If you made it through my last long post, congratulation. You deserve some kind of badge for perseverance!
I have been thinking a lot about what I have done, what I haven't done and why. I would like to say I have found all the answers and it will be clear sailing from here on out. I know from previous life experience that even if I indeed had found the magic bullet that there would still be struggles and setbacks.
The conclusion I have come to is as I stated previously. I need to stop wasting my life doubting and hating myself. Intellectually I know that every time everything is not going to work out like we hoped. As often as not the unscheduled change of plans will present the opportunity for something even better to arrive in our lives, if we let it. I want to start letting it.
Maybe it is too late for things to work out with that man I mentioned previously. God I hope it isn't, but maybe it is. If it is, then maybe that means I haven't learned to love myself enough yet. Maybe it means that there is someone even more amazing out there for me. Who knows what it means. I don't want this to sound like I am living my life waiting for and wanting a man. With the exception of a few relationships of a few years before I met my ex-husband I was mostly without a man. For most of the 23 years of my relationship with my ex-husband I was without a man. For all but a few years since my divorce 8 years ago I was without a man. I don't need a man to support me financially. I have a great circle of friends. I have an amazing family. I don't need a man, but that doesn't mean I don't want one. I am lonely. I miss the physical companionship. I miss the conversations and communication that I learnt are possible when I was dating the aforementioned amazing man. Even though there is nothing I can't do for myself in and around my house, I miss doing those things with "him." Incidentally I should mention the ex did nothing in or around the house, he was always too busy working, (screwing around,) or too tired. I didn't know until "he" was in my life how much I would enjoy having someone to do all those house things with. So, no I don't need a man, and I will never again settle for the wrong man, but I want the right one to share my life with.
So instead of continuing to be afraid that things will not work out with "him" for whatever reason. I am committed to finding out sooner than later one way or the other. I think when I am 50lbs lighter than I am now would be a reasonable time to say I will see him. 50lbs lighter than I am now is still considerably heavier than I ever was when he saw me, but if he can't see past that extra 20 lbs while I lose it, then maybe he isn't the man for me after all. Losing 50lbs at a reasonable 1.5 lbs per week is going to take me to at least December, but so be it. Because I intent to increase my activity level from 0, maybe the first 20 or so lbs will come off faster, which would be a bonus. However long it takes, that's how long it will take. I have to know one way or the other. If the interest isn't there for one or the other of us, then I need to know so I can move on. If it is still there, then we need to stop wasting time and enjoy seeing where it all leads us.
Interestingly when I got on the scale this morning, in spite of the fact I've been eating like an Olympic wrester in training, it wasn't as bad as I thought it might be. I have negated some of the progress I had made in the last several months, but not all. Lol, interesting mind set when one is happy about not having gained all the weight back... Oh well, it is what it is. There have been many times when I gained it all back and more so I will take this as a victory!
So there it is. Going forward I plan on trying to only say kind things to myself. If I wouldn't say it to a friend, I'm going to try to not to say it to myself. If I do catch myself hating myself I am going to say 10 nice things to me, or 1 nice thing 10 times. I'm going to work on moving more and eating the proper amount. I'm going to keep track of everything I eat, this will be easier than ever using an app on my phone. I'm also going to post my weight here. I've never really done it before, but in an effort to be proud of me and celebrate whatever accomplishments I make I'll post. I'm also going to set some specific goals, both short term and long, with dates attached. I have done this before and it really did help to motivate me.
This morning scale said 225.6 lbs
Thanks for reading, thanks for commenting, and thanks for sticking with me.