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Wednesday, 27 April 2011

Dare I say it... I think I'm starting to feel better?

Well, I'm not as sick as I was. I still feel quite far under the weather, but I am on the upswing. Yeah!
I haven't weighed myself, I think I will do that tomorrow. I know it isn't going to be good news, but sometimes life gets in the way, and hopefully it will not be too big of a setback. I haven't done any exercise either. I think I will do something tomorrow. At least walk the dog, she will be glad about that, she hasn't been too impressed with no walks, but thankfully we have a big yard so she has been getting her exercise chasing birds. I would like to actually get some real exercise, but I don't want to push my luck, I'll play it by ear.

Monday, 25 April 2011

uggg still sick

Yes I am still feeling crappy. I don't have the energy to exercise, I am not eating well, and I have not been weighing myself. I can only imagine what the scale will bring when I do get back on. But what will be will be....
Hopefully I will get back on track soon.

Saturday, 23 April 2011


Well the sore throat that I got last Sunday, and fought all week, turned to a full blown cold on Thursday. I have been doing a bit of exercise, but I just don't have the energy to do much. I haven't been weighing myself either, I haven't been careful with what I'm eating, I eat what I have the energy to make, or what I can get in quick.
Yesterday even though I felt really crappy, I helped my parents move out of the house they have lived in since 1969. They needed the help, and that was moving day, so you just have to go...I worked for 10 hours, and that was very, very hard.
Hopefully I will feel better soon, so I have energy to work out, and get back on track. I know I have gained weight, but I'm not stressed about it, I feel to crappy to bother.

Tuesday, 19 April 2011

Weight is up and I'm sick...

Sunday evening while driving home I started to feel a little tickle in my throat. By Sunday night my throat was really quite sore, and I was feeling wiped out. Throughout the night my throat got sorer, and by Monday morning I was miserable. I didn’t work out on Monday, I didn’t walk, I did nothing. Even came home and had a nap in the afternoon I was feeling so tired. I have to be feeling pretty darn crappy to nap in the day. I gargled with a salt water mixture several times throughout the day, in hopes of killing whatever bad was going on in my throat. I had about 1450 calories on Monday.
My weight was up to 173.3 today. Obviously I'm not too thrilled about that, but since I never eat salt I am thinking that there is a really good chance I have retained some extra water because of all the salt water gargling I did yesterday. I didn't drink as much water as I should have, hot tea and juice felt better. No exercise has to play a part as well, but hey, I felt really bad. Time will tell.
I have been thinking a lot about the fact that I want to lose fat and not muscle, which happens to a lot of people when we are losing weight and we don’t even know it. Sweet Pea gave me a link, thanks Sweet Pea, and from that link I found this one.
This article makes sense to me, and now I'm researching the best way to burn fat while working out. I have been reading about circuit training, although it is called a number of things, the premise is that you gradually increase and decrease the intensity during your workout to reach your target fat burning heart rate, then drop it down again, then back up several times during a workout. The common school of thought is that our heart rate has to be within that 'fat burning zone.' If it's too low we aren't going to lose weight,  or if it's too high the weight we lose will be muscle tissue .
It seems the first step is to find our resting heart rate. I have seen the recommendation in a number of places to take your heart rate in the morning when you first wake up, before you get up. It is suggested we do this for anywhere from a few days to a few weeks to get an accurate measurement. I’m going to put a paper and pencil beside my bed to start to track my resting heart rate tomorrow. Hopefully I’ll remember to do it before I sit up.

Monday, 18 April 2011

Really boring post... I would just pass on this one.. really.

