Feb 10, 2020
Good morning, I want to get my weight moving in the downward direction again, enough coasting. I'm going to shoot for more movement, more water, more sleep, better food choices. Simple stuff.
This week my goals are;
-Pilates for 10 minutes every day, first thing in the morning
-get in 7000 steps every day, (I currently seem to be averaging about 6000)
-6 glasses of water each day
-the same 8 hours of sleep every night
-and eat well.
I know some of these goals need to increase, but in order to not set myself up for failure, I am shooting for slightly better than I am currently doing.
I hope I can lose 1.5 lbs per week. Obviously more would be wonderful, but I will be happy with 1.5.
Thanks for reading, feel free to comment if you are inclined.
Cheers.
Monday, 10 February 2020
Friday, 31 January 2020
Hi there, here come the excuses...
My planned meeting with friends on Nov 20 was cancelled shortly after my last post, so about Oct 20. That was disappointing, I did gain a little weight, about 5 lbs, and I danced around that for about a month but by the beginning of December I was back down to 194.0. Not what I hoped for, where I should have been, or would have liked to be, but it is what it is. Honestly I could have easily blown it much worse, and I have before, so there is that. I will declare it a victory.
December was a hard month. My Mom got sick, really sick, we were told she wouldn't live more than a few weeks. Thankfully they were wrong and she rallied, but she still isn't doing well. At this point it is an inevitable decline with likely not more than a few more months. But, who knows, they could be wrong again. So needless to say that was a stressful time. I was working full time because of the Christmas season, trying to get to see Mom as much as possible in the hospital as well as trying to decorate and get ready for Christmas at home. I ended up catching a flu that knocked me fully out of commission for about 10 days. I was sick in bed with crazy fever and coughing, for the first week I was sleeping about 16-20 hours a day. My kid would wake me up to feed me from time to time, and change my sheets for me, but I was out. Christmas is usually at my house, I was too sick to prepare and cook food, never mind host it, so my brother and sister-in-law stepped in a few days before and prepared a downsized meal at their house. I wasn't sure I should go, but I masked up, stayed away from people and went for a few hours then went home and back to bed.
Interestingly in spite of all the stress at the beginning of the month I didn't gain any weight, I was proud of myself for that. But maybe even more interesting, in spite of being so sick, and barely eating anything for so long, I only lost about 4 lbs. By December 31, still not feeling 100%, still not back at work, but starting to feel better, I weighted 187.8.
January wasn't good. My Mom is stable, I am back to healthy, but I couldn't seem to get back on track. I was up a few, then down a few, then up, and down. You get the picture. Today, January 31, 2020 I weighted 188.4. So another month with no progress. I do feel like I am ready to get back to being less careless, so I'm sure this month will be better.
I should say that even though I haven't made the progress that I had hoped for, I am proud of myself for not totally giving up and throwing in the towel along the way. My weight is going down, slowly but surely and that is all I can hope for. Well, no, what I could hope for is going down fast and furious, but what would be the point of being unrealistic... again?
One more thing I will mention, that has been really disappointing, is the fact that my skin isn't bouncing back like I assumed it would. Last time I lost weight, (90 lbs, kept it off for years until my marriage ended, custody, lawyers, financial troubles, you get the picture, it all came back except 10 lbs,) my skin bounced back beautifully. I didn't have any sagging, no stretch marks, it was great. This time my skin is not bouncing back. It is wrinkly, crepy, and just basically yuck. Yes I am still feeling better, I have more energy, the lower weight is good for my health, I look better in cloths, and I will continue to reap all these benefits as more weight comes off, but I was hoping and expecting to look good without cloths on too! I can't imagine wearing shorts, or God forbid a bathing suit, looking like this. How will I ever get the confidence to be naked in front of someone? I am holding out hope that my skin will bounce back and it is just taking it's time but I will admit that I am about to take to the internet and see what kind of crazy advice is out there... Wish me luck.
