 179.5 lbs, but unfortunately this past week I went up instead of down, so today I was back where I was on the 19th... 179.5. Granted that is only 2.5 lbs away from where I was hoping to be today, and oh my gosh, I could have done soooo much worse. Also I can't minimize the fact that I have lost 16.5 lbs since Jan. 1. I am proud of the weight loss, but I'm more proud of the fact that I have stuck with it. There have been set backs, and tests, but over these last 8 weeks I have never considered throwing in the towel. Yeah me!

One thing I do need to do is to get more proactive with getting more consistent exercise. I have been walking, but not everyday, sometimes not for days in a row. I haven't been to the gym for probably a month. Pilates... at least a month. I need to get my body moving more. I haven't hit a plateau yet, but more exercise will help avoid that, it will help the weight come off faster, not to mention make  my body look better now and when the weight is off.

So... my goals;
-keeping the calories under 1700 has been easy, as has writing everything down, I will keep that up
-drinking a minimum of 8 glasses of water
-the earrings and perfume have gone well
-I have been doing well with the flossing, and the lotion, I'll keep that up
-I have been making progress with the courses, I'm enjoying them, and will work harder
-I did get some stuff to donation, I need to round up more, 1 bag this week
-I need to do more random smiling, as weird as it sounds, it really does feel good
-going to continue the leg exercises while I brush my teeth, such a little thing, but every bit helps
-I'll walk everyday
-I will either get to the gym, or do pilates 3 times this week
-I'm going to try to make plans to get together with a friend
-Even though I eat quite well I'm going to make and effort to eat more fibre

So that's it. Next goal date is March 16th, 3 weeks, I am going to stick with my original goal for that date and hope I can make up the 2.5 lbs that I am short on today's goal. So that means I'm shooting for 171 lbs for March 16. One day, one hour, one minute, one decision at a time and I will have the success I'm hoping for.

What works best for you? Setting a goal weight by a date, or just concentrating on one day at a time?

Tuesday, 14 February 2012

Happy Valentines Day to all my blogger peeps!

So today is Valentine's Day. What do you all think of the "holiday?" Personally I like it when I am in love, but not so much if I'm not, which come to think of it, hasn't been for a lot of years now.

That brings me to my next point, I think I am getting ready to consider starting to date. There is a significant problem, well several really, but the first one is where do I meet said men to date? My work has me working alone, not that dating where you work is always a good idea mind you. Pretty much all  my friends are married, or in the "don't need a man, don't want a man, ever again," stage. I guess I could go and troll grocery stores and hardware stores, but seriously, what kind of result will that bring me? I could put a profile on a dating site. I know people that have met good people there, I actually have a cousin that met a man on a dating site and they got married. Honestly, I think this is probably the best option. This brings me to my next problem/obstacle. A huge part of me thinks I should be at my potential, physically, mentally, and career wise before I put myself out there. I mean I don't feel as confident as I would if I was 40 lbs lighter, and had a job I'm proud of. But do I really want to put my life on hold until summer, which is when I hope to have lost these 40 lbs by? Middle of July sounds like a long way away though... Mind you how long has my life been on hold already, what's a few more months? O.k. I've talked myself into waiting, mind you summer means shorts, and skirts, and short or no sleeves... so much nicer to hide under the bulk of winter clothes. Lol.
I  want to be clear that I don't need a man, I am not desperate for a man, and I won't settle for an o.k. man. I know if I am not happy with me, no man will make me happy, but what I am is lonely. I want some emotional intimacy, (and oh my gosh... physical too!!) So where does that leave me? Maybe I should set a weight and decide that is when I will put a profile on a site. Maybe not my goal weight but how about 10 or 20 lbs from it? That way I would be close, and I can get my feet wet, so to speak, there will be no swimming dates, trust me. Mind you a walk in the rain would be fine. Plus the excitement of dating might be the boost I need if the last lbs don't want to leave me.
Hmmm what to do, what to do? I think that is it. I think when I weigh 159 I will put a profile on a dating site and see what happens. I think my final goal weight is 139. Wii says my optimum weight is 132, but I think I'm going to be good at 139, time will tell.
K, thanks for "listening."
In case you are wondering, I haven't been doing as well with my goals as I would like. I need to get more proactive with that. I have been doing well with the weight stuff, well not the walking, I spend the last 5 days sitting literally all day in bleachers watching sporting events, but the calories have been where I want them. It's the other stuff that I haven't been doing as well as I would like. I'll write all that down somewhere where I can see it daily and work on that more consistently.
I hope you all enjoy the day, whether there is a sweetie in the picture or not... I just decided I'm going to spend the whole day telling myself how much I love me!!

