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Friday, 19 October 2012

UGG!!

So much has happened since my last post. The long and well... long of it is....

-I have been stressing, preparing to go to court against my ex because he no longer wants to pay child support. Good news is the judge saw my ex's bid for custody as what it was and ordered that custody will not change and the ex has to pay support henceforth as well as retroactively. Sadly I haven't seen any of this money yet and who knows when I will, but for me it was never about the money, ex wanted our child there even though he wasn't going to be there. He already sees her for a few hours, 4 days a week and our child doesn't want to go any more. As I say it was never about the money for me and if that sounds like a 'line' keep in mind that the ex pays less than $20.00 per day. In the mean time I have had to sell stuff, max my credit cards and borrow money to spent tons of money on lawyer fees.

-Although I tried to ignore it as much as possible, my ex has been more angry, mean, rude and difficult than ever.

-Although I make less than $20,000.00 per year the gov't has decided to audit me. (I'm not totally convinced my ex doesn't have something to do with this, but I don't know for sure.) This has required what seems like hundreds of hours of time and tons of stress to prepare for and defend myself in the audit.

-A very good friend, my most valued confidant really, and I had a disagreement that left us at odds for a few months. Although we have reconciled and are back to talking regularly, things aren't the same and I miss one of the few very good friends I have.

-I have been suffering from a broken heart. I have come to realise that a man that I deeply love, and that love me just can't make a go of it.

-Although my Mom is doing great, she is still recovering from her near death emergency in Dec.

-My 50th birthday was approaching, (it has recently passed.) I was not upset about turning 50, I am honoured to have been given the privilege to reach this age as I personally know a number of people, and hear everyday of people who have not had the privilege to get to this age. However, I'm sad and disappointed that I haven't done more in my life. I thought I would be farther ahead in my career, and personal life by now.

I know I sound like I'm whining, and making excuses. Well, I am, but I am also trying to explain to you, and to me what has happened.

I don't deal well with stress. When I have any negative emotion I run to food. I have for as long as I can remember and even though I know I do it, I still do it. There are times when I am so f*&ked up, I don't even want to eat, I'm not hungry, often I'm full already, but I want more food, and I go and get it. Even if what I have on hand isn't something that would be a first choice for me. Hell, sometimes if I don't even really like it.

I have to say I have shown incredible determination and stamina the last few months to really gain as much weight as possible. The single-mindedness I have shown in this endeavour would be admirable if it wasn't so sick.

So... again..... I have decided that I hate the way I look and feel. I have decided that it is time to figure this out. No more excuses. Ya... I have s*%t happening in my life. Ya... I have an ex that is an ass. Ya... I have financial problems. Ya... I am lonely. Ya, ya, ya I have problems....so does the rest of the world. Time for me to stop being a victim and a cry baby and make the life I want. There is no Knight in Shining Armour. There is no lottery win. There is no easy way. I need to stop thinking that things like health, happiness, money, etc are going to come to me just because I'm a good person and I would really like to have these things. For God sake, most people figured this out in their 20's!!

I have been giving this a lot of thought and starting today I'm starting what I'm calling my "65 day plan."

For 65 days
-I am going to kick ass.
-I'm going to eat like I actually like myself and think my life and health are important.
-I'm going to do things with my body that it was designed to do.
-I'm going to think of myself the way my friends and family think of me.

I not only have decided to change, I am actually going to change. Every thought, action, and decision is going to evaluated. I'm either moving forward, or moving back.

If you guys have been reading this blog, you are likely doing 1 of 2 things; rolling your eyes thinking, 'here we go again.' Or cheering for me, thinking, 'I hope she does it this time.' Maybe a bit of both. I'm going to write here in this blog as often as I can, because it keeps me accountable, but I'm not doing it for you or your approval. I do like your feedback and please feel free to comment however you are moved to.

But the bottom line is I'm doing it because I remember how great I felt, inside and out in Feb of 2008 when I was 90 lbs lighter than I had been a few years earlier. I'm doing it because I not only remember what 154lbs felt like, but because I remember what 244 felt like. I'm doing it because this life is not a dress rehearsal. I'm doing it because my child deserves a healthy Mom that is doing all she can to be around for many, many years to come. I'm also doing it because my kid deserves to see an example of how a healthy person lives. I'm doing it because I don't want to wait until I get that medical bombshell dropped on me. I'm doing it because I want and deserve better than to hate myself and to show it by disrespecting myself by not reaching my full potential.

So here it is.... today I weighed 200.4 lbs. The first time back in the 200's since sometime in 2007. I don't know what I feel. Sadness, anger, disappointment. I'll admit that I'm not surprised though. With the determination I have shown to gain weight the last few months part of me is a bit surprised it isn't more.

65 Days... I won't be at my goal of 144, I won't even be close, but I can do amazing things in 65 days.