My planned meeting with friends on Nov 20 was cancelled shortly after my last post, so about Oct 20. That was disappointing, I did gain a little weight, about 5 lbs, and I danced around that for about a month but by the beginning of December I was back down to 194.0. Not what I hoped for, where I should have been, or would have liked to be, but it is what it is. Honestly I could have easily blown it much worse, and I have before, so there is that. I will declare it a victory.
December was a hard month. My Mom got sick, really sick, we were told she wouldn't live more than a few weeks. Thankfully they were wrong and she rallied, but she still isn't doing well. At this point it is an inevitable decline with likely not more than a few more months. But, who knows, they could be wrong again. So needless to say that was a stressful time. I was working full time because of the Christmas season, trying to get to see Mom as much as possible in the hospital as well as trying to decorate and get ready for Christmas at home. I ended up catching a flu that knocked me fully out of commission for about 10 days. I was sick in bed with crazy fever and coughing, for the first week I was sleeping about 16-20 hours a day. My kid would wake me up to feed me from time to time, and change my sheets for me, but I was out. Christmas is usually at my house, I was too sick to prepare and cook food, never mind host it, so my brother and sister-in-law stepped in a few days before and prepared a downsized meal at their house. I wasn't sure I should go, but I masked up, stayed away from people and went for a few hours then went home and back to bed.
Interestingly in spite of all the stress at the beginning of the month I didn't gain any weight, I was proud of myself for that. But maybe even more interesting, in spite of being so sick, and barely eating anything for so long, I only lost about 4 lbs. By December 31, still not feeling 100%, still not back at work, but starting to feel better, I weighted 187.8.
January wasn't good. My Mom is stable, I am back to healthy, but I couldn't seem to get back on track. I was up a few, then down a few, then up, and down. You get the picture. Today, January 31, 2020 I weighted 188.4. So another month with no progress. I do feel like I am ready to get back to being less careless, so I'm sure this month will be better.
I should say that even though I haven't made the progress that I had hoped for, I am proud of myself for not totally giving up and throwing in the towel along the way. My weight is going down, slowly but surely and that is all I can hope for. Well, no, what I could hope for is going down fast and furious, but what would be the point of being unrealistic... again?
One more thing I will mention, that has been really disappointing, is the fact that my skin isn't bouncing back like I assumed it would. Last time I lost weight, (90 lbs, kept it off for years until my marriage ended, custody, lawyers, financial troubles, you get the picture, it all came back except 10 lbs,) my skin bounced back beautifully. I didn't have any sagging, no stretch marks, it was great. This time my skin is not bouncing back. It is wrinkly, crepy, and just basically yuck. Yes I am still feeling better, I have more energy, the lower weight is good for my health, I look better in cloths, and I will continue to reap all these benefits as more weight comes off, but I was hoping and expecting to look good without cloths on too! I can't imagine wearing shorts, or God forbid a bathing suit, looking like this. How will I ever get the confidence to be naked in front of someone? I am holding out hope that my skin will bounce back and it is just taking it's time but I will admit that I am about to take to the internet and see what kind of crazy advice is out there... Wish me luck.
Monday, 14 October 2019
Posting everyday is harder than I thought.
I did end up going outside for a 30 minute walk as I said I was going to the other day, on Oct 11th, when I last posted. It was a nice day and I thought I should take advantage of that, with winter approaching. It was lovely, I enjoyed the sunshine, and the movement. It sort of made me feel like my old self.
I have done 20 minutes of Pilates every morning since then, including this morning, but I haven't gotten in the cardio like I had hoped. Today is a day off work, so I plan on doing that at some point today.
I so don't want another goal date to come around, (Nov 20, meeting friends out of town,) and miss my goal. Because of this I need to work hard, but just as importantly I need to set a realistic goal. My weight is the same as it was a few days ago, 194, that's ok, I have had a few days of less than perfect eating, but life happens. Counting today I have 37 days until Nov 20. Just over 5 weeks. If I keep up the weight loss of approx 2.5 lbs per week that has me at about 182. That would be nice, (honestly less would be better, getting into the 170's sounds nice, 179.9?) but maybe I should set my goal at 1.5 lbs per week to keep it real, and prevent disappointment. 186 doesn't sound nearly as good though does it?