Tuesday, 7 February 2012

In a Better Place

Christie recently commented to one of my posts that she was happy that I seemed to be in a better place lately. Thanks for commenting and noticing Christie. Yes, I would say I am in a better place. Not "THE BETTER PLACE" thankfully, (not quite ready for that yet,) but yes, overall a better place.
I have always been a 'glass half full' kind of gal, but it seems over the last several, actually... many years, I had lost that. I have always felt that the way you feel depends on how you decide you are going to feel, but like all good habits, given the right conditions, they can be eroded.
Recently I made a conscious decision that I was tired of being sad. I was tired of feeling like life sucks. Tired of letting the way other people act have such an effect on the way I feel. I was just tired of not being happy. So I gave some serious thought on how to get happy. As you know, I have been setting some goals that I've posted on here, I have also set some others with regard to finance that I haven't bored you with. The feeling of taking control of my life really is empowering. I know that everything is not where I want it, and some of the things I need to change are going to take many years, but at least I don't feel like I am just coasting anymore. No more thinking that it is o.k. to be waiting for something to happen to get things started. It was always something. When I lose weight, I will ____________ (insert 'the thing' here.) When I pay off that debt I will take a vacation with my child. When I feel more confident I'll start to date. (O.k. I admit it, this one was about losing weight too.) When I have more time I'll get my house the way I want it. It's always something, and I don't want to have my life on hold anymore. None of us have a guarantee as to how long we will live, and it's time for me to stop waiting for life to start.
Having said all that, I don't totally know what that means. I will continue on with my courses to move towards a new career. I will continue to live a healthy lifestyle. I will continue to set goals each week to move me closer to being the person I want to be.
I have been doing well with the latest goals I added. One that feels the best right now is doing leg exercises while I'm brushing my teeth. It's so simple, and really only about 2 mins, a couple times a day, but it feels good. This week is half over and I haven't added anything new this week, which is fine, so I guess I will just keep on with what I have so far.

Thursday, 2 February 2012

Great weekend

I know I haven't posted in over a week, things have been rather hectic here.

I went away last weekend and saw the friend that I hadn't seen in a few months. I had a great time, and I hope we can get together again in March. I don't know if that is going to fall into place or not, but I am still using that as my March goal date.

I did really well with eating on the weekend, I didn't count calories, but lets face it, I have been doing this long enough to know what I should and shouldn't eat, and how much. Plus it was easy, we were so busy doing other stuff that food was as it should be, a fuel, rather than a pastime.

I didn't do really well with the goals I set out with regard to the longer walks, etc. As I mentioned last week was busy getting all the ducks in a row for the weekend, then when I got home on Sunday night my child got a rather violent flu, so that changed the routine. Between attending to a sick child and therefore days of not doing what I normally would be doing, I have been playing catch up.

I did have a bad food day on Monday. This is not an excuse, but an explanation, and maybe a lesson for me. I had 2 very late nights on the weekend, could barely stay awake on the 3 hour drive home on Sunday, then Sunday night the flu set in and my child was up all night. We only caught a few winks here and there between bucket calls. Monday I was exhausted and totally out of energy. I ate way more than I should have, mostly I think, as a means of trying to boost my energy.

Really no new goals for this week since I haven't mastered the most recent ones I set yet. I will carry on with those that I have been doing, and work on consistently adding the recent ones.

Over all weight loss for January is good. As I mentioned I thought I was on track for a higher loss earlier in the month, but I will take what I got. Jan 1st I weighed 196.0. Feb 1st I weighed 184.7, for a total monthly loss of 11.3lbs. I'll take it.

The next date I have in mind that I am working towards in Feb 25. I will see a friend I haven't seen for exactly a year. That is just over 3 weeks. If I lose 2 lbs a week, that would be really nice. That is my pie in the sky, but hey, I'll take more...lol. My real goal is to do everything right each and every day between now and then so that when that date comes I can honestly say to myself I did what I could. No matter what the number says, if I did the right things, that is all I can do. I say each and every day, that's my goal, but lets face it there is going to be another of "those" days between now and then when my body will try to mess with me, and sadly a day or 2 when my head will try and mess with me too, so if I end up messing up for a day, don't worry, I'm not going to drive the van off the cliff...

