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Tuesday, 8 March 2011

More background

So I have toiled over this next post. I have written a few and this it attempt number 3. First one was long and detailed. I decided no one wanted to read all that and I would bore people to death.  I spent some time I wondering why I was concerned about what complete strangers and people I will likely never meet think.
Attempt number 2 didn’t address the continuation of my journey at all. But then I thought that wasn’t right either. After all, I had said I was going to continue, and totally ignoring the past might not be considered healthy either.
So....
Aforementioned guy and I had been dating for about 2 years, and living together for 1. It is about 1986. I find out he screwed around on me. I am devastated. He is sorry, he cries, he weeps, he begs, he promises. I believe.
I decide that anyone can make a mistake. I love him, he loves me. We move on.
I start to think of why it happened in the first place. Of all possible conclusions I decide that I must have somehow been responsible. It must be because I was fat. (I weighed about 135lbs after all!!)
Time goes on, things seem wonderful. We are happy. We are in love . Things are going along just fine. I often wondered if it would happen again. I sometimes wondered if it was happening again. I sometimes was very sure it was happening again, but I had no concrete proof and wrote it off as being insecure and paranoid.  I gradually gained weight.
About 8 years later, (1993) I find out that he was thinking about cheating again. Again I am devastated. Again he is sorry, he cries, he weeps, he begs, he promises.  I believe and I forgive. After all , he didn’t actually go through with it. And really, who could blame him for looking and thinking. By this time I weighed about 200 lbs.
We got through it. I lost about  40 lbs. We were happy. We were moving on.
About  4 years after (1997)that we decide to get married. 1 year later we were married(1998). 15 months after that we have a baby (1999). Because I was back up to about 190lbs again when I got pregnant the Dr recommended I should be really careful as to how much weight I gained. I was very very careful to eat well, and only gained 25 lbs during my pregnancy, which came off very quickly after the baby came. I was being careful about what I ate, but honestly, when I look back I now know the weight came off so easily because of the breastfeeding and the post-partum depression, (but that is another post.) I continued to lose weight, and got down to about 170 over the next few years.
As thrilled as I was to be a new Mom, I was having a hard time. I was in denial about the post-partum. My husband was working more and more. We had decided that I would stay home, so he had the extra pressure of being the sole bread winner, plus things between us seemed to be becoming distant.
When our child was about 2, we decided to go to counselling in an effort to figure out what was going on with each of us and in our marriage. We went for about 6 months. It didn’t help. We were still distant. The tension was increasing, although we never fought, we lived more and more separate lives. I think we both acknowledge to ourselves that we aren't happy, but neither of us is going anywhere.
O.k. that is enough of me for tonight. I have blogs to read after all!! I will post again soon.