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Wednesday, 4 July 2012

Is it 1 step forward and 2 back, or 2 steps forward, 1 step back?

Sorry I haven't been around at all of late. Mind you I honestly think I'm the only one that visits my blog, which is fine, I'm not complaining, I'm just saying I don't know if I'm apologising to myself...lol.

I haven't even been reading the few blogs I follow. Life has gotten... interesting. I'm sorry to report that when life gets...interesting.... I make notoriously bad food choices. Honestly if I could figure out why that is, I would have this overweight thing licked!!

I wonder if it's deeper than the simple fact that I associate food with comfort. It was always a display of love, or a reward when I got something special as a kid. By special I mean a treat, chocolate, ice cream, that stuff. Guess what, that's what I go to, in excess, when life is...interesting. Maybe that's all it is. I know that part of the reason that my parents used food as a reward was because when they were young there were times when neither of them had enough to eat. Also my Mom had a love/hate relationship with food her whole life, she still does, so I think that is why she rewarded me with treats that she felt she couldn't have. Because she couldn't have them, maybe they were the most precious thing she could think of. We didn't have a lot of money when I was a kid. That chocolate bar, or ice cream once a month, or however often it was, was no doubt money they could have and likely should have, spend elsewhere. So it was a real gift from them to allow me to have such a rare indulgence. I didn't know how little money we had at the time, but now I do, and a chocolate bar was obviously much more affordable that a new toy. Maybe I just remind myself that the love my parents were showing wasn't the food, but the food was the best treat they could afford. If only it were that simple. The odd thing is, I have amazing parents. I know, and have always known that they love me unconditionally. There was always lots of love from them, my Dad especially, (I was the definition of Daddy's girl.)  So why is the comfort of the food so huge?
I think there is more to it. I think maybe it is not about the food as treats and rewards, but that maybe when I am feeling like life is out of control I'm in control of the food. I eat what I want, when I want, so that is the control. This of course is so stupid. Fact is I couldn't be more out of control, and gaining weight just makes me feel even more out of control and defeated. When, and if, I'm eating to be in control I'm just lying to myself.
Fact is I never really over ate when I was a kid. Although I did have a questionable body image, thanks to a well meaning Aunt to sat me down when I was in grade 7 and told me I would have to watch it because all the women in our family were fat, which they weren't. I didn't really know it or understand it at the time, but that was when I started to see myself as fat. From then, all through my adult life,  my body image was always messed up. I always thought I was much fatter than I was. Funny thing is when I was like 125 lbs and 18 years old I felt like I looked when I actually was 240 lbs. Then when I was approaching 200 lbs and way above, I didn't have a clear realisation of how big I actually was. Messed up... yup.

First time I remember regularly eating poorly was when I moved out and moved to a different city when I was 17. I was cooking for myself, well I sometimes was cooking for myself. I worked at a grocery store and very often I would just bring something home. Milk and cookies, ice cream, KFC, (which wasn't called KFC yet,) donuts, whatever. I gained the freshman 15. That did level out and I got back to my 'fighting weight.' But my self image was always out of whack. I saw something recently that said "I wish I was as fat as I was when I thought I was fat when I was young!" Wow how true that is!!!

I digress, once I got used to living alone and not knowing anyone, or as I met more and more friends my weight levelled out and stayed pretty much the same for years. Now that I think of it... when I really started to pack on the pounds was after the first time my husband, then boyfriend cheated on me. I was home alone a lot. He worked nights, or out of town, in bars. I had sold my car, it was having some issues and I just didn't replace it, so when he was out I was more or less stuck home. At some point before he cheated, or I knew he cheated, he made some off the cuff remark about my weight. I don't even remember what it was. I know when I confronted him about it he explained what he meant it wasn't mean, but because of my messed up body image it stuck in my mind, then later when he cheated I reasoned that he had done it because I was getting fat. I wasn't fat and he had never said I was, but I needed to find a reason why he cheated. I was too young to understand his cheating had nothing to do with me. I thought it had to be me. So during that time when I was filled with sadness and loneliness was the first time in my life I really turned to food for comfort big time. I proceeded to get fat. I don't remember how fat I got, because remember my body image was not accurate, but I think I probably got up to about 180? We then seemed to get things figured out. We were really happy and I believed that his cheating was behind us. I gradually lost the weight, getting back to about 130. I stayed there for a few years, we stayed happy and decided to get married. Life was good. We got married, I got pregnant, I gained about 30 lbs, but lost it quickly after the baby was born. Life was fantastic. But then, I was alone a lot with the baby. I suspected he was cheating again. I started to gain weight, and if it had been an Olympic sport I would have won the gold. Within about 4 years I was all the way up to 244. It's interesting to realise now, for the first time, (duh) that my overeating never started until trouble with him. It is also noteworthy that now the majority of the time when I go running to food is because of an issue with him. There are other challenges, like a tax audit, and job issues, but it is always something with him that seems to push me over the edge.  I have got to stop allowing him to control me still!! O.k. that isn't 100% accurate, sometimes, if I were to be completely truthful, I eat poorly and too much just because I am bored. This has all got to stop.

I just read a really good book, I recommend it to... well, me, since I am the only one who reads this blog... hee hee. It is called "The Noticer" by Andy Andrews. Basically it's a book about life lessons and wisdom's. In it he talks about the difference between deciding to change and actually changing. Enough deciding to change for me. I have decided, now I need to actually change.

This is not where I was planning for this post to go at all today. I was just going to give a brief update but sometimes the fingers just get going!

So  here is the brief update part...lol.

Jan 1, 2012 I was 196 lbs, (yes I went crazy last year.)
March 31, 2012 I was169 lbs, yeah me...
This morning, July 4, 2012 I was 181 lbs, boo me...

So the good  news is that overall, from my highest of 244 lbs in about Sept '05, I am still down 63 lbs. That's good.

The bad news is that since March 31, '12 I am up 12 lbs. That's not good.

The worse news is that since Feb, '08 when I was at my lowest of 154 lbs I am up 27 lbs. That's bad.

I need to get more inside my head. I need to figure out what I am afraid of that is keeping me from reaching my goal. I need to figure out what those triggers are and a realistic way to jam the pistol. I need to give myself permission to succeed and be happy.

I have said it before, but... weeee, here we go again! You know what? I'm o.k. with that. As long as I can brush myself off and start again, that's all that matters. I have setbacks, I  haven't and I won't ever allow myself to be the sad, defeated person I was when I was so, so overweight. I have too much too live for.

I'm going to try to post more, and shorter posts. Even though I may be the only one reading these posts, (as I write them,) they do help to keep me accountable.