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Monday, 27 February 2017

February 27, 2017

I always re-read my last post before I start a new one, just to remind myself of what my mindset was. It seems that there is a re-occurring theme. I have big plans, I'm going to really do some damage to the extra weight I carry. I have a timeline. I have goals. I do well for awhile then I mess up and throw the baby out with the bathwater. The most frustrating thing for me is that when I look back I always think, "what if...?"

Jan 5, 2017 I weighed 220.0 This morning I weighed 220.2. That would be great if I was trying to maintain a weight, however I am trying to lose weight. I will acknowledge the fact, and believe me it's no small thing, that at least I'm basically at the same place. I'll admit I'm having a really hard time not dwelling on where I could have been if I had been consistent for these last, basically 2 months. I know I need to stop that. I know that I should be celebrating the fact that I didn't gain 20 lbs in 2 months like I have at different times in my life. I know all this, but I'm having a bit of trouble talking myself into feeling it.

Actually now that I think about it, I may have gained almost 20 lbs in the last couple months. Let me explain, I did what I always do. I get all gung ho and lose 5 lbs fairly quickly. Then maybe because I get complaisant, or some event comes up that throws me for a loop, or maybe I just get hungry, or on some level I fear success, whatever it is, I lose my motivation and I gain it back in a week of weakness and gluttony. Then I get pi$%ed off at myself and start again. Lose five more lbs fairly quickly then the whole cycle is repeated over again and again.

I'm honestly really, really sad and stressed that I am not going to be looking and feeling better for the event that is coming up this week and over the next month. It is going to be so humiliating for me to see a bunch of people that I haven't seen since I gained all this weight back. Under my normal MO I would just make up some excuse and not go, (and believe me I have thought of doing that,) but that isn't possible this time. I have a old and dear friend that needs my help dealing with the clearing out of her parents home. I have seen the friend since I have gained the weight, but I haven't seen her siblings or their spouses. I'm so dreading it. I feel so ashamed. I'd like to say that the shame will work as a motivator for me, I'd like to say that, but the truth is I don't know for sure if it will or if it will just send me into a spiral of shame and eating. I guess that's up to me isn't it?

I'm also very, very sad that there is a huge, literally once in a lifetime event, coming up at the end of May and I will not be physically where I wanted to be. Yes I can make some significant change between now and then, it's 13 weeks away, but again I am a bit consumed by the fact that I wasted so much time. I've wasted so much life.

I have had a few epiphanies of late, hopefully they will stick. The first one I didn't think up, I've heard it before but I never really applied it to me. It is "Progress not perfection." I have let my desire for perfection mess me up in a few ways in the past. One, as I've mentioned, is that something comes up, and I lose my way. I have a day where I get off track and it becomes 2 days, then 3, and away I go. The really silly thing is that it might be a bad thing, like my ex being as ass, (although that honestly has very little effect on me anymore,) or me being sad or lonely. It could also be a good thing that happens, like I get together with friends or family. As happens with these events food is often a significant component and eat more than I should. Then I allow myself to think,"Ate too much yesterday, maybe just one more day before I get back on track." And you know where that goes. Another way my perfection messes me up is that I do so "well"  for a number of days that I suddenly find myself truly and actually hungry! When this happens I feel like it is more of a physical response than a psychological one. I need to eat! Then the above pattern repeats, one more day... So if I can let go of the perfection and just take one good day at a time I know I will do better. One good day, not a perfect day... so "progress not perfection."

The second thought/epiphany I had was, "I need to start to live like my life depends on it!" Because it does. The quality and longevity of my life anyway.

So once again I will write my plans and goals here. They are more realistic and attainable than before in that they don't depend on a number on the scale but on my actions in the move towards progress no matter what the speed of that progress is.

I will do my best to;

-walk 7000 steps every day. Obviously this makes my weekly goal 49,000. The reason I state that obvious fact is that I am going to give myself permission to use steps from a previous day, or make up steps on following days if I'm just not feeling the love for my treadmill sometimes.

-I am going to drink 2L of water every day. My body needs this to help my metabolism and general well being. My skin needs this to help with elasticity.

-I am going to put lotion on  my body at least once a day and I'm going to say loving things to myself  as I do.

-Because more and more studies show a link between successful weight lost/weight maintenance and getting enough sleep, I am going to strive for at least 7.5 hours per night.

-I am going to do at least 10 mins of Pilates exercises every day. When I lost 90 lbs before, waking up a little early and doing 20 mins of Pilates every morning really helped to set the tone for the whole day. I love how the Pilates makes me feel stronger and more flexible. I haven't been doing anything for flexibility for sometime so that is why, for now, I'm starting with 10 mins per day.

-When I brush my teeth 2 times a day, rather than just standing there, I'm going to do something to strengthen  my legs and increase  my balance. This will be something like squats, leg lifts or going up on my tip toes over and over. Just moving someway.

-At least some of the time when I watch tv I'm going to sit in the rocking chair and rock, or sit on the Swiss ball and gently bounce or move. Obviously this in of itself isn't going to make a huge difference but it will mean I am moving, at least a little bit more.

-I'm going to track what I eat. I'm not going for perfection here. I'm going to eat what I want, but I strive to be accountable and eat at least reasonable well. I hate to harp on this, but when I lost the weight before, I wasn't on any diet. I ate what I wanted, I just ate it in reasonable amounts.

I have never been a post every day kind of gal, but I do wonder if I made a commitment to post more if it would help me to be accountable? I'll give that some thought. Be forewarned, you may be seeing more frequent and more, (is it possible?) boring posts from me.

As always, thanks for reading and feel free to post a comment.