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Monday, 28 November 2011

Numbers, numbers, numbers.

Well...my weight today was worse than I thought it would be. I guess that should be no surprise really. That is what happened when I got myself to 244 lbs in the first place, I didn't think I weighted as much as I thought.

So today I weighted 195.6. Insert angry swear here! Even though this is only a few lbs more than I thought I was, when I saw that number I had that hopeless what the hell is the point feeling and, where is the ice cream?

I know goals are important, everything you read tells you so, however I have never been good at setting them. I guess I never really learned how. So for now my goal is to get through today. I will not go out and buy ice cream. I will eat right today and I will get some exercise. My exercise goal is to do some pilates and go for a short walk.

Here we go... again.

Sunday, 27 November 2011

I am going to start to get back to posting here, slowly...

Hi... to anyone who may see this. Sorry I have not posted since... May? Part of the reason I haven't posted is that I feel like there is so much to catch up on, and doing all that catching up would take more time to write and more time for you to read than is good for either of us. Maybe I can let go of some of that perfection and just start to post again.
 I am sad, so sad to say that not much has changed since May. Ex-husband is more angry than ever, and more mean and unreasonable than ever. He isn't as mean an some ex's and I know that I can never control his actions, only my re-action, and I am working on that, but all to often I self-mediate with food.  I have fallen off the taking care of me path. I have gained back a bunch of weight. I honestly don't know how much I weigh at the moment, how bad is that?? I am guessing that I have gained about 40 lbs from my lowest point in Feb of '08. Even typing that makes me sad. Just think of where I could be if in these last almost 4 years I have been working on improving all areas of my life instead of sabotaging them!! I guess if there is an upside, if I indeed have only gained 40 lbs, (only!!) that means that I am still down 50 lbs from where I started at 244.

It makes me so sad/mad that here is another winter, Christmas, New Year upon us, and I am still stuck!!! I have been invited to a Christmas party that I really would like to go to, but I don't know if I can. I know those of you that read and reply will say GO! but I am so embarrassed at where and what I am right now. It seems like I am 2 people, or rather I have 2 sets of standards. If I had a friend that was thinking of hiding away because she was not where she wanted to be in her life I would tell her to stop, that there is more to her than her weight, she is a great person, and not everyone cares how much she weighs. I would tell her that she will be an asset to the party, she is fun to be around, and really, no one cares how much she does or does not weigh. However...  I can't seem to believe those words when they are applied to myself. I need to decide, I need to RSVP. I need to  see if I have anything to wear, or if I can justify spending some money on something fat to wear. (I always hate spending money on 'fat' cloths, but now more than ever.) I still am not getting any child support from my ex, and I am ashamed to say that  my depression/ perfection has kept me from going out and making a career for myself, so I am living day to day. Another factor is that there will only be 1 person that I know at this party, the hostess, and I really hate the idea of meeting a bunch of new people in this body. I guess maybe if I go with the attitude that I will never see them again anyway, who cares? But I would like to meet new people, but not as the sad and sorry person I am, but as the fit and confident person I was a million years ago and want to be again.
I intend to weigh myself tomorrow. I'll let you know where I'm at.

Thursday, 19 May 2011

I don't know where to start

So... I  haven't been posting, I haven't been exercising, I haven't been eating anything I should. I am right on the cusp of being depressed.
I need, NEED  to find a way to not let my soon to be ex- husband's meanness get to me. I don't want him back. I don't love him. I don't like him. I don't want to speak to him or be around him. I know that my life is better, and most importantly my child's life is better with us living apart, but he still gets to me.
He has been calling me names since we separated. When he is doing it, and right after I just laugh, remove myself from the situation and feel sorry for him that he is so unhappy, and that he is such a child, but within a short period of time I am crying. Not in front of him, but I cry at how hurtful it is. We were together for 23 years and although our life together is over, it hurts me that he hates me so much. Because the personal contact was deteriorating, generally we don't talk, I try to communicate with him via texts, or email, that seems to be less emotionally charged, but lately he has taken to calling and leaving me voice messages and calling me a do###bag.
I know I can't control his actions, and I know that I shouldn't continue to give him this kind of power over me, but it is sooo upsetting to me. When I am upset, I eat. (Not that he forced the food into my mouth when we were together, but I didn't have a good coping mechanism when we were married either and my sadness, and hurt during our marriage caused me to allow my weight to get to 244)
I got so much better, I wasn't thinking about him and what was wrong, I was thinking about what was right. I lost lots of weight, and was really happy. I don't know why this time it is different? I don't know why this new onslaught has me so upset. It makes me mad that he still has this control over me, or rather that I ALLOW him to have this control over me. I just know I am tired of being fat, I am tired of feeling sad, I'm tired of being so tired. Sadness and depression, not to mention not working out, and not eating well is exhausting. I am tired of having this nauseous feeling in my stomach all the time that only eating stuff that isn't good for me seems to temporarily suppress.
I will get back on track. I will get to where I want to be with regard to my health. I will discover a way to stop allowing a person who wishes nothing good for me to have such control over my life...

Monday, 9 May 2011

I'm back....this is a long post, I suggest 2 sittings...

Hi everyone. I'm back. Killer cold is still hanging on, although I am mostly functioning normally, or as normally as I normally function.

On April 12 I weighed 177.5 and I stated that it was time to get serious, I had great intentions, I did really well for the first week but sadly... life got in the way. Tom arrived, then I got sick, I ended up gaining some weight, only 2 lbs, which was better than I thought because I was eating whatever I had the energy to get into my mouth fast.

I have gotten back on track with the food, and I have been working out pretty much on schedule, but honestly I have been feeling like I blew it. I made big proclamations, and then... poof, I wasn't able to follow through. This is the main reason that I haven't posted. Really felt like I dropped the ball... again.

But then when I sat down and looked at the numbers, I realized that I was being too hard on myself, like many of you, I am WAY  too good at that.

My weight today was 171.1. So since April 12, almost a month ago, in spite of being sick and not working out for a few weeks, I still lost 6.4 lbs. Although that isn't the goal I set for myself, and yes, I probably could have done better, really, I should be happy with that! I could really, really easily have been up considering the circumstances, and my history.

So this has made me think about how I am so hard on myself. My close friends have told me for years and years, that I'm way harder on myself that I EVER would be on anyone else. Even though I know and see that the number on the scale is going down, (and up) and down again, why do I feel like I'm not getting anywhere? Yes it would have been really, really nice to have lost 10- 12 lbs in the last month, but like I said, life got in the way. Stuff happens. Why can't I celebrate the fact that the bottom line and my bottom is 6.4 lbs lighter than last month? Although I am hoping it happens way, way faster than this, but if I lose 6 lbs a month, I will be at my goal by autumn. This autumn! Time for me to not only work on losing weight, but work on being kinder to myself. Rather than brush off, downplay or outright diss who I am and what my accomplishments are, it is time to start to be kinder to myself.

