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Thursday, 19 May 2011

I don't know where to start

So... I  haven't been posting, I haven't been exercising, I haven't been eating anything I should. I am right on the cusp of being depressed.
I need, NEED  to find a way to not let my soon to be ex- husband's meanness get to me. I don't want him back. I don't love him. I don't like him. I don't want to speak to him or be around him. I know that my life is better, and most importantly my child's life is better with us living apart, but he still gets to me.
He has been calling me names since we separated. When he is doing it, and right after I just laugh, remove myself from the situation and feel sorry for him that he is so unhappy, and that he is such a child, but within a short period of time I am crying. Not in front of him, but I cry at how hurtful it is. We were together for 23 years and although our life together is over, it hurts me that he hates me so much. Because the personal contact was deteriorating, generally we don't talk, I try to communicate with him via texts, or email, that seems to be less emotionally charged, but lately he has taken to calling and leaving me voice messages and calling me a do###bag.
I know I can't control his actions, and I know that I shouldn't continue to give him this kind of power over me, but it is sooo upsetting to me. When I am upset, I eat. (Not that he forced the food into my mouth when we were together, but I didn't have a good coping mechanism when we were married either and my sadness, and hurt during our marriage caused me to allow my weight to get to 244)
I got so much better, I wasn't thinking about him and what was wrong, I was thinking about what was right. I lost lots of weight, and was really happy. I don't know why this time it is different? I don't know why this new onslaught has me so upset. It makes me mad that he still has this control over me, or rather that I ALLOW him to have this control over me. I just know I am tired of being fat, I am tired of feeling sad, I'm tired of being so tired. Sadness and depression, not to mention not working out, and not eating well is exhausting. I am tired of having this nauseous feeling in my stomach all the time that only eating stuff that isn't good for me seems to temporarily suppress.
I will get back on track. I will get to where I want to be with regard to my health. I will discover a way to stop allowing a person who wishes nothing good for me to have such control over my life...

4 comments:

  1. first of all, i've gotta say that i totally feel you. i have never been through a bad break up/divorce, but i've been there with the emotional eating and the constant self-deteriorating cycle. and i know that if i don't watcch out, i can fall back off track. but hey, it's not the end. you know that it's not the end. the first step was blogging about your feelings. now pick yourself back up! you're tired of being so tired. as long as you keep on keepin' on, you're not a failure! you only fail when you stop trying! *hugs* :)

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  2. You need to feel like you are in control of something. It can be your eating and exercising. You cannot control him; he is fighting battles of his own. Breakups like this are never easy and it is going to take time for you to feel whole again. I heard once that a divorce - even when it's a bad marriage - is like losing someone who died. Both of you are dealing with feelings of failure and regrets - all the "what if's" and so much more. You are beginning a new chapter in your life. You can only go forward and the grieving is a part of the process. You will come out on the other side a better, wiser person. Have you prayed about this? I will pray for you this very night.

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  3. You know what would really piss him off/ annoy him/ hurt him? To see you happy. To see how well you are doing without him. And that can be seen as you lose weight. I have been here. Being newly single adds an element of motivation to the weight loss table.

    I agree with downsizers. Once you start working out and eating healthy, the weight will come off and you will feel so in control of your life and yourself. Losing weight is so tedious until you start seeing results- and then you just love it so much you want to keep doing it.

    I totally feel for you in this situation. Also keep in mind that when you hate someone, it is because they still bother you, still impact you, etc. Hating you is probably his coping mechanism to deal with the hurt of a divorce. When I broke up with my ex (he broke up with me), I immediately turned to anger as a way to not be sad. I can see that now, so maybe it's whats going on here. Stay positive, and do what's best for you.

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  4. Please come back to Blog Land and keep us posted on what's going on for you! It seems like you've had a lot to deal with lately. Sometimes, just venting helps. Sometimes, you find comfort in sharing your experiences with perfect strangers who happen to understand what you're going through. Come on back...pleeeease!

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