Oh well, who knows what my body will decide to do. I will do my best. I will continue to do the Pilates every morning, I will try my best to do some cardio everyday, even 20 minutes is good, I will continue to work as hard and as fast as I can at work, and most importantly, I will continue to be reasonable with what I am eating.
These are the things I need and want to do for the rest of my life, here I go...
I have done 20 minutes of Pilates every morning since then, including this morning, but I haven't gotten in the cardio like I had hoped. Today is a day off work, so I plan on doing that at some point today.
I so don't want another goal date to come around, (Nov 20, meeting friends out of town,) and miss my goal. Because of this I need to work hard, but just as importantly I need to set a realistic goal. My weight is the same as it was a few days ago, 194, that's ok, I have had a few days of less than perfect eating, but life happens. Counting today I have 37 days until Nov 20. Just over 5 weeks. If I keep up the weight loss of approx 2.5 lbs per week that has me at about 182. That would be nice, (honestly less would be better, getting into the 170's sounds nice, 179.9?) but maybe I should set my goal at 1.5 lbs per week to keep it real, and prevent disappointment. 186 doesn't sound nearly as good though does it?
Oh well, who knows what my body will decide to do. I will do my best. I will continue to do the Pilates every morning, I will try my best to do some cardio everyday, even 20 minutes is good, I will continue to work as hard and as fast as I can at work, and most importantly, I will continue to be reasonable with what I am eating.
These are the things I need and want to do for the rest of my life, here I go...
Friday, 11 October 2019
Oct 11, 2019
I can see that there are some people who have read my last post from over 2 years ago, or at least some that have landed on the page. If you are reading, thank you, if you feel like commenting, feel free.
I have decided to start again.
I would like to tell you that I have reached all goals in life, weight, health, career, relationship, etc, but truth is that up until about 4 months ago nothing had changed.
4 months ago I decided to make some big changes. I have been self-employed most of my adult life with only short periods of working for someone else. Although this has paid the bills, and allowed me to make my own schedule, which was paramount when I had a young family, it was a pretty solitary existence. I did hire employees at different times, but primarily I worked alone. As mentioned in my last post, I am a social person and I was lonely. So 4 months ago I decided to get a job working in a retail setting. It is a huge cut in pay, but I am still making enough to pay my bills. The work I did in my own business was hard physical work, and I worked hard, so the hard work of being in this retail setting was not an issue, although there is much more walking, bending, constant lifting and twisting involved. I am a hard worker, so when I am walking somewhere, I am doing it with a sense of urgency. Always walking and working as fast as I can. It is new to me to have my breaks scheduled, so now I am eating on a schedule. Before I would eat when I finished whatever task or job I was working on, sometimes going long periods without eating, then being famished and eating too much. I now have to eat at normal times, at normal intervals.
I decided when I started this job that it was going to be the start of a new chapter in my life and it has. I am much happier being around people. I love chatting with the customers and other staff. I haven't made any actual friendships with anyone yet, (honestly this is not my goal, I have a circle of close friends that I love and I don't feel like I spend as much time with or talking to them as I would like,) but I am friendly with everyone, and they are the same with me. I am definitely smiling and laughing more though out the day than I did when I was spending my days working alone, that is so good for my mental health!
The combination of being forced to be more aware of what I am eating and when I am eating it, being constantly on the move, and working on a more set schedule, which forces me to implement a healthier and consistent sleeping schedule have all been great! As a result of all this, I have lost 40 lbs in the last 4 months.
Obviously I am delighted about this! I am enjoying all the benefits one would expect as a result of this. The cloths I was wearing when I started there simply don't fit anymore. I have more overall energy, and stamina, I feel better about myself, etc.
But... yes, there is a but. I still have a long way to go. I still weigh 194 lbs. I would like to lose somewhere between 40 - 50 more lbs. (I am 5'6" tall.) I haven't lost hope, and I haven't even stalled, or reached my first plateau yet at this point, but I feel like I need an extra boost to keep things going as well as they have been going. That is why I am back here. I feel I can use this as a way to keep myself accountable, if only to me, and a way to track my ongoing progress.