How will I do this? Good question, I am open to suggestions. But to start I am going to think of a few phrases that I will say to myself whenever the most common negative things come into my head. Over the next little while I am going to work on identifying what they are, but for now the things that I say most are that I'm fat, unlovable, broke, unemployable, lazy, disorganized, messy, and dumb.

Here's what I'm thinking for these so far;

Fat- I have lost over 70 lbs, I am pretty fit and I am heading in the right direction.

Unlovable- there are lots of people who love me, and tell me I am a great person, and they feel there will be love out there for me some day when I'm ready. Just because there were issues with my ex it does not mean that I am
unlovable. O.k. I agree this might be too long to say each time, so maybe "This isn't true, I am loved."

Broke- well this one is a fact, but maybe what I need to do is ask myself what can I do today, this week, to change that, and act on whatever small thing that is.

Unemployable- I know I am employable, I have been an excellent employee, I have owned my own business. I could do it. The fact is not that I am unemployable, but that I am not qualified to be doing that things that I would like, and making the kind of money that I feel I should be at this point in my life. I want a career that fills all my wish list. I will say, "I know I am a great employee, and there are tons of people who would be happy to have me."

Lazy- I act in a lazy way too much of the time, but that doesn't mean I am a lazy person. I will tell myself that I am not lazy, and to prove it, I will tell myself to get moving and do something.

Disorganized- I'm currently living a fairly disorganized life. I can change this, one piece of paper at a time. I will tell myself to spend 5 mins on paperwork right then.

Messy - Again, right now, my house, yard, and garage is a mess. I hate it. I will change it one thing at a time. A big issue for me, as with alot of people is that it seems overwhelming. I need to approach it just like weight loss, 1 little thing at a time. I will tell myself, that I am not a messy person. I can change it if I stop being overwhelmed and just get moving. One small step for mankind, 1 giant step towards a clean house...

Dumb - this one is just pure lack of self-esteem. I know that I am an intelligent person, (although my spelling has always sucked, thank you spell check!) I know that my IQ is really quite respectable, I know that I know a lot about a lot. But still, there it is. Just telling myself "no you're not" doesn't seem like enough...lol.

So even though I didn't make the last goal I so boldly stated... here I go again. June 6, 4 weeks from today, I want to be 10 lbs lighter than today. 2.5 lbs per week, I should be able to do this... well that's the theory anyway...lol. I will however accept, and be proud of whatever weight loss I manage to pull of in that time.

Wednesday, 27 April 2011

Dare I say it... I think I'm starting to feel better?

Well, I'm not as sick as I was. I still feel quite far under the weather, but I am on the upswing. Yeah!
I haven't weighed myself, I think I will do that tomorrow. I know it isn't going to be good news, but sometimes life gets in the way, and hopefully it will not be too big of a setback. I haven't done any exercise either. I think I will do something tomorrow. At least walk the dog, she will be glad about that, she hasn't been too impressed with no walks, but thankfully we have a big yard so she has been getting her exercise chasing birds. I would like to actually get some real exercise, but I don't want to push my luck, I'll play it by ear.

Monday, 25 April 2011

uggg still sick

Yes I am still feeling crappy. I don't have the energy to exercise, I am not eating well, and I have not been weighing myself. I can only imagine what the scale will bring when I do get back on. But what will be will be....
Hopefully I will get back on track soon.

Saturday, 23 April 2011

sick

Well the sore throat that I got last Sunday, and fought all week, turned to a full blown cold on Thursday. I have been doing a bit of exercise, but I just don't have the energy to do much. I haven't been weighing myself either, I haven't been careful with what I'm eating, I eat what I have the energy to make, or what I can get in quick.
Yesterday even though I felt really crappy, I helped my parents move out of the house they have lived in since 1969. They needed the help, and that was moving day, so you just have to go...I worked for 10 hours, and that was very, very hard.
Hopefully I will feel better soon, so I have energy to work out, and get back on track. I know I have gained weight, but I'm not stressed about it, I feel to crappy to bother.

Tuesday, 19 April 2011

Weight is up and I'm sick...

Sunday evening while driving home I started to feel a little tickle in my throat. By Sunday night my throat was really quite sore, and I was feeling wiped out. Throughout the night my throat got sorer, and by Monday morning I was miserable. I didn’t work out on Monday, I didn’t walk, I did nothing. Even came home and had a nap in the afternoon I was feeling so tired. I have to be feeling pretty darn crappy to nap in the day. I gargled with a salt water mixture several times throughout the day, in hopes of killing whatever bad was going on in my throat. I had about 1450 calories on Monday.
My weight was up to 173.3 today. Obviously I'm not too thrilled about that, but since I never eat salt I am thinking that there is a really good chance I have retained some extra water because of all the salt water gargling I did yesterday. I didn't drink as much water as I should have, hot tea and juice felt better. No exercise has to play a part as well, but hey, I felt really bad. Time will tell.
I have been thinking a lot about the fact that I want to lose fat and not muscle, which happens to a lot of people when we are losing weight and we don’t even know it. Sweet Pea gave me a link, thanks Sweet Pea, and from that link I found this one.
This article makes sense to me, and now I'm researching the best way to burn fat while working out. I have been reading about circuit training, although it is called a number of things, the premise is that you gradually increase and decrease the intensity during your workout to reach your target fat burning heart rate, then drop it down again, then back up several times during a workout. The common school of thought is that our heart rate has to be within that 'fat burning zone.' If it's too low we aren't going to lose weight,  or if it's too high the weight we lose will be muscle tissue .
It seems the first step is to find our resting heart rate. I have seen the recommendation in a number of places to take your heart rate in the morning when you first wake up, before you get up. It is suggested we do this for anywhere from a few days to a few weeks to get an accurate measurement. I’m going to put a paper and pencil beside my bed to start to track my resting heart rate tomorrow. Hopefully I’ll remember to do it before I sit up.

Monday, 18 April 2011

Really boring post... I would just pass on this one.. really.