I was in bed on time Friday, didn’t have the lights out until about 12 though, I wasn’t worried, I knew I could sleep in a little Saturday. I didn’t drink quite enough water on Saturday. I went out of town again, so no time for the gym, or a walk. I did about ¾ of an hour of very light arm exercises, and did the stomach and butt flexing I mentioned yesterday while I was driving, and I also did squats while brushing my teeth. Once I got to my friends I worked on hands and knees doing more staining again for about 6 hours.
Saturday’s total calories was 1305. Saturday mornings weight was 172.8.
Yesterday Sweet Pea commented that she thought my goal of 2.7 lbs per week might be high and I might be setting myself up for disappointment. I agree that a weight loss of 2.7 lbs per week likely isn’t realistic, if I want to be losing fat and not muscle. However this is the number that I’m shooting for. This number is what I am going to remind myself of on those occasions, like today, when someone offers me ‘the best chocolate bar ever.' It is my goal, even if I don’t make it I feel optimistic that I can get close to that number, at least for the first few, maybe several weeks, because I’m just starting out seriously again. Also, for me, if I pick a higher number, one the is really just on the cusp of being out of reach, I am less likely to cheat, otherwise I have been known to think I will make my number even if I cheat a little. Of course, time will tell if my plan for the next few weeks works or not.
No weigh in Sunday, I didn’t feel there is any point doing it on a different scale. Because I went out for breakfast on Sunday morning and had a half order of eggs benedict and about a 1/4 cup of deep fried hashbrowns I really can only guess at my daily calories, I think it was about 1200.  I spent a few more hours working on those baseboards and trim and I also did some light arm and stomach exercises as well. My weight this morning was 172.2.
I have decided I want to do some more research on how we can be sure we are losing fat and not muscle when we drop lbs. Does anyone anything about this?

Saturday, 16 April 2011

My computer skills... lol

Apparently I need to work on my computer savvy. When I previewed yesterdays post all those numbers were in a nice little line, then when I posted, they when all ‘haywire’ as my Mom would say. I am writing my posts in Word, then doing the copy/ paste thing, maybe that isn’t the best plan.
Thursday night I got to bed on time. Friday I did well with the water. I got to the gym for 30 min on the rowing machine, then did an upper body weight routine. I also walked for 30 mins. Extra movement consisted of squats while brushing my teeth and alternating between flexing and releasing my stomach muscles and glutes while driving for a count of 100 each.
Friday’s food;
Toast, marg, peanut butter, milk                                                                                               400
Large orange                                                                                                                              100
Other half of the healthy choice steamer with extra rice I had the other day       
(No green beans this time)                                                                                                        210
12 whole almonds                                                                                                                       84
Pizza, 1 glass of 1% milk                                                                                                            605
                                                                                                                      Total                   1399         
Today’s weight was 172.8. Another baby step in the right direction, baby steps are good.
Another goal that I thought of, although it isn’t a tangible one, is this July I would like to attend a weekend car race event near my home. I would really like to go feeling good, or even great about how I look. I know this is a hard goal to nail down for me, because one day I will think I look pretty good, and then the next day, (heck, sometimes the next hour) I don’t feel at all good about how I think I look. So I guess maybe I need to tweak this goal somehow. Maybe I need to say I want to be able to be there not beating myself up because I have wasted time and if I had worked harder I would be closer to my goal. I’ll give this more thought. Does your mind play tricks on you too about how you look? Have you found a way to be more objective?

Friday, 15 April 2011

Apparently physical labour counts...

As I mentioned I went out of town on Wednesday, so the day was all messed up. I didn’t go to the gym, or do any of the exercises that I said I would do. What I did instead was stain, then rub off said stain on baseboards, chair rails, and door trim for 10 hours. Most of this work was done on hands and knees, I was really tired at the end of the day, and Thursday I could feel that my arms had been busy.
I drank the water I was supposed to, but the eating was bad. Daily total was only about 1000 calories. We were too busy and focused to eat, then when we finished at midnight (nope didn’t make it to bed by 11 all I wanted to do was shower and go to bed.
Thursday I came home. But later in the day, so no walk, no gym.
Food for Thursday:
Tim Hortons breakfast sandwich.              `                                                                               430
250 ml 2% milk                                                                                                                           110
Large pear apple                                                                                                                        100
¼ C mashed potatoes, really no idea on these...                                                                      200
½ C steamed kernel corn                                                                                                             80
Barber broccoli stuffed chicken breast                                                                                      230
1 glass 1% milk                                                                                                                           110
                                                                                                                                Total          1260
Weight this morning was 173.3. So that means I met my weight loss goal for this week early. Woo hoo! So I will just reset it and say I want to lose 3 lbs in the next week. Bedtime, water, walking, gym, extra activity, and tracking calorie goals are the same.
I need to work on some mid and long term goals but I’m having some trouble with this. I would like to think of some non-scale goals, but for now, I’m thinking of one related to weight. In 5 weeks it is the May long weekend and I would really like to be in the 150’s, 159.9 would do. I know this is a pretty high goal. In order for me to reach it, I would have to consistently lose 2.7 lbs per week, but I want to live my life as I lose the weight. What so you think? Is this realistic? Do you think it's too high?