Wednesday, 25 January 2012

I didn't drive the van off a cliff.

So the very day after I wrote the long motivation post, was that 'hell' day of the month where I think I am starving to death and there isn't enough food in the world to satisfy me. Unfortunately I was home all day, and not as hyper focused and busy as I should have been, so...I ate a lot, I ate often, and I ate poorly. I didn't even try to count the calories, I knew it was pointless.

The good news is, yes there is good news, the next day when I got up I didn't have the familiar attitude of oh well, I've blown it now, what the heck, I'll start again on Monday. I decided to adopt the same attitude that I would in so many other areas of my life where there is a setback. For example if I drop my phone on the floor, I don't say, "oh well, I've dropped it now, I may as well stomp on it until it's beyond repair." A few years ago when I slid into a curb and bent my tire rim on an icy road I didn't drive to a cliff and drive the van off because something happened and the whole thing was ruined now. So why do I, dare I say we(?) have such an all or nothing attitude about a day where we mess up with the eating? I did chose not to get on the scale the next day, I knew that wouldn't be good, but today when I got on, I was only up .6 of a pound. Now it's true, if I hadn't had that day, if I would have fought through and not eaten all that I did I would be down instead of up, but life happens. I am a woman, I'm so glad I am, and if that means that one day a month my body goes insane, oh well. I'll deal.

I have been doing well with my goals, really on track with all I have set so far. Although I am almost a week behind on adding new ones, I'll let you know what I have been doing.

This week I added;
-doing some kind of leg exercise every time I brush my teeth for 2 minutes. I've been doing squats, lunges, leg lifts, whatever I think of. It is not going to make a huge difference in any hurry, but it is an effort to move more.
-I have too much stuff in my life. I'm going to go through my stuff and find at least one large bag or box of things to take to donate.
-I'm going to increase the daily walks to a minimum of 25 mins.

Just to keep you updated, overall I have lost 10.2 lbs since the 1st, not as much as I had hoped, it seemed like I was on track to have a bigger loss a week ago, but I'm more than fine with it. The month isn't over, and if I can lose 10 lbs a month I will be very, very happy!!

Thanks for reading, and commenting, it really is helping.

