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Thursday, 19 May 2011

I don't know where to start

So... I  haven't been posting, I haven't been exercising, I haven't been eating anything I should. I am right on the cusp of being depressed.
I need, NEED  to find a way to not let my soon to be ex- husband's meanness get to me. I don't want him back. I don't love him. I don't like him. I don't want to speak to him or be around him. I know that my life is better, and most importantly my child's life is better with us living apart, but he still gets to me.
He has been calling me names since we separated. When he is doing it, and right after I just laugh, remove myself from the situation and feel sorry for him that he is so unhappy, and that he is such a child, but within a short period of time I am crying. Not in front of him, but I cry at how hurtful it is. We were together for 23 years and although our life together is over, it hurts me that he hates me so much. Because the personal contact was deteriorating, generally we don't talk, I try to communicate with him via texts, or email, that seems to be less emotionally charged, but lately he has taken to calling and leaving me voice messages and calling me a do###bag.
I know I can't control his actions, and I know that I shouldn't continue to give him this kind of power over me, but it is sooo upsetting to me. When I am upset, I eat. (Not that he forced the food into my mouth when we were together, but I didn't have a good coping mechanism when we were married either and my sadness, and hurt during our marriage caused me to allow my weight to get to 244)
I got so much better, I wasn't thinking about him and what was wrong, I was thinking about what was right. I lost lots of weight, and was really happy. I don't know why this time it is different? I don't know why this new onslaught has me so upset. It makes me mad that he still has this control over me, or rather that I ALLOW him to have this control over me. I just know I am tired of being fat, I am tired of feeling sad, I'm tired of being so tired. Sadness and depression, not to mention not working out, and not eating well is exhausting. I am tired of having this nauseous feeling in my stomach all the time that only eating stuff that isn't good for me seems to temporarily suppress.
I will get back on track. I will get to where I want to be with regard to my health. I will discover a way to stop allowing a person who wishes nothing good for me to have such control over my life...

Monday, 9 May 2011

I'm back....this is a long post, I suggest 2 sittings...

Hi everyone. I'm back. Killer cold is still hanging on, although I am mostly functioning normally, or as normally as I normally function.

On April 12 I weighed 177.5 and I stated that it was time to get serious, I had great intentions, I did really well for the first week but sadly... life got in the way. Tom arrived, then I got sick, I ended up gaining some weight, only 2 lbs, which was better than I thought because I was eating whatever I had the energy to get into my mouth fast.

I have gotten back on track with the food, and I have been working out pretty much on schedule, but honestly I have been feeling like I blew it. I made big proclamations, and then... poof, I wasn't able to follow through. This is the main reason that I haven't posted. Really felt like I dropped the ball... again.

But then when I sat down and looked at the numbers, I realized that I was being too hard on myself, like many of you, I am WAY  too good at that.

My weight today was 171.1. So since April 12, almost a month ago, in spite of being sick and not working out for a few weeks, I still lost 6.4 lbs. Although that isn't the goal I set for myself, and yes, I probably could have done better, really, I should be happy with that! I could really, really easily have been up considering the circumstances, and my history.

So this has made me think about how I am so hard on myself. My close friends have told me for years and years, that I'm way harder on myself that I EVER would be on anyone else. Even though I know and see that the number on the scale is going down, (and up) and down again, why do I feel like I'm not getting anywhere? Yes it would have been really, really nice to have lost 10- 12 lbs in the last month, but like I said, life got in the way. Stuff happens. Why can't I celebrate the fact that the bottom line and my bottom is 6.4 lbs lighter than last month? Although I am hoping it happens way, way faster than this, but if I lose 6 lbs a month, I will be at my goal by autumn. This autumn! Time for me to not only work on losing weight, but work on being kinder to myself. Rather than brush off, downplay or outright diss who I am and what my accomplishments are, it is time to start to be kinder to myself.

How will I do this? Good question, I am open to suggestions. But to start I am going to think of a few phrases that I will say to myself whenever the most common negative things come into my head. Over the next little while I am going to work on identifying what they are, but for now the things that I say most are that I'm fat, unlovable, broke, unemployable, lazy, disorganized, messy, and dumb.

Here's what I'm thinking for these so far;

Fat- I have lost over 70 lbs, I am pretty fit and I am heading in the right direction.

Unlovable- there are lots of people who love me, and tell me I am a great person, and they feel there will be love out there for me some day when I'm ready. Just because there were issues with my ex it does not mean that I am
unlovable. O.k. I agree this might be too long to say each time, so maybe "This isn't true, I am loved."

Broke- well this one is a fact, but maybe what I need to do is ask myself what can I do today, this week, to change that, and act on whatever small thing that is.

Unemployable- I know I am employable, I have been an excellent employee, I have owned my own business. I could do it. The fact is not that I am unemployable, but that I am not qualified to be doing that things that I would like, and making the kind of money that I feel I should be at this point in my life. I want a career that fills all my wish list. I will say, "I know I am a great employee, and there are tons of people who would be happy to have me."

Lazy- I act in a lazy way too much of the time, but that doesn't mean I am a lazy person. I will tell myself that I am not lazy, and to prove it, I will tell myself to get moving and do something.

Disorganized- I'm currently living a fairly disorganized life. I can change this, one piece of paper at a time. I will tell myself to spend 5 mins on paperwork right then.

Messy - Again, right now, my house, yard, and garage is a mess. I hate it. I will change it one thing at a time. A big issue for me, as with alot of people is that it seems overwhelming. I need to approach it just like weight loss, 1 little thing at a time. I will tell myself, that I am not a messy person. I can change it if I stop being overwhelmed and just get moving. One small step for mankind, 1 giant step towards a clean house...

Dumb - this one is just pure lack of self-esteem. I know that I am an intelligent person, (although my spelling has always sucked, thank you spell check!) I know that my IQ is really quite respectable, I know that I know a lot about a lot. But still, there it is. Just telling myself "no you're not" doesn't seem like enough...lol.

So even though I didn't make the last goal I so boldly stated... here I go again. June 6, 4 weeks from today, I want to be 10 lbs lighter than today. 2.5 lbs per week, I should be able to do this... well that's the theory anyway...lol. I will however accept, and be proud of whatever weight loss I manage to pull of in that time.