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Wednesday, 6 April 2011

Another turning point

My husband was having an affair again. After I found out who she was I realised that my husband had introduced our child to this woman on several occasions. He had even brought this woman to our house to give her guitar lessons when our child was here a few times. In November of 2007 my husband told me that she had gotten 4 free tickets to a production of “A Christmas Carol.” She invited my husband, and our child to go with her and her child. At the time I didn’t know they were having an affair, so it didn’t bother me that they were all going together. I was just glad that my child could have a chance to see the professional production. Also in November of that year I met her at a Christmas function for my husband’s work. He suggested that we sit at her table because she had some empty seats. She was there with her child, and her sister and 2 nephews.  I had that little voice in my head that made me  suspected that he was having an affair with her, but I didn’t have any proof, and because I wasn’t ready to do anything about it I didn’t search for the truth too hard.  When I met her that day at that Christmas function, she said a few things to me that a casual friend wouldn’t have known. So I became more suspicious. I later found out that he had brought her to our home and they had sex here on at least a few occasions.  When I knew for sure, obviously I was so upset and so humiliated....again.
I was torn. I didn’t want to end my marriage. I had been with this man for 23 years. We had loved each other once. We had gotten through his affairs before, I had moved on, or so I thought. Mostly though, I didn’t want my child to be from a broken home, but I came to realise that we were living in a broken home. I realised I didn’t want the dysfunctional relationship that my husband and I had to be what she grew up and aspired to. I finally understood that my husband would never stop cheating and he was now making really risky decisions with regard to having our child around his other women. I knew that one day our child would find out and it would destroy her relationship with her dad. It would also likely mess her up with regard to her future relationships with men. I wanted her to have a good relationship with her dad. I have a great relationship with my Dad, and I acknowledged that even though my husband is a sh%&&y husband, he is a good dad. He loves his child very much, and I wanted her to have that kind of support in her corner throughout her life. Strangely enough, although he had caught an STD early in our relationship that I luckily never got, it never occurred to me that he could catch something more serious and give it to me. Denial... it isn’t just a river in Egypt... Once I woke up to this, we stopped having sex.
I had been a stay at home Mom, out of the work force for 8 years.  I was scared. What could I do to support us? I was 45 years old, I didn’t have a degree. I was trying to figure out what I would do, maybe get a job and put some money away so that I would be more able to support us. I was also trying to get the courage and a plan to end it. Things didn’t go as planned, and now looking back I know it’s a good thing. I would have planned and planned and never moved forward. So when one day in Feb of ’08 my husband asked me why I had been acting so bitchy. (Well honestly, he said something else, much meaner and cruder, but it is not worth repeating here.) I told him I didn’t want to talk about it right then, I didn’t feel ready, and I had to go and get our child from school in about 1 hour. He kept pushing. I finally told him that the reason I was acting the way I was, was because he was screwing around again and I was done. I wanted the marriage to be over. He was shocked that I knew, and he of course denied it. I hadn’t planned on telling him I knew about the affair yet, or that I wanted to end the marriage. I wanted to have a plan and I didn't.


  1. This is tough. I wish I knew what to say but unfortunately there is only the truth. I have never been through a divorce so I can't even say "I understand". I do think unless you both want to save it and both are willing to go to counseling, it is over. There is no need to put it off. It will hurt but it must be done. Hopefully you have a supportive family.

  2. Thank you for you kind words of support. It really does mean a lot to me that you read and took time to comment. In my next blog I will update things more and bring us nearer to the present time.