I want to start doing 20 minutes of Pilates every morning when I first get up. As the weight continues to come off, I want there to be lean muscles under the flat. I also want to do some cardio everyday, maybe 30- 60 minutes of hard walking on the treadmill, or riding the stationary bike, or rower. I have all these things in my basement, no excuse not to be using them.
I will be meeting some friends from another city that I haven't seen for a few years on Nov 20 and I would love to be another 10, maybe even 15 lbs down by then. It is 40 days away, so I want to stay focused and on track and see what I can do.
So that's my plan. I am going to try to come here every day or two, and type out how I did that day, or possibly the day before, if I don't make it one day.
I did do 20 minutes of Pilates this morning, and I am going to get on the treadmill before my shift later today, although I may only start with 20 minutes since I am running out of time, and I don't want to overdo it on my first day at it before a long shift this afternoon/evening.
Wish me luck.
I have decided to start again.
I would like to tell you that I have reached all goals in life, weight, health, career, relationship, etc, but truth is that up until about 4 months ago nothing had changed.
4 months ago I decided to make some big changes. I have been self-employed most of my adult life with only short periods of working for someone else. Although this has paid the bills, and allowed me to make my own schedule, which was paramount when I had a young family, it was a pretty solitary existence. I did hire employees at different times, but primarily I worked alone. As mentioned in my last post, I am a social person and I was lonely. So 4 months ago I decided to get a job working in a retail setting. It is a huge cut in pay, but I am still making enough to pay my bills. The work I did in my own business was hard physical work, and I worked hard, so the hard work of being in this retail setting was not an issue, although there is much more walking, bending, constant lifting and twisting involved. I am a hard worker, so when I am walking somewhere, I am doing it with a sense of urgency. Always walking and working as fast as I can. It is new to me to have my breaks scheduled, so now I am eating on a schedule. Before I would eat when I finished whatever task or job I was working on, sometimes going long periods without eating, then being famished and eating too much. I now have to eat at normal times, at normal intervals.
I decided when I started this job that it was going to be the start of a new chapter in my life and it has. I am much happier being around people. I love chatting with the customers and other staff. I haven't made any actual friendships with anyone yet, (honestly this is not my goal, I have a circle of close friends that I love and I don't feel like I spend as much time with or talking to them as I would like,) but I am friendly with everyone, and they are the same with me. I am definitely smiling and laughing more though out the day than I did when I was spending my days working alone, that is so good for my mental health!
The combination of being forced to be more aware of what I am eating and when I am eating it, being constantly on the move, and working on a more set schedule, which forces me to implement a healthier and consistent sleeping schedule have all been great! As a result of all this, I have lost 40 lbs in the last 4 months.
Obviously I am delighted about this! I am enjoying all the benefits one would expect as a result of this. The cloths I was wearing when I started there simply don't fit anymore. I have more overall energy, and stamina, I feel better about myself, etc.
But... yes, there is a but. I still have a long way to go. I still weigh 194 lbs. I would like to lose somewhere between 40 - 50 more lbs. (I am 5'6" tall.) I haven't lost hope, and I haven't even stalled, or reached my first plateau yet at this point, but I feel like I need an extra boost to keep things going as well as they have been going. That is why I am back here. I feel I can use this as a way to keep myself accountable, if only to me, and a way to track my ongoing progress.
I want to start doing 20 minutes of Pilates every morning when I first get up. As the weight continues to come off, I want there to be lean muscles under the flat. I also want to do some cardio everyday, maybe 30- 60 minutes of hard walking on the treadmill, or riding the stationary bike, or rower. I have all these things in my basement, no excuse not to be using them.
I will be meeting some friends from another city that I haven't seen for a few years on Nov 20 and I would love to be another 10, maybe even 15 lbs down by then. It is 40 days away, so I want to stay focused and on track and see what I can do.
So that's my plan. I am going to try to come here every day or two, and type out how I did that day, or possibly the day before, if I don't make it one day.
I did do 20 minutes of Pilates this morning, and I am going to get on the treadmill before my shift later today, although I may only start with 20 minutes since I am running out of time, and I don't want to overdo it on my first day at it before a long shift this afternoon/evening.