Thursday, 14 April 2011

1 day late

I went out of town on Wednesday, so I was going to post this on Wednesday and didn't. Better late than never?
I’m not sure what format my blog is going to take now that I’ve decided to get serious about getting fit. I don’t know if I am going to post my food, activities, and weight daily or if that will be; a) too time consuming, and b) too boring. I guess we’ll all see how it goes. I know for sure I’m not going to write in the water or tea. Just know that I’m drinking both throughout the day.
Food for Tuesday:
1 piece of toast, Becel margarine, peanut butter. 1 glass of 1% milk.                         400
Small orange.                                                                                                                   50
I piece leftover pizza.                                                                                                      330
Large orange                                                                                                                    100
½ Healthy choice gourmet steamer with ½ C added rice, ½ C  green beans                  225
1 glass of milk                                                                                                                  110
                                                                                                              Total                  1215
Activity for Tuesday;                                                                                                 
Upper body weights
30 min walk
Weight for Wednesday the 13th was 175.9. I feel like I did fairly well with the food and water Tuesday. Sweet Pea you asked about how much water I plan to drink, and what calorie number I am shooting for. I should have been clearer. I’m shooting for a glass of water an hour for about 11 hours. Hopefully I’ll be finished by no later than about 7 or 8 p.m. For a total of about 88 ozs.  I’m going to be shooting for about 1500 calories. I know this could be higher according to this website and others. I admit I was hungry last night at about 10, but felt it was too late to eat, I think going to bed a bit hungry is not a bad thing anyway. I decided to go to bed and read for awhile to get me away from the kitchen.

Tuesday, 12 April 2011

Time to get serious.

So from the time I stepped on the scale in July of 2010 and was shocked to see that I was back over 200 lbs, until the end of Oct of that year I had only gotten to  197.8 lbs. Obviously I needed to stop pretending I wanted to lose weight and actually get to it.
By the end of November I was down a little more. I weighted 186.1 lbs. This was a loss of 11.7 lbs in about a month. I was happy with that.
The end of December my weight was 182.5 lbs. Not great, but a loss none the less, and a loss over the Christmas season.
At the end of January, 2011, I was down to 179.7 lbs. A full 2.8 lbs!!! The end of February I was 177.3 lbs. Another 2.4 lbs. down. The middle of March... 178.1, a gain of .8 of a lbs... That was almost 5 months and overall I lost 19.7 lbs. Woooo hoooo!!  (There really should be a font that lets you know that the comment is dripping with sarcasm.)
Now I know than on one hand this shouldn't be downplayed too much. It was 20 lbs (almost) after all. It could have been less, or hell, it could have been a gain in that time. I need to acknowledge that cloths that were not fitting 20 lbs ago I can now get on, and cloths that were too tight are comfortable now. But I certainly wasn’t losing the weight as fast as I wanted or as I could. So it is time to get more proactive, time to stop playing around with getting fit, time to set some short term and long term goals and time to get serious.
So this morning I weighted 177.5.  I would like to get to 139. Why 139? Well that would be a loss of 105 lbs. “I lost over a 100 lbs,” sounds good, and because 139 gets me into the "30's". Once I get there my plan is to stay there for awhile and see how it looks and feels. I’ll decide if that is where I want to stay, or if I want to lose more at that time. But that is a little ways away yet.  
When I lost 90 lbs the first time, I never weighed myself for almost the first year. I just kept on doing what I knew I needed to do, and the weight came off. My body got healthier and smaller, that's what counted. I would push on. But I now feel like I play too many mind games with myself so I have decided to weight myself everyday.
My short term goals for this week are:
-Get to bed on time, lights out by 11p.m.
-Drink water. Not sure of the amount I am going to shoot for yet, but I am thinking a glass an hour.
-Walk at least 30 minutes every day.
-Get to the gym for 30 mins of cardio plus weight training 4 days this week.
-Sneak in as much extra activity as I can.
-Keep track of what I eat, track my calories.
-Lose 3.0 lbs. Not what I will shoot for every week, but generally the first week produces good results.
I will add my mid and long term goals soon. Thanks for reading. I look forward to getting serious about kicking this weight to the curb, being fit, and feeling hot!! For you younger readers, yes... a 48 yo woman can feel hot! Lol.