I was in bed on time Friday, didn’t have the lights out until about 12 though, I wasn’t worried, I knew I could sleep in a little Saturday. I didn’t drink quite enough water on Saturday. I went out of town again, so no time for the gym, or a walk. I did about ¾ of an hour of very light arm exercises, and did the stomach and butt flexing I mentioned yesterday while I was driving, and I also did squats while brushing my teeth. Once I got to my friends I worked on hands and knees doing more staining again for about 6 hours.
Saturday’s total calories was 1305. Saturday mornings weight was 172.8.
Yesterday Sweet Pea commented that she thought my goal of 2.7 lbs per week might be high and I might be setting myself up for disappointment. I agree that a weight loss of 2.7 lbs per week likely isn’t realistic, if I want to be losing fat and not muscle. However this is the number that I’m shooting for. This number is what I am going to remind myself of on those occasions, like today, when someone offers me ‘the best chocolate bar ever.' It is my goal, even if I don’t make it I feel optimistic that I can get close to that number, at least for the first few, maybe several weeks, because I’m just starting out seriously again. Also, for me, if I pick a higher number, one the is really just on the cusp of being out of reach, I am less likely to cheat, otherwise I have been known to think I will make my number even if I cheat a little. Of course, time will tell if my plan for the next few weeks works or not.
No weigh in Sunday, I didn’t feel there is any point doing it on a different scale. Because I went out for breakfast on Sunday morning and had a half order of eggs benedict and about a 1/4 cup of deep fried hashbrowns I really can only guess at my daily calories, I think it was about 1200.  I spent a few more hours working on those baseboards and trim and I also did some light arm and stomach exercises as well. My weight this morning was 172.2.
I have decided I want to do some more research on how we can be sure we are losing fat and not muscle when we drop lbs. Does anyone anything about this?

Saturday, 16 April 2011

My computer skills... lol

Apparently I need to work on my computer savvy. When I previewed yesterdays post all those numbers were in a nice little line, then when I posted, they when all ‘haywire’ as my Mom would say. I am writing my posts in Word, then doing the copy/ paste thing, maybe that isn’t the best plan.
Thursday night I got to bed on time. Friday I did well with the water. I got to the gym for 30 min on the rowing machine, then did an upper body weight routine. I also walked for 30 mins. Extra movement consisted of squats while brushing my teeth and alternating between flexing and releasing my stomach muscles and glutes while driving for a count of 100 each.
Friday’s food;
Breakfast;
Toast, marg, peanut butter, milk                                                                                               400
Snack;
Large orange                                                                                                                              100
Lunch;
Other half of the healthy choice steamer with extra rice I had the other day       
(No green beans this time)                                                                                                        210
Snack;
12 whole almonds                                                                                                                       84
Dinner;
Pizza, 1 glass of 1% milk                                                                                                            605
                                                                                                                      Total                   1399         
Today’s weight was 172.8. Another baby step in the right direction, baby steps are good.
Another goal that I thought of, although it isn’t a tangible one, is this July I would like to attend a weekend car race event near my home. I would really like to go feeling good, or even great about how I look. I know this is a hard goal to nail down for me, because one day I will think I look pretty good, and then the next day, (heck, sometimes the next hour) I don’t feel at all good about how I think I look. So I guess maybe I need to tweak this goal somehow. Maybe I need to say I want to be able to be there not beating myself up because I have wasted time and if I had worked harder I would be closer to my goal. I’ll give this more thought. Does your mind play tricks on you too about how you look? Have you found a way to be more objective?

Friday, 15 April 2011

Apparently physical labour counts...

As I mentioned I went out of town on Wednesday, so the day was all messed up. I didn’t go to the gym, or do any of the exercises that I said I would do. What I did instead was stain, then rub off said stain on baseboards, chair rails, and door trim for 10 hours. Most of this work was done on hands and knees, I was really tired at the end of the day, and Thursday I could feel that my arms had been busy.
I drank the water I was supposed to, but the eating was bad. Daily total was only about 1000 calories. We were too busy and focused to eat, then when we finished at midnight (nope didn’t make it to bed by 11 either...lol) all I wanted to do was shower and go to bed.
Thursday I came home. But later in the day, so no walk, no gym.
Food for Thursday:
Tim Hortons breakfast sandwich.              `                                                                               430
250 ml 2% milk                                                                                                                           110
Snack;
Large pear apple                                                                                                                        100
Dinner;
¼ C mashed potatoes, really no idea on these...                                                                      200
½ C steamed kernel corn                                                                                                             80
Barber broccoli stuffed chicken breast                                                                                      230
1 glass 1% milk                                                                                                                           110
                                                                                                                                Total          1260
Weight this morning was 173.3. So that means I met my weight loss goal for this week early. Woo hoo! So I will just reset it and say I want to lose 3 lbs in the next week. Bedtime, water, walking, gym, extra activity, and tracking calorie goals are the same.
I need to work on some mid and long term goals but I’m having some trouble with this. I would like to think of some non-scale goals, but for now, I’m thinking of one related to weight. In 5 weeks it is the May long weekend and I would really like to be in the 150’s, 159.9 would do. I know this is a pretty high goal. In order for me to reach it, I would have to consistently lose 2.7 lbs per week, but I want to live my life as I lose the weight. What so you think? Is this realistic? Do you think it's too high?


Thursday, 14 April 2011

1 day late

I went out of town on Wednesday, so I was going to post this on Wednesday and didn't. Better late than never?
I’m not sure what format my blog is going to take now that I’ve decided to get serious about getting fit. I don’t know if I am going to post my food, activities, and weight daily or if that will be; a) too time consuming, and b) too boring. I guess we’ll all see how it goes. I know for sure I’m not going to write in the water or tea. Just know that I’m drinking both throughout the day.
Food for Tuesday:
Breakfast;
1 piece of toast, Becel margarine, peanut butter. 1 glass of 1% milk.                         400
Snack;
Small orange.                                                                                                                   50
Lunch;
I piece leftover pizza.                                                                                                      330
Snack;
Large orange                                                                                                                    100
Dinner;
½ Healthy choice gourmet steamer with ½ C added rice, ½ C  green beans                  225
1 glass of milk                                                                                                                  110
                                                                                                              Total                  1215
Activity for Tuesday;                                                                                                 
Upper body weights
30 min walk
Weight for Wednesday the 13th was 175.9. I feel like I did fairly well with the food and water Tuesday. Sweet Pea you asked about how much water I plan to drink, and what calorie number I am shooting for. I should have been clearer. I’m shooting for a glass of water an hour for about 11 hours. Hopefully I’ll be finished by no later than about 7 or 8 p.m. For a total of about 88 ozs.  I’m going to be shooting for about 1500 calories. I know this could be higher according to this website and others. http://www.freedieting.com/tools/calorie_calculator.htm I admit I was hungry last night at about 10, but felt it was too late to eat, I think going to bed a bit hungry is not a bad thing anyway. I decided to go to bed and read for awhile to get me away from the kitchen.