Wish me luck.
Monday, 10 April 2017
Is this my rock bottom?
If you are following me, waiting to read how well I have done, stop reading.
I can honestly say that for the last little while I have been feeling a level of hopelessness I have never experienced before. Not hopeless like I want to die, or do something rash or drastic, but hopeless like I have let my life pass me by and I have fucked up my body and metabolism so much that there is no going back from this. I feel hopeless in a way I imagine a drug addict feels hopeless. I know what I want, I intellectually know how to get what I want but I seem incapable of taking those steps for any constant period of time to get there. I know what foods to eat to be healthy. I know I need to move my body. I even know that neither or those things need to be on any extreme level. I know that moderation in all things is the key. I know that slow and steady wins the race. I know that if I want to live a long and healthy life I need to make changes. I know that I want to be healthy. I know that I want to be more fit. I know that I want to feel and look better. I know all this but it seems the desire for these things is not as strong as the desire for what can only be described as death wish behavior.
It is no secret that I am lonely. But there is a catch 22 here. I am a social person and I want to meet more people. I want to be in a romantic relationship but I can't meet new people the way I look and feel now. The more isolated I am, the more lonely, sad and bored I am and so the more I make excuses to eat.
Something really weird happened to me last week. I was feeling like crap, I had just dropped my kid off at their fathers, which meant a few days alone for me, so I was sad and feeling lonely. I had been doing nothing consistent for months to try to get healthy. I needed a few groceries and driving to the store I had that old familiar conversation with myself about how it was time to get back on track. How my May deadline was coming up and I hadn't lost any weight or inches. I told myself I was going to get busy. How I know I will feel absolutely shitty at that event in May if I don't do something. I pepped talked myself into not wasting any more time. I got to the store and started shopping with the best of intentions. Then the weird thing happened. I started to think about how maybe I should have one last day and enjoy the foods that I loved and craved before I got back at it tomorrow. I convinced myself that since it was already afternoon it would be fine to finish out the day eating those things I know are triggers and will avoid for the next 7 weeks. I completely rationalized buying ice cream, a couple donuts and some chocolate chips to make cookies. I even convinced myself that buying the smaller ice cream carton so I wouldn't have any left over in the house was sound judgement. All this wasn't even the weird thing that I earlier referenced. I have probably convinced myself that tomorrow would be a new day hundreds of times in the 37 years I have struggled with my weight. I would just get this out of my system, blah, blah, blah. No, the weird part was what happened while I was driving home. I suddenly noticed that I was looking forward to going home and eating all that crap with the same feeling of excitement I have felt before when I was getting ready to see my former boyfriend. I realized that I felt happy and excited in a way that I hadn't felt in a long time. It was weird and it freaked me out! I felt happy and excited about going home and eating a bunch of crap! Once I realized how good I felt about this, it made me feel bad. It made me seriously question what the hell is wrong with me? It made me wonder if the idea of eating food could make me feel this good, how was I ever going to battle that? It made me realize that I haven't felt happy since I ended things with my boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, I have had pockets of happiness and good times since then, but they have been too few and too far between. I would like to say that I don't need a man, or more specifically 'that' man to make me happy but the fact is the only time I have ever felt truly happy, day in and day out, for an extended period of time was when I was with him. It was the only period of my life that I felt like I was enough. I never felt it with my husband. I may have felt it with previous boyfriends, but I don't remember that feeling of belonging and acceptance as profoundly as I did with him. To be fair, that may have been because I was quite young, or it may have been that I didn't notice how important it was when I was young because I always felt it, or possibly because I hadn't gone through any lengthy period of profoundly not feeling it like I did when I was married.
So realizing all this on the drive home made me sad. One might think that seeing all this clearly would have made me more determined than ever to stop using food to make me happy, one might think... Truth is I felt shitty, so I went home and ate those feelings too.
The next day after eating the ice cream and the donuts and the chocolate chips, (I couldn't be bothered to make the cookies so I just melted a bunch of them and mixed in some peanut butter,) I did, once again resolve to do better, and I did. I ate well all day. I had three good meals with snacks and it was a good sensible day.