Friday, 8 April 2011

Why I'm Living in the Past

I know that the things I have been writing about happened over 3 years ago. I just want to clear up why I am “Living in the past.”  It is an effort on my part to better understand not only the impact these events had on me, but why I reacted to them the way I did.  I’m hoping that by going back and looking at that time in my life, I can learn from it, and leave it behind.
I am not going to evaluate why my husband cheated, or all that was wrong with our marriage, I have done enough of that. The part I need to analyze is why after losing 90 lbs over the course of several years, staying at 90 lbs down for the better part of a year, and feeling really great about what I had done I started to gain weight back.
At first the weight gain was slow, the first 4 months I was only up 10 lbs. Only? you might say, but that was honestly pretty good. Eating had always been my method of coping with any emotion, so the fact that I was dealing with every emotion imaginable and I managed to have some semblance of control was pretty good actually. The problem was that I didn’t nip it in the bud. I didn’t stop it at 10, or even 20. Over the course of the next 29 months, as the ugliness and stress of a separation increased, I gained 50 lbs back. Writing that makes me so sad. I had gained back over half the weight I had lost.
I saw myself getting bigger, my cloths weren’t fitting, I felt crappy, but I felt like I was powerless to stop.  The eating just continued and continued. When I look back I know that part of me thought “I lost all this weight, I looked hot, and he still didn’t love me, he still cheated.” I felt like I was indeed unlovable. It should have been no surprise that those 50 lbs came back. I wasn’t weighing myself, so I could stay in denial, but one day in July of 2010, for whatever reason, I did get on a scale. I was 204. I was shocked, I cried and cried. Back over 200 and a gain of exactly 50 lbs. I was so sad and so mad. But the bottom line, in my mind, was that the weight gain just confirmed that I was a loser.
Seeing that I was back over 200 lbs did shock me enough to make me decide that I needed to get control of my life again. All the reasons I had for wanting to get fit in the first place were still real. I wanted to be healthy. I wanted to live a long time for my child. I wanted to be able to be active with her. I wanted to feel good about how I looked and felt.
So I started to really think about what I had actually done when I lost weight the first time. I decided that I would mimic those behaviours again. They had worked once for me, they would work again.
I have thought a lot about what the key components were, and if you have read this blog you know that I really felt like it was pretty simple. Drink lots of water. Get to bed on time so I could get up in the morning to workout for 20 mins. Walk the dog every day. Try to be active whenever the opportunity arose throughout the day. Really evaluate everything I was eating. Be aware of my portion sizes.
I knew what I needed to do, and I knew how to do it, but it took me awhile to get back on track. By Oct 30, ’10 I had only gotten to 197.8. A loss, yes, I left 200 behind, woo hoo! But please...6 lbs in 3 1/3 months. I’m all for taking it off slowly, and not feeling deprived, but maybe I was taking that not feeling deprived theory a bit too far!