Tuesday, 12 April 2011

Time to get serious.

So from the time I stepped on the scale in July of 2010 and was shocked to see that I was back over 200 lbs, until the end of Oct of that year I had only gotten to  197.8 lbs. Obviously I needed to stop pretending I wanted to lose weight and actually get to it.
By the end of November I was down a little more. I weighted 186.1 lbs. This was a loss of 11.7 lbs in about a month. I was happy with that.
The end of December my weight was 182.5 lbs. Not great, but a loss none the less, and a loss over the Christmas season.
At the end of January, 2011, I was down to 179.7 lbs. A full 2.8 lbs!!! The end of February I was 177.3 lbs. Another 2.4 lbs. down. The middle of March... 178.1, a gain of .8 of a lbs... That was almost 5 months and overall I lost 19.7 lbs. Woooo hoooo!!  (There really should be a font that lets you know that the comment is dripping with sarcasm.)
Now I know than on one hand this shouldn't be downplayed too much. It was 20 lbs (almost) after all. It could have been less, or hell, it could have been a gain in that time. I need to acknowledge that cloths that were not fitting 20 lbs ago I can now get on, and cloths that were too tight are comfortable now. But I certainly wasn’t losing the weight as fast as I wanted or as I could. So it is time to get more proactive, time to stop playing around with getting fit, time to set some short term and long term goals and time to get serious.
So this morning I weighted 177.5.  I would like to get to 139. Why 139? Well that would be a loss of 105 lbs. “I lost over a 100 lbs,” sounds good, and because 139 gets me into the "30's". Once I get there my plan is to stay there for awhile and see how it looks and feels. I’ll decide if that is where I want to stay, or if I want to lose more at that time. But that is a little ways away yet.  
When I lost 90 lbs the first time, I never weighed myself for almost the first year. I just kept on doing what I knew I needed to do, and the weight came off. My body got healthier and smaller, that's what counted. I would push on. But I now feel like I play too many mind games with myself so I have decided to weight myself everyday.
My short term goals for this week are:
-Get to bed on time, lights out by 11p.m.
-Drink water. Not sure of the amount I am going to shoot for yet, but I am thinking a glass an hour.
-Walk at least 30 minutes every day.
-Get to the gym for 30 mins of cardio plus weight training 4 days this week.
-Sneak in as much extra activity as I can.
-Keep track of what I eat, track my calories.
-Lose 3.0 lbs. Not what I will shoot for every week, but generally the first week produces good results.
I will add my mid and long term goals soon. Thanks for reading. I look forward to getting serious about kicking this weight to the curb, being fit, and feeling hot!! For you younger readers, yes... a 48 yo woman can feel hot! Lol.

Friday, 8 April 2011

Why I'm Living in the Past

I know that the things I have been writing about happened over 3 years ago. I just want to clear up why I am “Living in the past.”  It is an effort on my part to better understand not only the impact these events had on me, but why I reacted to them the way I did.  I’m hoping that by going back and looking at that time in my life, I can learn from it, and leave it behind.
I am not going to evaluate why my husband cheated, or all that was wrong with our marriage, I have done enough of that. The part I need to analyze is why after losing 90 lbs over the course of several years, staying at 90 lbs down for the better part of a year, and feeling really great about what I had done I started to gain weight back.
At first the weight gain was slow, the first 4 months I was only up 10 lbs. Only? you might say, but that was honestly pretty good. Eating had always been my method of coping with any emotion, so the fact that I was dealing with every emotion imaginable and I managed to have some semblance of control was pretty good actually. The problem was that I didn’t nip it in the bud. I didn’t stop it at 10, or even 20. Over the course of the next 29 months, as the ugliness and stress of a separation increased, I gained 50 lbs back. Writing that makes me so sad. I had gained back over half the weight I had lost.
I saw myself getting bigger, my cloths weren’t fitting, I felt crappy, but I felt like I was powerless to stop.  The eating just continued and continued. When I look back I know that part of me thought “I lost all this weight, I looked hot, and he still didn’t love me, he still cheated.” I felt like I was indeed unlovable. It should have been no surprise that those 50 lbs came back. I wasn’t weighing myself, so I could stay in denial, but one day in July of 2010, for whatever reason, I did get on a scale. I was 204. I was shocked, I cried and cried. Back over 200 and a gain of exactly 50 lbs. I was so sad and so mad. But the bottom line, in my mind, was that the weight gain just confirmed that I was a loser.
Seeing that I was back over 200 lbs did shock me enough to make me decide that I needed to get control of my life again. All the reasons I had for wanting to get fit in the first place were still real. I wanted to be healthy. I wanted to live a long time for my child. I wanted to be able to be active with her. I wanted to feel good about how I looked and felt.
So I started to really think about what I had actually done when I lost weight the first time. I decided that I would mimic those behaviours again. They had worked once for me, they would work again.
I have thought a lot about what the key components were, and if you have read this blog you know that I really felt like it was pretty simple. Drink lots of water. Get to bed on time so I could get up in the morning to workout for 20 mins. Walk the dog every day. Try to be active whenever the opportunity arose throughout the day. Really evaluate everything I was eating. Be aware of my portion sizes.
I knew what I needed to do, and I knew how to do it, but it took me awhile to get back on track. By Oct 30, ’10 I had only gotten to 197.8. A loss, yes, I left 200 behind, woo hoo! But please...6 lbs in 3 1/3 months. I’m all for taking it off slowly, and not feeling deprived, but maybe I was taking that not feeling deprived theory a bit too far!