Saturday, 21 January 2012

Motivation

Motivation...I haven't lost it, I don't plan to, but I have been thinking about it. Thinking about what really motivates me. Of course when I started this journey, when I was 244 lbs, I was concerned with my health. I couldn't get up the stairs without being out of breath and exhausted. I wanted to play with my young child, and I wanted to be around a long time to see my child through to adulthood and beyond.
Although I know that the weight I carry now is not healthy, I don't feel like it is killing me, shortening my life like I did then. So really that isn't my motivation now. So what is? Well the first thing that comes to mind is that I want to look good naked. Funny really because I'm not in a relationship at the moment, and the career I'm wanting to start this year is not as a stripper, sorry, exotic dancer, so maybe I should be saying I want to look good in a bathing suit. Actually I want to look good in all cloths. I have a recent recollection from 4 years ago of what it is like to go to a store, try on a bunch of stuff that fits and actually buy cute cloths. It was amazing! I so badly want that back fat gone, and that fat that kind of hangs over my elbow on the back of my arm, and the saddlebags... oh my the saddlebags!
I am shocked, sad, and disappointed with myself that I let the circumstances in my life effect my mental state, and then my 'weakened' mental state sent me back to my old eating habits and I gained weight.
Oh well, that was then, and that is not the topic of today's blog.
O.k. so what motivates me? I want to be healthy. I don't want to give cancer, and all the other disease's associated with overweight any advantage to shorten my life. I want to look good naked and in cloths. What else? Well I hate the idea of seeing people I used to know. I don't want the ones that I saw or met while was at my almost goal weight to see me heavier, and the ones that knew me as heavy, I would like to see them again when I'm looking good.
What else? I want to be able to get up out a chair effortlessly. I want to be able to go for a long bike ride, or roller blade with my child. I want to set a great example of healthy balanced living to my child. If there was an emergency I want to be able to react the way I need to. I want to have energy. I want to start to date. I want to get this body where I want it so I can spend the countless hours that I think about it, thinking about something else.
All things that I want, and all things that motivate me to a point, but what motivates me the most right now is the fact that next weekend I am going to be seeing a friend that I haven't seen in awhile. I know it is only a week away, and realistically I'm not going to look a whole lot, if any, different next weekend than I do now. I mean really, the best I can hope for is a few lbs. But I do know that I will feel a whole lot better knowing I did what I could this week and that I lost however much weight I could rather than being 2 or 5 lbs up.
The other thing that is motivating me now is the weekend of Feb 25th. I will see someone that weekend that I won't have seen for exactly a year.  I will be smaller by Feb. 25th than I am now, and even though I won't be as small as I was last year, I still want to work as hard as I can between now and then. That's a month, between 8 and 10 lbs should be doable.
Next goal is the weekend of March 15th. The friend I am seeing next weekend I will be seeing that weekend as well. I would be so pleased if I could be 15-20 lbs lighter by that time.
The next goal after that is the weekend of April 11. That weekend is a dear friend's 25th wedding anniversary and most everyone there will have last seen me at my highest weight, then years before that when I was... normal. I'll tell you how much I would like to weigh by then, realistically I know it might be a pipe dream, but in a perfect world I would like to be 150 lbs. 36.4 lbs lighter than I was this morning. I guess time will tell. If I can stay the course, doing all the right things between now and each of these dates, wherever I am with regard to the weight will be a win.
So apparently what motivates me right now is other people. I'm not sure I like that. I mean I know I should be doing it for myself, and how I feel, and I am, but I'll admit that part of how I feel is tied up in not feeling embarrassed about how I look. I'll admit it, I'm vain and I want to look as good as I can.
What motivates you right now?
Because this is super long, I'll comment on how I did with my goals this past week tomorrow, and make any revisions needed.

Sunday, 15 January 2012

Sunday update

I didn't accomplish everything this week that I would have liked to, or at least to the degree I would have liked.
I didn't get to the gym, or do pilates, so that is a bit disappointing. I had a busy, physical week, but if I were to be honest with myself, there were plenty of times I could have accomplished this. Next week will be better.
I didn't have that long phone call with a friend. Tried once, our timing wasn't right. I'll try again next week.
I didn't blog 4 times, but honestly I'm not stressed about this one. I don't see the point of posting if I don't feel like I have anything 'readable' to say.
I was thinking about my goals for this week. I am going to continue with the ones I have already set out, but, what am I going to add? Well I have always been a believer in positive thinking, and although I have never really tried it, I believe that imagining what you want to happen, visualisation, is just another part of positive thinking. This week, I would like to spend some time each day, several times a day, visualising me feeling good and looking good in shorts and a tank top this summer. I have a specific pair of shorts and top in mind. I am going to 'see' myself in these cloths everyday as I move towards making this a reality.
The scale has been doing what it should over the last few weeks. I'm pleased that things are moving in the right direction and fairly quickly. Since Jan 1st I have lost 8.4 lbs. I know this is fast, and I know this is not going to keep up, but for now I'm going to just enjoy it.

Thursday, 12 January 2012

Up, then down, then up, then down...

So the scale dissed me on the 9th, loved me on the 10th, dissed me again on the 11th, and loved me again today... she's nothing if not interesting. Overall she is acknowledging my continued good behaviour and I am happy to report that I have entered the 180's. Good bye 190's, FOREVER! Some of you commented that you don't weigh everyday because it can throw you off, and if that's the case I think it is the best plan not to weigh every day. When I started on this journey, I didn't weigh myself for months. My focus was to get more fit and healthy and of course the weight came off. That worked well then. Now I feel like I need to weigh every day just to keep me on track. As you may or may not know, I was within 10 lbs of what I think will be my goal weight, and life got messy and I just kind of allowed things to slide. I gradually gained 40 lbs because I was fooling myself that it wasn't that bad, and I would get back on track , blah, blah, blah. I promise if weighing myself everyday starts to drive me seriously crazy, not just mildly crazy, I will step away from the scale... well for the daily weigh in's at least.

I have been doing pretty well with my goals, I won't detail every thing from every day, but I am on track with most everything. Now that school is back in this has been a busy week, so that's means it time for me to play catch up from having the holidays off.

