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Sunday, 27 November 2011

I am going to start to get back to posting here, slowly...

Hi... to anyone who may see this. Sorry I have not posted since... May? Part of the reason I haven't posted is that I feel like there is so much to catch up on, and doing all that catching up would take more time to write and more time for you to read than is good for either of us. Maybe I can let go of some of that perfection and just start to post again.
 I am sad, so sad to say that not much has changed since May. Ex-husband is more angry than ever, and more mean and unreasonable than ever. He isn't as mean an some ex's and I know that I can never control his actions, only my re-action, and I am working on that, but all to often I self-mediate with food.  I have fallen off the taking care of me path. I have gained back a bunch of weight. I honestly don't know how much I weigh at the moment, how bad is that?? I am guessing that I have gained about 40 lbs from my lowest point in Feb of '08. Even typing that makes me sad. Just think of where I could be if in these last almost 4 years I have been working on improving all areas of my life instead of sabotaging them!! I guess if there is an upside, if I indeed have only gained 40 lbs, (only!!) that means that I am still down 50 lbs from where I started at 244.

It makes me so sad/mad that here is another winter, Christmas, New Year upon us, and I am still stuck!!! I have been invited to a Christmas party that I really would like to go to, but I don't know if I can. I know those of you that read and reply will say GO! but I am so embarrassed at where and what I am right now. It seems like I am 2 people, or rather I have 2 sets of standards. If I had a friend that was thinking of hiding away because she was not where she wanted to be in her life I would tell her to stop, that there is more to her than her weight, she is a great person, and not everyone cares how much she weighs. I would tell her that she will be an asset to the party, she is fun to be around, and really, no one cares how much she does or does not weigh. However...  I can't seem to believe those words when they are applied to myself. I need to decide, I need to RSVP. I need to  see if I have anything to wear, or if I can justify spending some money on something fat to wear. (I always hate spending money on 'fat' cloths, but now more than ever.) I still am not getting any child support from my ex, and I am ashamed to say that  my depression/ perfection has kept me from going out and making a career for myself, so I am living day to day. Another factor is that there will only be 1 person that I know at this party, the hostess, and I really hate the idea of meeting a bunch of new people in this body. I guess maybe if I go with the attitude that I will never see them again anyway, who cares? But I would like to meet new people, but not as the sad and sorry person I am, but as the fit and confident person I was a million years ago and want to be again.
I intend to weigh myself tomorrow. I'll let you know where I'm at.

1 comment:

  1. I am sorry that you are having troubles. Maybe if you could get the mindset that your eating and weight are something you CAN control. You cannot control your ex. You cannot control others at the party or their perceptions of you. If this is the first time they meet you, they won't know you used to be at a lower weight. If you can get your eating in control perhaps that would give you the confidence you need to take control of other areas of your life. It's a good place to start. Sounds like you need something good to happen. I think controlling your food intake would be a great place to start.