Wednesday, 6 April 2011

Another turning point

My husband was having an affair again. After I found out who she was I realised that my husband had introduced our child to this woman on several occasions. He had even brought this woman to our house to give her guitar lessons when our child was here a few times. In November of 2007 my husband told me that she had gotten 4 free tickets to a production of “A Christmas Carol.” She invited my husband, and our child to go with her and her child. At the time I didn’t know they were having an affair, so it didn’t bother me that they were all going together. I was just glad that my child could have a chance to see the professional production. Also in November of that year I met her at a Christmas function for my husband’s work. He suggested that we sit at her table because she had some empty seats. She was there with her child, and her sister and 2 nephews.  I had that little voice in my head that made me  suspected that he was having an affair with her, but I didn’t have any proof, and because I wasn’t ready to do anything about it I didn’t search for the truth too hard.  When I met her that day at that Christmas function, she said a few things to me that a casual friend wouldn’t have known. So I became more suspicious. I later found out that he had brought her to our home and they had sex here on at least a few occasions.  When I knew for sure, obviously I was so upset and so humiliated....again.
I was torn. I didn’t want to end my marriage. I had been with this man for 23 years. We had loved each other once. We had gotten through his affairs before, I had moved on, or so I thought. Mostly though, I didn’t want my child to be from a broken home, but I came to realise that we were living in a broken home. I realised I didn’t want the dysfunctional relationship that my husband and I had to be what she grew up and aspired to. I finally understood that my husband would never stop cheating and he was now making really risky decisions with regard to having our child around his other women. I knew that one day our child would find out and it would destroy her relationship with her dad. It would also likely mess her up with regard to her future relationships with men. I wanted her to have a good relationship with her dad. I have a great relationship with my Dad, and I acknowledged that even though my husband is a sh%&&y husband, he is a good dad. He loves his child very much, and I wanted her to have that kind of support in her corner throughout her life. Strangely enough, although he had caught an STD early in our relationship that I luckily never got, it never occurred to me that he could catch something more serious and give it to me. Denial... it isn’t just a river in Egypt... Once I woke up to this, we stopped having sex.
I had been a stay at home Mom, out of the work force for 8 years.  I was scared. What could I do to support us? I was 45 years old, I didn’t have a degree. I was trying to figure out what I would do, maybe get a job and put some money away so that I would be more able to support us. I was also trying to get the courage and a plan to end it. Things didn’t go as planned, and now looking back I know it’s a good thing. I would have planned and planned and never moved forward. So when one day in Feb of ’08 my husband asked me why I had been acting so bitchy. (Well honestly, he said something else, much meaner and cruder, but it is not worth repeating here.) I told him I didn’t want to talk about it right then, I didn’t feel ready, and I had to go and get our child from school in about 1 hour. He kept pushing. I finally told him that the reason I was acting the way I was, was because he was screwing around again and I was done. I wanted the marriage to be over. He was shocked that I knew, and he of course denied it. I hadn’t planned on telling him I knew about the affair yet, or that I wanted to end the marriage. I wanted to have a plan and I didn't.

Sunday, 3 April 2011

Rewind and Fast Forward

As I mentioned in February of 2005 my brother in law was killed suddenly in a car accident. It was shocking, horrible and reminded me how fragile and fickle life is. That event along with others made me decide that I needed to change my life.
I worked at getting fit everyday by really evaluating everything I was eating, doing 20 minutes of Pilate's at least 5 days a week, and getting enough sleep. I wasn’t monitoring my weight. I actually didn’t weight myself at all, but my clothes were no longer fitting, and within several months I went from size 3X to 2X to 1X, then XL. I was feeling really good about myself, maybe for the first time in my life.  I could see my body change, I could do things that I couldn’t do for years. I have to say that I was happy. I felt like maybe my relationship with my husband was changing too.
WARNING: Adult material to follow, you might want to skip to the next paragraph if you don’t want to have TMI about my relationship with my husband. My husband and I were always quite sexual. Even when I was at my largest, we were still physically intimate at least a few times a week. This is something that most of my friends don’t understand, but even when we didn’t really like each other much, we were coming together to have sex. Well once I started to feel better about myself, the times we were physically intimate increased. I have to admit I hoped that once I lost weight our relationship would improve, and the cheating would stop, but because our relationship was so damaged, and we never had good communication the relationship didn’t improve.
In August of 2005 my Mother in law was diagnosed with cancer. This, of course, was another horrible blow to the family. We all felt sure that she would beat it, and she was very positive. In Sept my husband, myself and our child went out to see her before she started her treatments. I felt good about how I looked, I was significantly smaller than I was when I was there in Feb. Lots of people commented and that was satisfying.
I am so sad to say that my Mother in law died in December of 2005. She was a woman with a good heart; she loved all her children so much and was very good at showing it. From the first time she met me she was kind and welcoming. She talked to everyone she met, (she did love to talk...lol) and made everyone feel like she had known them for years. She was a really good woman. Even though when she died I had been  with her son for 20 years, because she lived so far away, I am sorry to say that I didn’t know her as well as I would have liked. I know that she went through so much in her life, and with the exception of when her son, (my brother in law) died, which would be too much for all mothers to bear, she always managed to stay positive and happy.  I admired that so much. Of course I still think of her often and miss her.
Her passing away 4 months after being diagnosed was such a shocking thing, and so sad. It helped to fuel my desire to be healthy though. She was fairly young and I had my child much later in life than she had her children, so I knew I had to do all that was within my control to stay healthy and be around as long as possible for my child.
In the early summer of 2006 we got a dog. I was walking her every day for at least 30 mins. Quite often I would actually walk her 2 times a day. I believe that walking is the magic bullet. Once I added walking to the other things I was doing the weight came off faster. Everything got more toned. Being outside was my good for my mental health, and even though there were and still are days I don’t feel like going, it is so very important to my overall fitness, not to mention my dogs.
By the late summer of 2007 I had lost 90 lbs. I weighed 154 lbs and I felt and looked so good!! I was wearing a size 10 and M for most cloths. I felt sexy, and pretty, and fit, and proud! I was wearing short skirts and jeans again, and my legs and butt were toned. My arms had definition, my stomach was flat. I was within 10 lbs of what I had decided would be my goal. Within 10 lbs of hitting the 100 lbs lost mark.
I had done it by doing Pilate's most days, walking every day, and watching and really evaluating what I was eating. Yes it had taken a few years, but I didn’t care. I felt like it was the best way to lose the weight for long term success and I was so happy with my accomplishment.
I stayed right around 154, up a few lbs, then back down a few, for 7 months. I felt like I had this. I was in control. I knew that I was never going to have a weight problem ever again. Maybe I was too confident, I don’t know, but life threw me a loop.