Monday, 9 January 2012

Scale dissed me today

Well as the post title says, the scale let me down today. I say the scale did, because honestly I have no idea what happened. I was under my calories, didn't eat what I thought was overly salty food, and I had a 30 min walk, so what the heck? O.k. it is just one day, and things can happen. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. I just realised I ate the leftovers from last night for dinner tonight, so if it was a salty issue, I may be in the same boat tomorrow. Another thing I just thought of was is that I weighed about 3 hours earlier than I have been, and of course that means the full morning routine hadn't been completed. Oh well, I was doing everything right, so the numbers will all do what they are suppose to eventually.

With regard to the weekly goals;
-fun things, besides the normal hanging out things with my child- she is with her dad
-keep my calories under 1700 - yes -write down everything I eat yes -drink 8 glasses of water each day -7 so far -walk 20 mins per day -30 mins -do pilates or go to the gym 3 times this week -not yet -continue with the teeth flossing, and lotion after the showers -no floss, yes lotion -make time for a long phone call with a friend -not yet
-post to blog at least 4 times this week- one -work on paperwork, at least 1 hour-only 15 mins so far -spend at least 5 hours on the new courses -one hour today -wear perfume and earrings every time I leave the house -yup -remind myself to smile, just randomly smile. -smiling right now


Tomorrow I hope to have some time to actually write a more interesting blog than just an update. Thanks for the comments btw.

So, in the preview the goals are bigger than the rest of the text, but in the blog it's smaller. Also, in the preview it is all in bullet points, in the actual blog as you can see, it is all hodgepodge. Shrug. No idea how to fix that, so again, I hope you can read it.

Sunday, 8 January 2012

Weekly update

I didn't post yesterday, ran out of time. But to quickly summarise, I didn't walk, but I was very active. I kept the calories under my goal and  wrote down everything I ate. Basically a successful day and week. Yeah me!

I weighed myself this morning, and the loss for the week was 5.7 lbs. I don't know if I have ever lost this much weight in one week, and I know that it will not be typical, but I'll take it as a good jump start. So my weight today was 190.3 Looking forward to getting into the '80 again, once and for all!! Not the decade, the weight. Sorry, couldn't resist.

So this week my new goals are to;
-fun things, besides the normal hanging out things with my child
-keep my calories under 1700
-write down everything I eat
-drink 8 glasses of water each day
-walk 20 mins per day
-do pilates or go to the gym 3 times this week
-continue with the teeth flossing, and lotion after the showers
-make time for a long phone call with a friend
-post to blog at least 4 times this week
-work on paperwork, at least 1 hour
-spend at least 5 hours on the new courses
-wear perfume and earrings every time I leave the house
-remind myself to smile, just randomly smile.

One week back on track down, the rest of my life to go... woo hoo!

To those of you that comment, ty, I always appreciate reading what you have to say. To those that read but don't comment, feel free.

Friday, 6 January 2012

Day 6

Scale was exactly the same as yesterday, but I wasn't surprised, I weighed before I completed all of my morning rituals. I think you know what I mean. I shall say no more. Same is fine, tomorrow will be better.

I did manage to cross off a few more things from the weekly goals list.

I played 1 hour of wii with my child. When I said I wanted to do 2 really fun things, I was thinking more like sledding or skiing, or something...big, but that just hasn't happened. I don't feel like an hour of wii counts, but as a friend pointed out there are tons of parents that would never do that, and the little consistent things make the memories too.

I also got the email written and send to friend I have kind of lost touch with. That feels good. I will have writing to others that I've lost touch with as upcoming weekly goals as well.

-2 really fun things with my child. –played wii together for about an hour -write down everything I eat. -yes
-stay under 1700 calories daily. –yes about 1300
-walk 20 mins a day -yes
-floss my teeth 3 times this week - yes -lotion on my body after shower -yes -write a long overdue email –yes, and sent
-look into taking some courses –still planning to start Monday
-1 hour on paperwork on my messy desk. –yes, did 30 mins more today
-blog at least 3 days this week -yes
Sorry about the inconsistent font size, I cut and paste part of blog, and then I can't seem to make it the same... oh well, I'm guessing you can still read it. Geez I hope it isn't too annoying!
I just noticed that I have passed 1000 visits to my blog, one word... cool!

