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Wednesday, 4 January 2012

Mind Games

I mentioned yesterday that I was going to play a mind game with myself with regard to the latest, greatest diet out there. (Hee hee, it is, because it's my idea) I am still planning on using this 'one day diet' as a means of keeping focused on the here and now, and not becoming overwhelmed with the enormity of the job.

However, something that happened today got me thinking about the mind games I have played with myself over the years that have NOT served me well. I was doing up the belt I wear with my jeans, yes I wear a belt with my jeans, yes they are "mom jeans," I'm old school and yes I will likely be wearing "mom jeans" for quite some time, at least until I get to about 160 lbs, (I had some really nice jeans when I was there, still not the really hip kind, you know the ones that shows off half your ass when you move, but not quite so 'momsie' as these. ) I won't even rethink my decision on my "mom jeans" if National Enquirer posts a picture of me on the cover calling me out on them. Anyway, I was doing up the belt, and although I obviously knew this had happened, today was the first time I really noticed that I was 7 holes away from where I was when I was at my low weight in Feb of 2008. 7 holes, just to be clear that's SEVEN FREAKIN' holes, each one approx 1" apart!! So what kind of bull poop was I telling myself each time I moved one more hole away from that smallest hole in that belt? Here are a few examples of those wonderful mind games;
-I'm under a lot of stress... so somehow I convinced myself that because I was having a terrible time with the end of my marriage it was o.k. Did I really believe that gaining weight, feeling and looking worse was somehow going to make me feel better?
-I'll get this under control next week. Ummm we know how that turned out.
-I don't look that bad. Well no, I guess maybe I didn't look that bad, I could have looked worse. I wasn't as big as I was when I was 244, but I didn't look as good as I did when I was 154 for freakin' sure, or as good as I could.
-This 1 cookie, (or whatever) is not that big of a deal. Well that was good, two more in this row, may as well finish them off, because 2 more is not going to do me in. Hmmm, maybe I should just eat the rest of the bag and get them out of the house so I'm not tempted! Then I'll get back on track again tomorrow. We all know how that turned out.
-Because so far I'm really generally healthy, I'm somehow the exception to the rule that carrying extra weight is unhealthy. I won't get sick, with cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure, or any of the zillion other things that study after study has shown to increase with increased weight. (Thank God that so far I have dodged all these bullets, but really I'm going to be 50 this year, how long will that continue?)
-I have even convinced myself, through things that have happened, and the mind games that have followed that somehow I'm not smart, or a good person, or attractive, or worthy of love. People are always telling me that I'm smart and kind and attractive and that someone who wasn't an ass would love to love me, so I guess on some level I know the things I tell myself aren't true. But in my heart, in my mind, not so much.
-I don't need to work at a career, because somehow, magically my dream career will just show up for me. Here I am, again almost 50, still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, and my finances are a mess.
-I've got lots of time to get my body, mind, career, house, etc in order. Well even if I do, even if I live a long, long life, I'm never getting these days back. My child will never be this age again.

Of course I could go on, and on and on, and I'm sure you could add some of your own mind games, actually feel free to, I think it would be good for us to get them out in the open.

So even though I am going to continue to play mind games with myself, I'm going to try really, really hard to only play ones that serve me well.

The scale didn't give me as much love this morning, only .2 of a lbs down, but hey, I'll take it, and still doing well for the week. I'll post my loss and weight once a week if you all are interested. Lol, 'you all' o.k. both of you...

Weekly goals;
-2 really fun things with my child. -we went for a walk together and talked about silly things and laughed the whole time. Not the kind of really fun thing I was thinking, but it was fun!
-write down everything I eat. -yes

-stay under 1700 calories daily. -yes, so far I'm at 1150, may or may not have something else, shrug
-walk 20 mins a day -yes,
-floss my teeth 3 times this week -just 1 so far
-lotion on my body after shower -yes
-write a long overdue email grrrr, not yet
-look into taking some courses -didn't start yet
-1 hour on paperwork on my messy desk. -yes, woo hoo, but that thing is still a mess!
-blog at least 3 days this week -is this 2 or 3...lol


This is longer than I would like it, sorry, I am going to try to keep things shorter, but sometimes I just get going!