Saturday, 2 April 2011

Self Image

I have come to realise that my self image has been messed up probably all my life. O.k. maybe not all my life, but definitely since I was about 13. So what is that...almost 34 years?!
I remember like it was yesterday a well meaning Aunt telling me that I would need to watch my weight, because all the women in our family were heavy. She said that I didn’t need to worry too much yet, but I needed to be careful. I think I was 13 at the time. I remember thinking for the first time on that day about how I looked. Was I already fat? Is that why she was telling me this? Was it my destiny to be fat? (incidentally I wasn't fat, not at all, I was a healthy, very active fit kid.)
My Mom had been dieting all my life. I remember her constantly making comments about her weight, about what she could and couldn’t eat, and just generally about how she wasn’t pleased with her body. When my Mom and her sisters would get together, weight, weight loss and food were common topics of  conversation. How they were all too heavy, what they could do about it, and what they had done recently and what type of success they had. Let me just say that as I was growing up I always saw my Mom as overweight. I didn’t think she was fat, and I didn’t think that she was unhealthy, but because she always talked about it, I believed it. It wasn’t until years later when I was looking back at pictures of her that I was shocked to see in black and white, and color what size she actually was. When I was a young girl she actually wasn’t fat at all, but very ‘normal’ and she looked great! Like so many of us, her thinking became a self fulfilling prophesy, and she did get to be really overweight as the years went on. Because she had an unrealistic body image, I think I got one for myself as well. Let me be clear that I am not blaming my Mom for the ideas that she passed on to me. She was, and is, a great Mom and she was doing what she knew.
When I look back at pictures of myself from different stages of my life I see that there were really very few times in my life where the actual image in the photograph matched how I thought I looked. There were lots of times when I thought I was much bigger than I actually was. But, interestingly, there were also times when I thought I was smaller than the pictures showed I was.
So how do I get the image in my head to match what is reflected in the picture? Maybe what I need to do is actually take more pictures of myself, or maybe what I need to do is to say to hell with the pictures and think about how well I have been living? What my overall health is? How I feel? And how happy I am? Obviously I am constantly aware of the things I say and do and how they could be effecting my child. I am going to break the cycle of poor self image passed from one generation to the next.
Does your mental image match the image that is reflected in pictures? How do you feel about the difference, if there is one. Also, are you sending messages to your kids with your comments and actions without really thinking about the fact that it may not serve them well now and in the future?

Saturday, 26 March 2011

Portion size

When I first decided to adopt a healthy lifestyle in order to be able to walk up those stairs without huffing at the top and be able to play with my child rather than sit on the sidelines I knew from past experience, (failure) that I needed to be able to eat real food otherwise I would soon feel deprived and then go crazy and undo whatever progress I had made and gain the weight back in a hurry.
So one of the things that I decided to do was to watch the amount of food I was eating. My thinking was that if I was careful with serving sizes I would of course be eating much less than I had been and I would of course lose weight.
I knew that our meals needed to contine to be balanced, I was feeding my child and husband as well after all. So that meant carbs, protein, and veggies for lunch and dinner every day. I adopted the idea that a serving of carbs was the size of my fist, a serving of protein of the size of my palm and a serving of veggies was twice the size of my fist. I always loved milk, and would continue to drink it because I love it, but also to set a good example for my child and so that I would be less likely to be breaking a hip when I got  old...er. So one glass of milk at every meal was in order. I had been drinking skim milk for years and continued on with that.
I was doing o.k. with these guidelines for portion sizes. I was eating 3 meals a day, and 1 or 2 snacks, usually a piece of fruit, depending on my level of hunger. For breakfast it was a glass of milk, 1 piece of toast with the proper amount of margarine and peanut butter rather than 2 pieces of toast and double, or more, the proper amount of margarine and peanut butter like I was having before. Lunch was portion controlled as well, sometimes leftovers, sometimes whatever my young child wanted for lunch.  At dinner rather than bringing the food to the table in serving dishes, I started to dish up our food at the kitchen counter. Not having that extra food right in front of me, within arm’s reach made sticking to my portions easier. I have to admit that the proper amount of food looked like such a little bit on my plate though. It took some time to get used to sitting down to a half empty plate and thinking that was enough food.  I knew that if I was really hungry in an hour or 2 I could have a healthy snack though, so that made not dishing up that extra bit easier.
I made an interesting discovery at around this time. I was at my parents’ house and Mom was getting rid of a bunch of old stuff from the basement. She had some old dinner plates that we used when I was a kid. They were so small! I was really surprised. It got me thinking... are these huge plates that we use now another contributing factor in the overweight problem that seems to run rampant in our culture? I know the proper amount of food that I was dishing up and eating sure looked skimpy on my plates at home and I realised it made me feel a little deprived to be eating what I perceived as so little food. Because I know that a huge part of weight loss and weight management is mental, I decided to get a few lunch size plates that went with our set. I stopped using the 10”dinner plates and started to use 9” lunch ones. What a difference! I was having the same proper portions, but the feeling that I was somehow being deprived was gone. My plate was closer to full instead of half empty. What a difference that 1” made, (insert your own racy joke here...lol)
I’ll never know  for sure the effect the smaller plates had, I know the portion size was the real secret, but maybe if I would have continued to feel deprived only because of the visual I wouldn’t have stuck with it like I did. How much of feeling satisfied with your food intake is mental for you? Does the appearance on your plate make a difference to you?


Wednesday, 23 March 2011

Sleeping

As I mentioned, once I decided to make some changes, they were pretty easy to stick to. Of course I had had a number of years to get to the place where I was ready, but the fact that I made rather small changes and didn’t put any specific weight or time demands on myself I think helped me to stick with it. I wasn’t trying to lose weight; I was trying to get healthy. I wanted to go up those stairs and so much more, effortlessly.
It wasn’t long before getting up in the morning was getting easier. Forcing myself to get to bed on time was of course a huge help. I found before too long that I was no longer experiencing those major drag times throughout the day. For me it was about 2:30 p.m. and around 7:00 p.m. If you have, or have ever had small kids you may know it as ‘hell hour.’  Getting up and getting that 20 min of exercise was giving me more energy!
If I am to be completely honest here, and that is certainly my goal, I would have to admit that getting into bed at that time had another purpose as well. Things were not getting any better in my relationship with my husband, actually they were getting worse. He would usually arrive home around 11:15 p.m. If I was in bed with lights out by 11:00 I would likely be sleeping when he got home and I could avoid him. Makes me sad to type it now, but it is the truth.
Recently while looking back and trying to evaluate what I did that made my weight loss go so well I found a number of articles talking about the effects that lack of sleep has on healthy weight. Here is one of them:
Want to look at a few more?  I just googled “SLEEP AND WEIGHT LOSS” and there were 31 million results.
Another huge benefit of going to bed earlier was that I was avoiding some of the most dangerous snack time for me. In the evening I was eating because I was bored and lonely, sleeping fixed that because luckily I am not a sleep eater!
Getting enough sleep is also important for our skin to look good, and really, I don’t care how old you are, you  want your skin to look good! There is also evidence that the proper amount of sleep helps our hair to be strong, shiny, and stay in our heads. Nail strength is improved. They don’t call it beauty sleep for nothing...
But there is more, so much more. Our ability to regulate our moods increases. Our immune system is strengthened, not only for little stuff like the common cold, but for the big stuff too. Aside from what is going on inside our bodies there is lots of evidence that safety is a factor wherever loss of sleep exists. Sleep deprivation has been related to an increase in industrial accidents, poor academic performance, delays in recovery from hospitalization, and misdiagnoses errors in health care settings. For example, one study found that attending physicians were slower in performing intubations and had slower general reaction times when they were sleep deprived. (Don’t get me started on what I think about the current system of having interns’ working days without sleep...)
I know, as you do, that sleeping more alone isn’t going to get the weight off us, but for me, I really believe that it was a very important part of the big picture. I thought the only benefit of getting to bed earlier was being able to get up to get that work out done, but I now know that bit of extra sleep, on a regular basis did so much more than that for me.
I know there are sleeping apparatus issues, among other things, for some of you, but I wonder, how much do you sleep? Would you like to get more?  Why don’t you?