Thursday, 5 January 2012

Quick post

Scale was good to me again today. I was pretty surprised. Last night after I posted I ate a bag of microwave popcorn and added that salt and vinegar seasoning. This all kept me under my goal of 1700 calories for the day, but when I got up this morning my fingers were a  bit puffy.

With regard to the weekly goals;

-2 really fun things with my child. - she was at her Dad's today 
-write down everything I eat. -yes
-stay under 1700 calories daily. -yes
-walk 20 mins a day  -yes actually walked 30, although not aggressively

-floss my teeth 3 times this week - one more down, I must be close to 3...lol.
-lotion on my body after shower -yes
-write a long overdue email -started one, but not done
-look into taking some courses –plan to start Monday
-1 hour on paperwork on my messy desk. -yes

-blog at least 3 days this week -yes

Dawn commented on yesterdays post about just buying new pants. I used to do that too when I was really big and wouldn't wear jeans. I bought those cotton pants with the stretch waist band. Not sweats, not yoga pants, but heavy cotton, almost denim. Anyway, I remember buying my first size large, then XL, then XXL. The XXL were very tight, threatening to really embarrass me at any turn, but I never did get the 3XL even though I should have. Funny thing is I remember buying the XL, but the subsequent sizes weren't as traumatic. Hmmmm, more mind games?



Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Mind Games

I mentioned yesterday that I was going to play a mind game with myself with regard to the latest, greatest diet out there. (Hee hee, it is, because it's my idea) I am still planning on using this 'one day diet' as a means of keeping focused on the here and now, and not becoming overwhelmed with the enormity of the job.

However, something that happened today got me thinking about the mind games I have played with myself over the years that have NOT served me well. I was doing up the belt I wear with my jeans, yes I wear a belt with my jeans, yes they are "mom jeans," I'm old school and yes I will likely be wearing "mom jeans" for quite some time, at least until I get to about 160 lbs, (I had some really nice jeans when I was there, still not the really hip kind, you know the ones that shows off half your ass when you move, but not quite so 'momsie' as these. ) I won't even rethink my decision on my "mom jeans" if National Enquirer posts a picture of me on the cover calling me out on them. Anyway, I was doing up the belt, and although I obviously knew this had happened, today was the first time I really noticed that I was 7 holes away from where I was when I was at my low weight in Feb of 2008. 7 holes, just to be clear that's SEVEN FREAKIN' holes, each one approx 1" apart!! So what kind of bull poop was I telling myself each time I moved one more hole away from that smallest hole in that belt? Here are a few examples of those wonderful mind games;
-I'm under a lot of stress... so somehow I convinced myself that because I was having a terrible time with the end of my marriage it was o.k. Did I really believe that gaining weight, feeling and looking worse was somehow going to make me feel better?
-I'll get this under control next week. Ummm we know how that turned out.
-I don't look that bad. Well no, I guess maybe I didn't look that bad, I could have looked worse. I wasn't as big as I was when I was 244, but I didn't look as good as I did when I was 154 for freakin' sure, or as good as I could.
-This 1 cookie, (or whatever) is not that big of a deal. Well that was good, two more in this row, may as well finish them off, because 2 more is not going to do me in. Hmmm, maybe I should just eat the rest of the bag and get them out of the house so I'm not tempted! Then I'll get back on track again tomorrow. We all know how that turned out.
-Because so far I'm really generally healthy, I'm somehow the exception to the rule that carrying extra weight is unhealthy. I won't get sick, with cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure, or any of the zillion other things that study after study has shown to increase with increased weight. (Thank God that so far I have dodged all these bullets, but really I'm going to be 50 this year, how long will that continue?)
-I have even convinced myself, through things that have happened, and the mind games that have followed that somehow I'm not smart, or a good person, or attractive, or worthy of love. People are always telling me that I'm smart and kind and attractive and that someone who wasn't an ass would love to love me, so I guess on some level I know the things I tell myself aren't true. But in my heart, in my mind, not so much.
-I don't need to work at a career, because somehow, magically my dream career will just show up for me. Here I am, again almost 50, still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, and my finances are a mess.
-I've got lots of time to get my body, mind, career, house, etc in order. Well even if I do, even if I live a long, long life, I'm never getting these days back. My child will never be this age again.