Then the final reason for my current despair occurred. For some reason that I can't even figure out I started to tell myself that it would be ok to have a package of sesame snaps for my evening snack. Now a package of sesame snaps in of themselves is not all that bad. I had eaten well all day, why not? So despite having a lengthy conversation with myself about if I really should have them or not, and about how I wasn't really hungry, and about how it would feel great to have a really good day of good eating behind me I got up and walked to the cupboard and got the sesame snaps. It was almost like an out of body experience. I didn't really want them. I knew I didn't need them. I knew that it could possibly set things in motion that I didn't want. I got up and I got them anyway. At the risk of sounding even more crazy, it was like there was a second person there trying to talk me into it. I wasn't hearing voices, per se, but there was a voice in my head that no matter how much I said no, would not drop it and shut up. So I had the package of sesame snaps, then I had another. Then I had a granola bar I wasn't desperately craving or even particularly wanting, then I had some more chocolate chips with peanut butter. I hated myself I little more with each thing I ate, but I couldn't stop! Ok, I could have stopped, if the stakes were real and immediate, (gun to head,) but without something that extreme I carried on until any remote chance of calling the day a win completely evaporated. So that is why I feel so hopeless. How do I combat so many years of yielding to that voice in my head? I'm 54 years old, every day my metabolism slows a bit more. Everyday I become more and more ensconced in my habits. Everyday I feel older and more like there is no hope for health, for fitness, for thinness, for happiness.
I have never felt this way before. I definitely did feel a degree of hopelessness when I was in my dysfunctional marriage but not like this. I could stand that because I had a family to raise and I believed it was important to keep my family together. I also had more social interaction because little kids get together to play, so their Mom's get together to talk. The difference now is that my family is all but raised and I don't have as much social interaction.
I know I can't spend the rest of my life feeling and looking this way, but for the first time I feel like it's hopeless. Before I always knew that when I was ready I could lose weight and get fit but now I wonder if I have waited too long. I wonder if that ship has sailed. That makes me so sad and it scared the shit out of me.
I can honestly say that for the last little while I have been feeling a level of hopelessness I have never experienced before. Not hopeless like I want to die, or do something rash or drastic, but hopeless like I have let my life pass me by and I have fucked up my body and metabolism so much that there is no going back from this. I feel hopeless in a way I imagine a drug addict feels hopeless. I know what I want, I intellectually know how to get what I want but I seem incapable of taking those steps for any constant period of time to get there. I know what foods to eat to be healthy. I know I need to move my body. I even know that neither or those things need to be on any extreme level. I know that moderation in all things is the key. I know that slow and steady wins the race. I know that if I want to live a long and healthy life I need to make changes. I know that I want to be healthy. I know that I want to be more fit. I know that I want to feel and look better. I know all this but it seems the desire for these things is not as strong as the desire for what can only be described as death wish behavior.
It is no secret that I am lonely. But there is a catch 22 here. I am a social person and I want to meet more people. I want to be in a romantic relationship but I can't meet new people the way I look and feel now. The more isolated I am, the more lonely, sad and bored I am and so the more I make excuses to eat.