Wednesday, 6 April 2011

Another turning point

My husband was having an affair again. After I found out who she was I realised that my husband had introduced our child to this woman on several occasions. He had even brought this woman to our house to give her guitar lessons when our child was here a few times. In November of 2007 my husband told me that she had gotten 4 free tickets to a production of “A Christmas Carol.” She invited my husband, and our child to go with her and her child. At the time I didn’t know they were having an affair, so it didn’t bother me that they were all going together. I was just glad that my child could have a chance to see the professional production. Also in November of that year I met her at a Christmas function for my husband’s work. He suggested that we sit at her table because she had some empty seats. She was there with her child, and her sister and 2 nephews.  I had that little voice in my head that made me  suspected that he was having an affair with her, but I didn’t have any proof, and because I wasn’t ready to do anything about it I didn’t search for the truth too hard.  When I met her that day at that Christmas function, she said a few things to me that a casual friend wouldn’t have known. So I became more suspicious. I later found out that he had brought her to our home and they had sex here on at least a few occasions.  When I knew for sure, obviously I was so upset and so humiliated....again.
I was torn. I didn’t want to end my marriage. I had been with this man for 23 years. We had loved each other once. We had gotten through his affairs before, I had moved on, or so I thought. Mostly though, I didn’t want my child to be from a broken home, but I came to realise that we were living in a broken home. I realised I didn’t want the dysfunctional relationship that my husband and I had to be what she grew up and aspired to. I finally understood that my husband would never stop cheating and he was now making really risky decisions with regard to having our child around his other women. I knew that one day our child would find out and it would destroy her relationship with her dad. It would also likely mess her up with regard to her future relationships with men. I wanted her to have a good relationship with her dad. I have a great relationship with my Dad, and I acknowledged that even though my husband is a sh%&&y husband, he is a good dad. He loves his child very much, and I wanted her to have that kind of support in her corner throughout her life. Strangely enough, although he had caught an STD early in our relationship that I luckily never got, it never occurred to me that he could catch something more serious and give it to me. Denial... it isn’t just a river in Egypt... Once I woke up to this, we stopped having sex.
I had been a stay at home Mom, out of the work force for 8 years.  I was scared. What could I do to support us? I was 45 years old, I didn’t have a degree. I was trying to figure out what I would do, maybe get a job and put some money away so that I would be more able to support us. I was also trying to get the courage and a plan to end it. Things didn’t go as planned, and now looking back I know it’s a good thing. I would have planned and planned and never moved forward. So when one day in Feb of ’08 my husband asked me why I had been acting so bitchy. (Well honestly, he said something else, much meaner and cruder, but it is not worth repeating here.) I told him I didn’t want to talk about it right then, I didn’t feel ready, and I had to go and get our child from school in about 1 hour. He kept pushing. I finally told him that the reason I was acting the way I was, was because he was screwing around again and I was done. I wanted the marriage to be over. He was shocked that I knew, and he of course denied it. I hadn’t planned on telling him I knew about the affair yet, or that I wanted to end the marriage. I wanted to have a plan and I didn't.

Sunday, 3 April 2011

Rewind and Fast Forward

As I mentioned in February of 2005 my brother in law was killed suddenly in a car accident. It was shocking, horrible and reminded me how fragile and fickle life is. That event along with others made me decide that I needed to change my life.
I worked at getting fit everyday by really evaluating everything I was eating, doing 20 minutes of Pilate's at least 5 days a week, and getting enough sleep. I wasn’t monitoring my weight. I actually didn’t weight myself at all, but my clothes were no longer fitting, and within several months I went from size 3X to 2X to 1X, then XL. I was feeling really good about myself, maybe for the first time in my life.  I could see my body change, I could do things that I couldn’t do for years. I have to say that I was happy. I felt like maybe my relationship with my husband was changing too.
WARNING: Adult material to follow, you might want to skip to the next paragraph if you don’t want to have TMI about my relationship with my husband. My husband and I were always quite sexual. Even when I was at my largest, we were still physically intimate at least a few times a week. This is something that most of my friends don’t understand, but even when we didn’t really like each other much, we were coming together to have sex. Well once I started to feel better about myself, the times we were physically intimate increased. I have to admit I hoped that once I lost weight our relationship would improve, and the cheating would stop, but because our relationship was so damaged, and we never had good communication the relationship didn’t improve.
In August of 2005 my Mother in law was diagnosed with cancer. This, of course, was another horrible blow to the family. We all felt sure that she would beat it, and she was very positive. In Sept my husband, myself and our child went out to see her before she started her treatments. I felt good about how I looked, I was significantly smaller than I was when I was there in Feb. Lots of people commented and that was satisfying.
I am so sad to say that my Mother in law died in December of 2005. She was a woman with a good heart; she loved all her children so much and was very good at showing it. From the first time she met me she was kind and welcoming. She talked to everyone she met, (she did love to and made everyone feel like she had known them for years. She was a really good woman. Even though when she died I had been  with her son for 20 years, because she lived so far away, I am sorry to say that I didn’t know her as well as I would have liked. I know that she went through so much in her life, and with the exception of when her son, (my brother in law) died, which would be too much for all mothers to bear, she always managed to stay positive and happy.  I admired that so much. Of course I still think of her often and miss her.
Her passing away 4 months after being diagnosed was such a shocking thing, and so sad. It helped to fuel my desire to be healthy though. She was fairly young and I had my child much later in life than she had her children, so I knew I had to do all that was within my control to stay healthy and be around as long as possible for my child.
In the early summer of 2006 we got a dog. I was walking her every day for at least 30 mins. Quite often I would actually walk her 2 times a day. I believe that walking is the magic bullet. Once I added walking to the other things I was doing the weight came off faster. Everything got more toned. Being outside was my good for my mental health, and even though there were and still are days I don’t feel like going, it is so very important to my overall fitness, not to mention my dogs.
By the late summer of 2007 I had lost 90 lbs. I weighed 154 lbs and I felt and looked so good!! I was wearing a size 10 and M for most cloths. I felt sexy, and pretty, and fit, and proud! I was wearing short skirts and jeans again, and my legs and butt were toned. My arms had definition, my stomach was flat. I was within 10 lbs of what I had decided would be my goal. Within 10 lbs of hitting the 100 lbs lost mark.
I had done it by doing Pilate's most days, walking every day, and watching and really evaluating what I was eating. Yes it had taken a few years, but I didn’t care. I felt like it was the best way to lose the weight for long term success and I was so happy with my accomplishment.
I stayed right around 154, up a few lbs, then back down a few, for 7 months. I felt like I had this. I was in control. I knew that I was never going to have a weight problem ever again. Maybe I was too confident, I don’t know, but life threw me a loop.

