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Monday, 18 April 2016

I'm crying now...

I just read my last few posts. I remember how I felt when I wrote them, I remember how determined I was, I read all my good intentions to do the right things... and here I sit, nearly as fat as I have ever been...so I'm crying.

Some of the reasons I'm crying are no doubt the same as the ones you are assuming, but I dare say that some may not be. Of course I'm upset because not only was I a mere 10lbs away from my goal weight in 2008, having lost a total of 90lbs, and I have gained it all back but 10 lbs. I'm also crying because of the example I have been setting for my child. I am crying because of all the things I didn't do with my child because of my weight and the insecurity and shame it brought me, those years are lost, those opportunities gone. I'm crying because of the time I have wasted and the damage I have done to my body. I'm crying because of what I could have learnt in these last 8 years in the time I have instead been obsessing over my weight and food. I'm crying because even though I am a smart person I can't, or won't figure this out. I'm so tired of feeling ashamed and sad and embarrassed and lonely and like a failure.
I've posted before that I think the formula for losing weight is a simple one, more out than in. I believed that and still do. It's science. I can and have lost weight, would I be exaggerating if I said hundreds of times? Where I fail is staying on track. Allowing myself to become derailed over the smallest incident. I have done well, gotten a good start and then I allow something insignificant to throw me for a loop. I have been doing a lot of thinking and even though I have always believed that losing weight and keeping it off is as much mental as physical I don't think I have ever really given enough thought to what the mental aspects are for me. I endeavour to do that.

I know why I got fat. I know what destroyed my self esteem. I even know why I gained the weight back. But now what? How and when am I going to decide that enough it enough once and for all?

As I stated in a previous post, the advice that I would give a smoker trying to quit smoking would be, "Never quit quitting!" I guess I need to swallow my pride and shame and take that advice with regard to getting fit. I'm never going to quit trying to get in shape.

Something that I haven't written about here, (well at least I don't think I have, there has been so much rambling over such a long period of time I may have, please forgive me if I am being redundant.) Some time after my marriage ended I met a really great man. Problem was he lived far away. Too far to be able to see each other as often as we would both like because I have my child with me 6 nights a week. We were in love, he was the best man I have ever met. After a few of the happiest years of my entire life I f*#&ed it up. I decided for him that because we lived so far apart that it wasn't fair to him to be waiting for me. I decided for him that because we could only see each other 1 weekend every few months this wasn't fair to him. I decided for him because it would be a number of years before my child would be old enough and independent enough for me to get away more I should stop holding him back and I decided to end it. When I look back I know that even though I really did believe these things, I now know that the old insecurities were creeping in as well. Part of me couldn't believe that someone so amazing wanted to be with me. Part of me believed that I didn't deserve to be that happy. Part of me believed that one day he would come to his senses and he would end it. How sick is that? Pretty messed up for sure. Anyway I ended it. I gave him the reasons I believed at the time. At first he wasn't buying it. He said he didn't agree and he didn't want to break up. He felt like even though it was not the ideal situation it was worth it. He said he felt more happy and comfortable with me than he ever had as well. He tried for months to change my mind. From the time I ended it I was so sad. Honestly I don't know if I have ever been more sad for so long. I was sad and of course my drug of choice was food. Eating and gaining weight did two things, first it made me feel less sad, for a moment. I am pretty sure that it was Christie that said one of many things that I have found profound in one of her posts on "Life Inside the Blubber Sarcophagus" some time ago. She said, and I may be paraphrasing slightly, "It's hard to cry when you are eating." As it turns out you can cry while eating, but not that gut wrenching sobbing and wailing kind of crying. So the eating helped to control the gut wrenching crying. Something else happened as well, gaining significant weight also helped me to make sure I wouldn't change my mind and see him again. He finally accepted that I wasn't going to change my mind, and we stopped communicating. Of course I was still sad, I gained more and more weight. He would contact me over the years, to say Merry Christmas, or Happy Birthday. He even made me a lovely wooden hand made bowl one year for my birthday and send it to me with a note saying he hoped I was well. These communications showed me that he was still thinking of me and of course I would respond back to say Merry Christmas as well, or thank you for the birthday wishes, (and gift.) Problem was that I was fat, really fat. over 200lbs fat and about 50lbs heavier than he had ever seen me fat. I couldn't see him. So I continued to be standoffish. About 2 years ago he contacted me again, out of the blue, and in my stupidity I still felt like all the reasons we couldn't be together were still valid, plus I was still fat. I know part of me thought that being fat, and not giving into the temptation of seeing him would eventually help me to get over him. It hasn't. I'll admit that part of me always felt like one day when the time was right we would be in touch and we would see each other again and we would pick up where we left off. Part of me felt like as long as I was fat I could stay away from him. Part of me was an idiot.
As I said about 2 years ago he contacted me and we talked a bit but I refused to see him. I didn't tell him it was because I was fat, just that nothing had really changed.
Then about 6 months ago I finally realised that it wouldn't be long until my child was out of high school and off to University. It wouldn't be long until I would have more time and freedom on my hands than I would know what to do with. I then decided that I would start to lose the weight and get in shape and when I was at my goal I would contact him to see him again. I did well for a little while, then some new doubts started to creep in. What if he didn't want to see  me? What if he didn't care anymore? What if he had moved on? What if he was with someone else? What if, what if, what if... So my fear got the best of me and I quickly negated and progress I had made. That is where I am now.
As I was writing this I realised something important. I know I have used the weight these last few years as a kind of protection. It kept me from seeing him when I felt like nothing had changed, we still couldn't see much of each other and it wasn't fair to him. Then my fear and doubts have held me back these last few months. What I realised is that I need to see this man again, or at least try. I need to see him to find out once and for all either that there is still enough interest on both our parts to give it another try, or to find out that there isn't. Either way I need to know. I need to move on. I need to stop being afraid of what may or may not happen with him. Either way I need to be living my life and stop wasting the finite number of days I have been given on this planet!
The good news, after writing all that, I'm  not crying anymore...

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