Of course I could go on, and on and on, and I'm sure you could add some of your own mind games, actually feel free to, I think it would be good for us to get them out in the open.

So even though I am going to continue to play mind games with myself, I'm going to try really, really hard to only play ones that serve me well.

The scale didn't give me as much love this morning, only .2 of a lbs down, but hey, I'll take it, and still doing well for the week. I'll post my loss and weight once a week if you all are interested. Lol, 'you all' o.k. both of you...

Weekly goals;
-2 really fun things with my child. -we went for a walk together and talked about silly things and laughed the whole time. Not the kind of really fun thing I was thinking, but it was fun!
-write down everything I eat. -yes

-stay under 1700 calories daily. -yes, so far I'm at 1150, may or may not have something else, shrug
-walk 20 mins a day -yes,
-floss my teeth 3 times this week -just 1 so far
-lotion on my body after shower -yes
-write a long overdue email grrrr, not yet
-look into taking some courses -didn't start yet
-1 hour on paperwork on my messy desk. -yes, woo hoo, but that thing is still a mess!
-blog at least 3 days this week -is this 2 or 3...lol


This is longer than I would like it, sorry, I am going to try to keep things shorter, but sometimes I just get going!

Tuesday, 3 January 2012

New Diet Plan

I know what you are thinking... oh no, not another crazy diet! Well I have never been one to go on those crazy diets, with the exception of 1. Back in the '80's I did the Scarsdale Diet a few times. That's it though, no grapefruit diet, no South Beach diet, no cabbage diet, or any other of those weird ones that were out there. But now, I'm going to start a new one. At least for January. It is called the "One Day Diet."
Never heard of it, well that's because I am making it up, right here, right now. My plan is rather than thinking about how much weight I have to lose, and how long it is going to take me to lose it, which is not only depressing, it is discouraging, I'm going to focus on today. I'm going to play some mind games with myself and tell myself that today, just today, I'm going to be good. I'm going to eat right, do the exercise I say I'm going to, along with the rest of the things I've said I'm going to do each day. When I'm feeling like I can't do, or I'm feeling too tempted, I'm going to tell myself, "Just today, diet is just for today. Tomorrow I can do what I want."

I haven't lost my willpower or dedication... yet. When I do, (I know myself well enough to say when, not if...) this is what I'm planning on falling back on.
The scale was good to me again this morning, thank you Ms. Scale. I'll do my part, you do yours.

I did well today with the weeks goals as well. I'm looking forward to next week when hopefully my toe will continue to be feeling better, and I can add some more movement into the mix. I don't think I mentioned I broke my toe just before Christmas.

So here is today's breakdown;
-2 really fun things with my child -she got home tonight, so no.
-write down everything I eat. -yes
-stay under 1700 calories daily.-yes, about 1600
-walk 20 mins a day -yes
-floss my teeth 3 times this week -one down
-lotion on my body after shower -yes, it felt good too
-write a long overdue email -no
-look into taking some courses -I'm registered, not sure if I'll start this week.
-1 hour on paperwork on my messy desk.-10 mins
-blog at least 3 days this week
-this is 2


So that's where I'm at, one day at a time. I feel like I'm ready again. With this new diet I know I can do it. I will reach my goal. I will be healthy and fit, and well, dare I say... hot!! Go me!! Go us!!!

Monday, 2 January 2012

Quick update

Today wasn't as productive as it should have been. I got some unexpected company today, which was nice, but changed my plans for sure.

Here's how I did on my weekly goals today;
-I'll do at least 2 really fun things with my child. -still at her dad's
-I'll write down everything I eat. -check
-I'll try to stay under 1700 calories daily. -check, about 1500
-I'll walk 20 mins a day -check
-I'll floss my teeth 3 times this week, -nope
-I will put lotion on my body after every shower. -check
-I will write a long overdue email to one of my friends -nope
-I will look into taking some courses that I want to take to change careers. -registered  today
-I will spend 1 hour this week working on paperwork on my messy desk. -nope
-I will try to blog at least 3 days this week,  -so far, so good
I weighted myself this morning, and I have to say I was pleased, but of course when you have have been eating too much, we all know that the first few lbs are not only easy, but likely not real weight. You know, water, bloating, full insides, all that. It's nice to see a lower number than the day before, and I'll take it. I'd love to see the number go down a little every day, but I know that isn't going to happen. I'm going to try really hard not to get all caught up in the daily numbers, or for that matter the weekly numbers, but to keep my eye on the price, you know, the big picture,  and pay closer attention to the NSV's. ( I can't tell you how many times I read that before I figured out what a NSV was...lol!)
Anyway, more soon, thanks for your comments, and support, even if you don't comment. I totally get that, I read several blogs, and rarely comment.