Saturday, 2 April 2011

Self Image

I have come to realise that my self image has been messed up probably all my life. O.k. maybe not all my life, but definitely since I was about 13. So what is that...almost 34 years?!
I remember like it was yesterday a well meaning Aunt telling me that I would need to watch my weight, because all the women in our family were heavy. She said that I didn’t need to worry too much yet, but I needed to be careful. I think I was 13 at the time. I remember thinking for the first time on that day about how I looked. Was I already fat? Is that why she was telling me this? Was it my destiny to be fat? (incidentally I wasn't fat, not at all, I was a healthy, very active fit kid.)
My Mom had been dieting all my life. I remember her constantly making comments about her weight, about what she could and couldn’t eat, and just generally about how she wasn’t pleased with her body. When my Mom and her sisters would get together, weight, weight loss and food were common topics of  conversation. How they were all too heavy, what they could do about it, and what they had done recently and what type of success they had. Let me just say that as I was growing up I always saw my Mom as overweight. I didn’t think she was fat, and I didn’t think that she was unhealthy, but because she always talked about it, I believed it. It wasn’t until years later when I was looking back at pictures of her that I was shocked to see in black and white, and color what size she actually was. When I was a young girl she actually wasn’t fat at all, but very ‘normal’ and she looked great! Like so many of us, her thinking became a self fulfilling prophesy, and she did get to be really overweight as the years went on. Because she had an unrealistic body image, I think I got one for myself as well. Let me be clear that I am not blaming my Mom for the ideas that she passed on to me. She was, and is, a great Mom and she was doing what she knew.
When I look back at pictures of myself from different stages of my life I see that there were really very few times in my life where the actual image in the photograph matched how I thought I looked. There were lots of times when I thought I was much bigger than I actually was. But, interestingly, there were also times when I thought I was smaller than the pictures showed I was.
So how do I get the image in my head to match what is reflected in the picture? Maybe what I need to do is actually take more pictures of myself, or maybe what I need to do is to say to hell with the pictures and think about how well I have been living? What my overall health is? How I feel? And how happy I am? Obviously I am constantly aware of the things I say and do and how they could be effecting my child. I am going to break the cycle of poor self image passed from one generation to the next.
Does your mental image match the image that is reflected in pictures? How do you feel about the difference, if there is one. Also, are you sending messages to your kids with your comments and actions without really thinking about the fact that it may not serve them well now and in the future?