Good Sunday afternoon, I mentioned that I was thinking of coming back here and doing some more blogging as a tool to help me get back on track, as well as helping me to get out of my head, so here goes...
I have said all along that I knew I had a small audience, even joking that I was writing for "one random person" out there. I'm totally fine with that, and as I've said sometimes I think that's better. Less pressure, less risk, less people to disappoint if I don't blog as frequently as most do.
If you have read past posts then you know a bit about me. You know that I have struggled with weight and the accumulation of it and the desire to rid myself of it. Like many bloggers I started to lose the battle and rather than continue to post and lie about how good I was doing, or admitting my downfall... again, I just disappeared.
I know for myself I have felt like it was just one more failure. One more time I was all gang busters eager and determined and then I just became a statistic of someone who either didn't lose, or in my case, lost but gained some of it back. I know that I felt some shame over this and I felt like there are people out there who may be reading talking to their computer screen saying, "I told you so, you did (fill in the blank) wrong." Christie expressed a similar sentiment recently and what I said to her was something like, 'the people who care about you don't care if you've had a setback, and the people who don't care about you don't matter.' I believe that to be true.
I was thinking, if the situation were different and if this were an "I'm trying to quit smoking" blog would things be different? Let's say I'd had some success and quit smoking for a time, then I started back smoking again and quit blogging. When I (or anyone) came back to blogging would there be the same judgement that is there when a person who was working on losing weight and gets off track seems to endure? I don't think there would be. I think everyone would be delighted that I had decided to make an attempt at quitting smoking again. Why is the attitude different when the thing we are trying to quit is overeating?
Having said that, I wonder, is the attitude different or is it just our perception? I should say that I personally haven't ever experienced that "I told you so" attitude online. But have I in person, to my face? I can't recall a specific time when those words were actually spoken yet I feel like I have heard them. Maybe the voice that I've heard that from is only my own. But really it shouldn't matter where that voice or thought is coming from, I think my opinion should be, and I've made reference to this a few times in past posts, that no matter what it is you are trying to quit, smoking, overeating, drugs, whatever, you should never quit quitting.
So that's what I'm going to do. I'm not quitting. I don't care if it's 2 steps forward and 1 step back. I don't even care if it's 4 steps forward and 5 steps back sometimes. I'm not ready to say that my health and happiness don't matter. I will continue to try to be the best version of myself that is possible because I deserve it and my kid deserves it!! Not only that but I know the rest of my family and my friends want me around as long as possible. I mean lets face it, I'm fabulous and even people I haven't met deserve to have me around!
So I'm not sure what direction I will take with this. Maybe I'll post my weight and subsequent losses or maybe I will just use this forum to try to make sense of those voices, (good and bad,) in my head. I know that the basic principle to losing weight is the simple formula of more calories out than in. Even when science tells us that for some people the older we get the more difficult it can me, the formula is the same. I know how to lose weight and I know for me it's physically possible. What I also have always known and now believe is that there are deeper reasons to why I have success then sabotage myself and fall off track and gain weight back.