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Thursday, 19 May 2011

I don't know where to start

So... I  haven't been posting, I haven't been exercising, I haven't been eating anything I should. I am right on the cusp of being depressed.
I need, NEED  to find a way to not let my soon to be ex- husband's meanness get to me. I don't want him back. I don't love him. I don't like him. I don't want to speak to him or be around him. I know that my life is better, and most importantly my child's life is better with us living apart, but he still gets to me.
He has been calling me names since we separated. When he is doing it, and right after I just laugh, remove myself from the situation and feel sorry for him that he is so unhappy, and that he is such a child, but within a short period of time I am crying. Not in front of him, but I cry at how hurtful it is. We were together for 23 years and although our life together is over, it hurts me that he hates me so much. Because the personal contact was deteriorating, generally we don't talk, I try to communicate with him via texts, or email, that seems to be less emotionally charged, but lately he has taken to calling and leaving me voice messages and calling me a do###bag.
I know I can't control his actions, and I know that I shouldn't continue to give him this kind of power over me, but it is sooo upsetting to me. When I am upset, I eat. (Not that he forced the food into my mouth when we were together, but I didn't have a good coping mechanism when we were married either and my sadness, and hurt during our marriage caused me to allow my weight to get to 244)
I got so much better, I wasn't thinking about him and what was wrong, I was thinking about what was right. I lost lots of weight, and was really happy. I don't know why this time it is different? I don't know why this new onslaught has me so upset. It makes me mad that he still has this control over me, or rather that I ALLOW him to have this control over me. I just know I am tired of being fat, I am tired of feeling sad, I'm tired of being so tired. Sadness and depression, not to mention not working out, and not eating well is exhausting. I am tired of having this nauseous feeling in my stomach all the time that only eating stuff that isn't good for me seems to temporarily suppress.
I will get back on track. I will get to where I want to be with regard to my health. I will discover a way to stop allowing a person who wishes nothing good for me to have such control over my life...