Monday, 21 March 2011

244 LBS!!!

Before I got started I went to the doctor, it was past time for my physical anyway. I didn’t own a scale so I didn’t know how much I weighed. I stepped on the scale.  I weighed 244 lbs. 20 lbs more than when I gave birth to my child!!!!! And I was huge then! I cried in my car after I left the office. I was shocked! I knew I was fat, I knew I had gained weight in the last several years, but omg, it seemed impossible that I could weigh that much. That number was so overwhelming and embarrassing that it just increased my resolve to change my life. So I started...
As I mentioned in an earlier post, (sorry things aren’t totally in chronological order) at first I had a hard time finding the time to do the Pilates. I finally decided that the only consistent time I had was going to be time I created. I started getting to bed and having the light out by 11 every night. This allowed me to set the alarm to go off at 6:30 every morning to do the Pilates. I should say that I have always been a night person. I like to stay up late, and I hate getting up early in the morning, I love sleeping in as late as possible, always have.  I knew that I wanted to do this and with a young child and a husband that worked all the time I would need to get creative if I wanted to make it happen. Besides, really what was I doing while I was staying up late that was more important that taking steps to get healthy? I would spend about 15 mins convincing myself to get up. Then I would get up, go to the bathroom, get my bottle of water, which was already in the bathroom waiting for me,  put on my t-shirt, roll out my towel beside my bed and get to the Pilates. The 20 min work out was HARD!! As I mentioned there were many moves that I couldn’t do at all and there weren't any of them that I could do the number that the DVD wanted me to. I was sweating and puffing, and I liked it. I did this pretty much 5 days a week. The weekends I may or may not get it done, but I definitely wasn’t getting up early to do it. If I made time in the day, good, if not, I was o.k. with that.
I was trying to generally be more active. I would do some arm exercises in the evening while I was watching t.v. or when I was on the computer.  I would also try to play more physically with my child when the opportunity presented itself.
As far as following a “diet” goes, I wasn’t. I was watching what I ate. I was trying to be more realistic with my portions and really evaluating everything I was eating. I dished out what I thought was a reasonable about of food for each meal onto my plate at the beginning and that was what I ate. My goal was to eat until I was no longer hungry, not until I was full. I wouldn’t always finish my plate but even when I did, I rarely wanted more. I decided in my mind that that was my portion and that was it. If I really, really loved whatever I had just eaten, I reminded myself I could have it for lunch tomorrow, or again in a few days. This was not the last time in my life I would be eating whatever it was that I loved soooo much. I didn’t need to eat as if it was.
Because I have never been a big fan of cooking, and really am not that creative at it, I wasn’t going to be making 2 sets of meals. A “diet” one for me and another for my husband and child. Not only did I want to set the example for my child that healthy weight was achieved by eating in moderation, not by depriving yourself, but I also knew that if I was depriving myself I would rebel and say to hell with it, this is too hard and give up. I wanted to figure out how to do this in a way that I could live with for the rest of my life. So I was eating all kinds of things. Because the worst part of cooking for me was deciding what to cook I had always asked for suggestions. A few days a week it would be husbands turn to choose what he wanted and a few days a week would be my child’s. I didn’t stop this so we were eating everything that had always been eating. 
I had always made sure there was at least one vegetable with every meal. Usually a Cesar salad, but sometimes we would have another vegetable as well. I got into the habit of having a cup of tea with milk, no sugar, while I preparing dinner, I glass of water before dinner and of course a glass of skim milk with dinner. The tea and water helped me to feel full and not overeat.

No idea why some of this post is spaced differently than the rest... sigh...Here's hoping you all can still read it...lol.

Wednesday, 16 March 2011

I start my journey

I mentioned earlier that one day I was walking up the stairs after my child and I was out of breath when I got to the top and I decided then and there that it was time for me to do something.  This was a major influence on me, and I decided to do something, but it took me a few months, and another terrible event to get me into gear. My husband’s brother was killed suddenly in a car accident. He was my age, and he was here one minute and gone the next, literally. That got me thinking about how fragile life is, and how I shouldn’t be taking it for granted, but most of all it got me thinking of how embarrassing it would be to die looking the way I did.... Sick? Probably. Vain? Definitely. Terrifying ? Absolutely!
While traveling to another province to attend the funeral I had a hard time fitting in the airplane seat. I fit, but the poor person sitting beside me was “enjoying” way more of my “personality” than either of us wanted. I was so embarrassed. I remember trying to will myself to get back into my own seat. I was squishing myself towards the window as hard as I could. About half way through I realized that all I was doing was giving myself a cramp, no matter how hard I tried I was still spilling out of the seat.
I had rented a car on line ahead of time, so things would be faster once I got to the airport. Since I would only need the car for the 2 hour drive from the airport, and then 2 hours back again in a few days, I rented the cheapest and therefore smallest car possible.  Well, this was another uncomfortable ride. At home I drove a van, much bigger seats, way more room....
The day of the funeral was horrible for all the obvious reasons, but also seeing so many people that I hadn’t seen in years was so embarrassing. Seeing the looks of shock on their faces was obvious, and some people didn’t even recognise me! Of course everyone was hugging me!!! Just in case they couldn’t see that I had gained about 110 lbs, (you know if they had gone blind for example,) they now were getting a good feel of all that fat. I was so embarrassed. I spent way too much time that day and the next few days avoiding eye contact, thinking about how I was sitting, (up straight, so the fat doesn’t roll out so much, or better yet standing up,) and monitoring what I was eating, (we all know what people think when they see us fat folks eat, or at least we think we know,) that I’m sure I wasn’t the help that I should have been to my grieving in-laws. To this day I still feel some sadness that I was so self absorbed because of my fat that I don’t feel like I mourned my brother-in-law properly.
When I got home in February of 2005 I decided that I had to make a change in my life. I wanted to do all I could to be a healthy, active Mom for my child, for however long I possibly could. That is when I borrowed the Pilates DVD’S from my friend, began to really evaluate everything I was eating and started with the stickers on the calendar.
In my next post I will give a bit more detail on what I was doing and how it was working. Thanks for reading, and commenting, or not....lol.