Sunday, 1 January 2012

I'm Back, again, Jan. 1st, 2012

How many scales that have been neglected for weeks, months, years were stepped on this morning? I know mine was. I haven't weighted myself for over a month. I know, I know... But in the last month, it was like I was eating as much as possible on purpose. Well maybe not as much as possible, but there were no restrictions of any kind. I saw it, I wanted it, I ate it. No thought of is this a good idea? Have I had enough today? Is this moving me towards or away from my ultimate goal? None of that.

The end of November, I hurt my back, couldn't work out, could barely move. I was taking more pain medication than I have ever taken, and it wasn't touching it. So I wasn't getting any exercise. Still managing to eat though, although honestly not too much, I didn't have the strength.

A few days after I was feeling better my Mom had to have emergency surgery. It was out of the blue, and it had me at the hospital for many days and nights. Because I am an emotional eater, the very real fear of losing my Mom send me for a loop, then seeing her in a state that I have never seen her in before was also very hard, and that send me to the fridge. Thank God Mom is on the road to recovery, but because she is 79 it will be slow and because of the nature of the surgery she will not ever be back to exactly where she was.

Then it was Christmas, there was the usual assortment of baking that my child and I do every year, the last many years I have easily resisted all the baking we had around, but his year, I seemed to have the attitude I was going to eat as much as I wanted. I even had to make an extra batch of one type of cookies because I had eaten so many. How bad is that!! (Don't answer, I know, it's really freakin' bad!)

On top of all this, for whatever reason, my ex has stepped up the game of being unreasonable. He still isn't paying any child support, so we are dealing with lawyers over that, and he is just mean whenever he gets the chance.

So.... all of these excuses, and more, have me weighing 27 lbs more than I weighed in the spring.

Here are my numbers;

-I was at my highest weight in 2004;  244 lbs

-I gradually lost weight, to get to my lowest weight in many years in Feb. 2008; 154 lbs (-90lbs)

-Gradual weight gain over the next few years, (the reason/excuses for this are in earlier posts) I won't bore you with all the details of the up's and down's but I did get as high as 186 but I put the brakes on that and in March of 2011 I was down to 169 lbs. I was delighted about that, that was 15 lbs away from my lowest, and 29 lbs from what I thought my goal weight would be.

Now this morning, Jan 1, 2012 I weighed 196 lbs.

Well if there is good news, I guess it is that I am under 200, I have been eating so much and moving so little I really thought I would be about 210 lbs.

Sooooo, now what? Of course a new year is a time of re-evaluation for a lot of people, and I am one of them. I'm not happy with my life, that is no surprise, so what do I do to get happy?

Well I am making some changes. All of them small, but all of them steps in the forward direction.

I"m going to make small changes this week, adding more small changes each week and build on my forward momentum in baby steps. When I lost 90 lbs before, I did it gradually, very gradually, and honestly it didn't seem that hard, especially considering the huge payoff I had in the way I looked and felt.
I will get my life, my body, my relationships, my house and my yard to the place that they should be. I will learn to love myself, I will regain my confidence, and I will stop treating life like it is a dress-rehearsal.
So this week....
-I will do at least 2 really fun things with my child.
-I will write down everything I eat. 
-I will try to stay under 1700 calories daily.
-I will walk 20 mins a day
-I will floss my teeth 3 times this week, (I know I should do it everyday, but baby steps, right?)
-I will put lotion on my body after every shower.
-I will write a long overdue email to one of my friends that I have not kept in touch with.
-I will look into taking some courses that I want to take to change careers.
-I will spend 1 hour this week working on paperwork on my messy desk.
-I will try to blog at least 3 days this week, (this may or may not count as one...)

So am I setting myself up, again? I guess we'll see. But I am no less determined than I have ever been, and I believe what they say about smoking to be true of many other things as well. That you need to keep quitting until you quit.

So, here we go...... weeeeee!