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Friday, 8 April 2011

Why I'm Living in the Past

I know that the things I have been writing about happened over 3 years ago. I just want to clear up why I am “Living in the past.”  It is an effort on my part to better understand not only the impact these events had on me, but why I reacted to them the way I did.  I’m hoping that by going back and looking at that time in my life, I can learn from it, and leave it behind.
I am not going to evaluate why my husband cheated, or all that was wrong with our marriage, I have done enough of that. The part I need to analyze is why after losing 90 lbs over the course of several years, staying at 90 lbs down for the better part of a year, and feeling really great about what I had done I started to gain weight back.
At first the weight gain was slow, the first 4 months I was only up 10 lbs. Only? you might say, but that was honestly pretty good. Eating had always been my method of coping with any emotion, so the fact that I was dealing with every emotion imaginable and I managed to have some semblance of control was pretty good actually. The problem was that I didn’t nip it in the bud. I didn’t stop it at 10, or even 20. Over the course of the next 29 months, as the ugliness and stress of a separation increased, I gained 50 lbs back. Writing that makes me so sad. I had gained back over half the weight I had lost.
I saw myself getting bigger, my cloths weren’t fitting, I felt crappy, but I felt like I was powerless to stop.  The eating just continued and continued. When I look back I know that part of me thought “I lost all this weight, I looked hot, and he still didn’t love me, he still cheated.” I felt like I was indeed unlovable. It should have been no surprise that those 50 lbs came back. I wasn’t weighing myself, so I could stay in denial, but one day in July of 2010, for whatever reason, I did get on a scale. I was 204. I was shocked, I cried and cried. Back over 200 and a gain of exactly 50 lbs. I was so sad and so mad. But the bottom line, in my mind, was that the weight gain just confirmed that I was a loser.
Seeing that I was back over 200 lbs did shock me enough to make me decide that I needed to get control of my life again. All the reasons I had for wanting to get fit in the first place were still real. I wanted to be healthy. I wanted to live a long time for my child. I wanted to be able to be active with her. I wanted to feel good about how I looked and felt.
So I started to really think about what I had actually done when I lost weight the first time. I decided that I would mimic those behaviours again. They had worked once for me, they would work again.
I have thought a lot about what the key components were, and if you have read this blog you know that I really felt like it was pretty simple. Drink lots of water. Get to bed on time so I could get up in the morning to workout for 20 mins. Walk the dog every day. Try to be active whenever the opportunity arose throughout the day. Really evaluate everything I was eating. Be aware of my portion sizes.
I knew what I needed to do, and I knew how to do it, but it took me awhile to get back on track. By Oct 30, ’10 I had only gotten to 197.8. A loss, yes, I left 200 behind, woo hoo! But please...6 lbs in 3 1/3 months. I’m all for taking it off slowly, and not feeling deprived, but maybe I was taking that not feeling deprived theory a bit too far!