Tuesday, 15 March 2011

More background

Again I have to admit that I thought quite long about how to proceed here.
I will continue with my background information by saying the following...
Husband I stayed together for a number of years more. As I said we lived pretty separate lives, he was always working, I was raising our child. I now know that we were both so very unhappy. I think that we both resigned ourselves to the fact that this is what our lives would be, and neither of us would admit, even to ourselves, how unhappy we really were. We had a small child, and we had made a commitment.  Sadly our communication was less than zero, so we were unable to express in a way that the other one could understand what was going on in our heads. My ‘drug’ for comfort and consolation was food, his was infidelity. I have to admit that I played the ‘poor me’ card for a long, long time. Way too long. Yes he could have made different choices if he was unhappy, but so could I.

In 2005 there were a few life altering events that happened in his family that were devastating. Within a span of 10 months 2 close members of his family were dead. It was a wakeup call to me. I weighed 244 lbs.  at the time. One day I followed our young child up the stairs to the second floor of our house and I was huffing and puffing by the time I got to the top. I told myself that day that enough was enough! I decided that day that I would get to the point that I could run up the stairs without being out of breath. My child deserved a Mom that could run and play, not one that would be confined to the sidelines. I had a friend that had recently purchased some Pilates DVD’s. She wasn’t using them; I asked her if I could borrow them. The first time I tried to do the 20 minute workout, I couldn’t do several of the moves, and I was huffing like I was having some kind of an attack. I got through it however. I liked how it felt to sweat, I liked how it felt to be moving again and I liked that I was making steps towards my goal of being able to get up those stairs without being winded.
At first I floundered a bit with finding the time to do the workout. Like all of us, my days were already full, and finding the energy to workout at the end of the day when everything else was done wasn’t working. I decided that if I was going to make this happen I would have to get up in the morning, before my family and do that 20 minute workout then.  That is what I started to do. Every weekday morning I got up a little bit early and did the workout. On the weekends sometimes I would do it and sometimes not. It was empowering. I felt great. I soon noticed that I had more energy even though I was getting a little less sleep.
I wasn’t following any diet, per se, but I was watching my portions. Like all overweight, (o.k. obese people) I had a pretty good idea what I should be eating, I just wasn’t doing what I should. What I did decide to do was watch my portions. I also decided to eat when I was hungry and only to eat until I was no longer hungry. Sounds obvious I know, but there is a significant difference between eating until you are full and eating until you are no longer hungry.
I also stopped the late night snacking out of boredom and loneliness. If I was truly hungry I would have something healthy. Although I have to say that I had the mind flip from thinking that if I went to bed hungry I might die before the morning to the feeling that going to bed a bit hungry was o.k... even good.  In the evenings as I sat in front of the TV or computer I would do arm exercises. At first with no weight at all, keep in mind, I weighed 244 lbs and I was OUT OF SHAPE!! I gradually started to lift 1lbs weight, and then as I got stronger I would increase the weight in small increments.
Because my goal was not to lose weight but to become healthy and fit, I didn’t track my weight loss. What I did track was my lifestyle. Every day I would mark my progress on the calendar. If I worked out in the morning I would put a small sticker on that day. If I felt like I ate well that day, another sticker. If I did anything extra, like the arm exercises in the evening,  another sticker.  I loved looking at the calendar and seeing those stickers!!  I really have no idea how much weight I lost or how quickly. I do know that over the course of a few years I first got rid of those 2X cloths and got into 1X then to XL then OMG to L!!! I was trying to be more active generally, but mostly this loss was all from doing those 20 minutes of Pilate's in the morning, really evaluating everything I was eating and when, and doing those arm exercises in the evening. I was so thrilled and proud of myself. I was actually looking at myself in the mirror. I felt sexy again. I was happy, even if my marriage was as it had always been, I felt like the old me!!

Tuesday, 8 March 2011

More background

So I have toiled over this next post. I have written a few and this it attempt number 3. First one was long and detailed. I decided no one wanted to read all that and I would bore people to death.  I spent some time I wondering why I was concerned about what complete strangers and people I will likely never meet think.
Attempt number 2 didn’t address the continuation of my journey at all. But then I thought that wasn’t right either. After all, I had said I was going to continue, and totally ignoring the past might not be considered healthy either.
So....
Aforementioned guy and I had been dating for about 2 years, and living together for 1. It is about 1986. I find out he screwed around on me. I am devastated. He is sorry, he cries, he weeps, he begs, he promises. I believe.
I decide that anyone can make a mistake. I love him, he loves me. We move on.
I start to think of why it happened in the first place. Of all possible conclusions I decide that I must have somehow been responsible. It must be because I was fat. (I weighed about 135lbs after all!!)
Time goes on, things seem wonderful. We are happy. We are in love . Things are going along just fine. I often wondered if it would happen again. I sometimes wondered if it was happening again. I sometimes was very sure it was happening again, but I had no concrete proof and wrote it off as being insecure and paranoid.  I gradually gained weight.
About 8 years later, (1993) I find out that he was thinking about cheating again. Again I am devastated. Again he is sorry, he cries, he weeps, he begs, he promises.  I believe and I forgive. After all , he didn’t actually go through with it. And really, who could blame him for looking and thinking. By this time I weighed about 200 lbs.
We got through it. I lost about  40 lbs. We were happy. We were moving on.
About  4 years after (1997)that we decide to get married. 1 year later we were married(1998). 15 months after that we have a baby (1999). Because I was back up to about 190lbs again when I got pregnant the Dr recommended I should be really careful as to how much weight I gained. I was very very careful to eat well, and only gained 25 lbs during my pregnancy, which came off very quickly after the baby came. I was being careful about what I ate, but honestly, when I look back I now know the weight came off so easily because of the breastfeeding and the post-partum depression, (but that is another post.) I continued to lose weight, and got down to about 170 over the next few years.
As thrilled as I was to be a new Mom, I was having a hard time. I was in denial about the post-partum. My husband was working more and more. We had decided that I would stay home, so he had the extra pressure of being the sole bread winner, plus things between us seemed to be becoming distant.
When our child was about 2, we decided to go to counselling in an effort to figure out what was going on with each of us and in our marriage. We went for about 6 months. It didn’t help. We were still distant. The tension was increasing, although we never fought, we lived more and more separate lives. I think we both acknowledge to ourselves that we aren't happy, but neither of us is going anywhere.
O.k. that is enough of me for tonight. I have blogs to read after all!! I will post again soon.