Something really weird happened to me last week. I was feeling like crap, I had just dropped my kid off at their fathers, which meant a few days alone for me, so I was sad and feeling lonely. I had been doing nothing consistent for months to try to get healthy. I needed a few groceries and driving to the store I had that old familiar conversation with myself about how it was time to get back on track. How my May deadline was coming up and I hadn't lost any weight or inches. I told myself I was going to get busy. How I know I will feel absolutely shitty at that event in May if I don't do something. I pepped talked myself into not wasting any more time. I got to the store and started shopping with the best of intentions. Then the weird thing happened. I started to think about how maybe I should have one last day and enjoy the foods that I loved and craved before I got back at it tomorrow. I convinced myself that since it was already afternoon it would be fine to finish out the day eating those things I know are triggers and will avoid for the next 7 weeks. I completely rationalized buying ice cream, a couple donuts and some chocolate chips to make cookies. I even convinced myself that buying the smaller ice cream carton so I wouldn't have any left over in the house was sound judgement. All this wasn't even the weird thing that I earlier referenced. I have probably convinced myself that tomorrow would be a new day hundreds of times in the 37 years I have struggled with my weight. I would just get this out of my system, blah, blah, blah. No, the weird part was what happened while I was driving home. I suddenly noticed that I was looking forward to going home and eating all that crap with the same feeling of excitement I have felt before when I was getting ready to see my former boyfriend. I realized that I felt happy and excited in a way that I hadn't felt in a long time. It was weird and it freaked me out! I felt happy and excited about going home and eating a bunch of crap! Once I realized how good I felt about this, it made me feel bad. It made me seriously question what the hell is wrong with me? It made me wonder if the idea of eating food could make me feel this good, how was I ever going to battle that? It made me realize that I haven't felt happy since I ended things with my boyfriend. Don't get me wrong, I have had pockets of happiness and good times since then, but they have been too few and too far between. I would like to say that I don't need a man, or more specifically 'that' man to make me happy but the fact is the only time I have ever felt truly happy, day in and day out, for an extended period of time was when I was with him. It was the only period of my life that I felt like I was enough. I never felt it with my husband. I may have felt it with previous boyfriends, but I don't remember that feeling of belonging and acceptance as profoundly as I did with him. To be fair, that may have been because I was quite young, or it may have been that I didn't notice how important it was when I was young because I always felt it, or possibly because I hadn't gone through any lengthy period of profoundly not feeling it like I did when I was married.
So realizing all this on the drive home made me sad. One might think that seeing all this clearly would have made me more determined than ever to stop using food to make me happy, one might think... Truth is I felt shitty, so I went home and ate those feelings too.
The next day after eating the ice cream and the donuts and the chocolate chips, (I couldn't be bothered to make the cookies so I just melted a bunch of them and mixed in some peanut butter,) I did, once again resolve to do better, and I did. I ate well all day. I had three good meals with snacks and it was a good sensible day.
Then the final reason for my current despair occurred. For some reason that I can't even figure out I started to tell myself that it would be ok to have a package of sesame snaps for my evening snack. Now a package of sesame snaps in of themselves is not all that bad. I had eaten well all day, why not? So despite having a lengthy conversation with myself about if I really should have them or not, and about how I wasn't really hungry, and about how it would feel great to have a really good day of good eating behind me I got up and walked to the cupboard and got the sesame snaps. It was almost like an out of body experience. I didn't really want them. I knew I didn't need them. I knew that it could possibly set things in motion that I didn't want. I got up and I got them anyway. At the risk of sounding even more crazy, it was like there was a second person there trying to talk me into it. I wasn't hearing voices, per se, but there was a voice in my head that no matter how much I said no, would not drop it and shut up. So I had the package of sesame snaps, then I had another. Then I had a granola bar I wasn't desperately craving or even particularly wanting, then I had some more chocolate chips with peanut butter. I hated myself I little more with each thing I ate, but I couldn't stop! Ok, I could have stopped, if the stakes were real and immediate, (gun to head,) but without something that extreme I carried on until any remote chance of calling the day a win completely evaporated. So that is why I feel so hopeless. How do I combat so many years of yielding to that voice in my head? I'm 54 years old, every day my metabolism slows a bit more. Everyday I become more and more ensconced in my habits. Everyday I feel older and more like there is no hope for health, for fitness, for thinness, for happiness.
I have never felt this way before. I definitely did feel a degree of hopelessness when I was in my dysfunctional marriage but not like this. I could stand that because I had a family to raise and I believed it was important to keep my family together. I also had more social interaction because little kids get together to play, so their Mom's get together to talk. The difference now is that my family is all but raised and I don't have as much social interaction.
I know I can't spend the rest of my life feeling and looking this way, but for the first time I feel like it's hopeless. Before I always knew that when I was ready I could lose weight and get fit but now I wonder if I have waited too long. I wonder if that ship has sailed. That makes me so sad and it scared the shit out of me.
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