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Friday, 8 April 2011

Why I'm Living in the Past

I know that the things I have been writing about happened over 3 years ago. I just want to clear up why I am “Living in the past.”  It is an effort on my part to better understand not only the impact these events had on me, but why I reacted to them the way I did.  I’m hoping that by going back and looking at that time in my life, I can learn from it, and leave it behind.
I am not going to evaluate why my husband cheated, or all that was wrong with our marriage, I have done enough of that. The part I need to analyze is why after losing 90 lbs over the course of several years, staying at 90 lbs down for the better part of a year, and feeling really great about what I had done I started to gain weight back.
At first the weight gain was slow, the first 4 months I was only up 10 lbs. Only? you might say, but that was honestly pretty good. Eating had always been my method of coping with any emotion, so the fact that I was dealing with every emotion imaginable and I managed to have some semblance of control was pretty good actually. The problem was that I didn’t nip it in the bud. I didn’t stop it at 10, or even 20. Over the course of the next 29 months, as the ugliness and stress of a separation increased, I gained 50 lbs back. Writing that makes me so sad. I had gained back over half the weight I had lost.
I saw myself getting bigger, my cloths weren’t fitting, I felt crappy, but I felt like I was powerless to stop.  The eating just continued and continued. When I look back I know that part of me thought “I lost all this weight, I looked hot, and he still didn’t love me, he still cheated.” I felt like I was indeed unlovable. It should have been no surprise that those 50 lbs came back. I wasn’t weighing myself, so I could stay in denial, but one day in July of 2010, for whatever reason, I did get on a scale. I was 204. I was shocked, I cried and cried. Back over 200 and a gain of exactly 50 lbs. I was so sad and so mad. But the bottom line, in my mind, was that the weight gain just confirmed that I was a loser.
Seeing that I was back over 200 lbs did shock me enough to make me decide that I needed to get control of my life again. All the reasons I had for wanting to get fit in the first place were still real. I wanted to be healthy. I wanted to live a long time for my child. I wanted to be able to be active with her. I wanted to feel good about how I looked and felt.
So I started to really think about what I had actually done when I lost weight the first time. I decided that I would mimic those behaviours again. They had worked once for me, they would work again.
I have thought a lot about what the key components were, and if you have read this blog you know that I really felt like it was pretty simple. Drink lots of water. Get to bed on time so I could get up in the morning to workout for 20 mins. Walk the dog every day. Try to be active whenever the opportunity arose throughout the day. Really evaluate everything I was eating. Be aware of my portion sizes.
I knew what I needed to do, and I knew how to do it, but it took me awhile to get back on track. By Oct 30, ’10 I had only gotten to 197.8. A loss, yes, I left 200 behind, woo hoo! But please...6 lbs in 3 1/3 months. I’m all for taking it off slowly, and not feeling deprived, but maybe I was taking that not feeling deprived theory a bit too far!


  1. As I have read your last two posts I began to wonder "why" you lost the weight the first time. If it was for the relationship and then it wasn't what you had hoped for, why maintain the loss? It seems you may be starting a new life now so this time do it for the right reason - you. Several new beginnings are coming your way I think so accept them and make them something that will serve you for the good.

  2. I agree with downsizers, you ultimately have to do it for you. Start over this time for you! If you focus on it and give it what you already know it takes, you'll do it again! I do think its good to be able to go back and learn from that past tho, if it can help you in the present and future.