How many scales that have been neglected for weeks, months, years were stepped on this morning? I know mine was. I haven't weighted myself for over a month. I know, I know... But in the last month, it was like I was eating as much as possible on purpose. Well maybe not as much as possible, but there were no restrictions of any kind. I saw it, I wanted it, I ate it. No thought of is this a good idea? Have I had enough today? Is this moving me towards or away from my ultimate goal? None of that.
The end of November, I hurt my back, couldn't work out, could barely move. I was taking more pain medication than I have ever taken, and it wasn't touching it. So I wasn't getting any exercise. Still managing to eat though, although honestly not too much, I didn't have the strength.
A few days after I was feeling better my Mom had to have emergency surgery. It was out of the blue, and it had me at the hospital for many days and nights. Because I am an emotional eater, the very real fear of losing my Mom send me for a loop, then seeing her in a state that I have never seen her in before was also very hard, and that send me to the fridge. Thank God Mom is on the road to recovery, but because she is 79 it will be slow and because of the nature of the surgery she will not ever be back to exactly where she was.
Then it was Christmas, there was the usual assortment of baking that my child and I do every year, the last many years I have easily resisted all the baking we had around, but his year, I seemed to have the attitude I was going to eat as much as I wanted. I even had to make an extra batch of one type of cookies because I had eaten so many. How bad is that!! (Don't answer, I know, it's really freakin' bad!)
On top of all this, for whatever reason, my ex has stepped up the game of being unreasonable. He still isn't paying any child support, so we are dealing with lawyers over that, and he is just mean whenever he gets the chance.
So.... all of these excuses, and more, have me weighing 27 lbs more than I weighed in the spring.
Here are my numbers;
-I was at my highest weight in 2004; 244 lbs
-I gradually lost weight, to get to my lowest weight in many years in Feb. 2008; 154 lbs (-90lbs)
-Gradual weight gain over the next few years, (the reason/excuses for this are in earlier posts) I won't bore you with all the details of the up's and down's but I did get as high as 186 but I put the brakes on that and in March of 2011 I was down to 169 lbs. I was delighted about that, that was 15 lbs away from my lowest, and 29 lbs from what I thought my goal weight would be.
Now this morning, Jan 1, 2012 I weighed 196 lbs.
Well if there is good news, I guess it is that I am under 200, I have been eating so much and moving so little I really thought I would be about 210 lbs.
Sooooo, now what? Of course a new year is a time of re-evaluation for a lot of people, and I am one of them. I'm not happy with my life, that is no surprise, so what do I do to get happy?
Well I am making some changes. All of them small, but all of them steps in the forward direction.
I"m going to make small changes this week, adding more small changes each week and build on my forward momentum in baby steps. When I lost 90 lbs before, I did it gradually, very gradually, and honestly it didn't seem that hard, especially considering the huge payoff I had in the way I looked and felt.
I will get my life, my body, my relationships, my house and my yard to the place that they should be. I will learn to love myself, I will regain my confidence, and I will stop treating life like it is a dress-rehearsal.
So this week....
-I will do at least 2 really fun things with my child.
-I will write down everything I eat.
-I will try to stay under 1700 calories daily.
-I will walk 20 mins a day
-I will floss my teeth 3 times this week, (I know I should do it everyday, but baby steps, right?)
-I will put lotion on my body after every shower.
-I will write a long overdue email to one of my friends that I have not kept in touch with.
-I will look into taking some courses that I want to take to change careers.
-I will spend 1 hour this week working on paperwork on my messy desk.
-I will try to blog at least 3 days this week, (this may or may not count as one...)
So am I setting myself up, again? I guess we'll see. But I am no less determined than I have ever been, and I believe what they say about smoking to be true of many other things as well. That you need to keep quitting until you quit.
So, here we go...... weeeeee!