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Tuesday, 15 March 2011

More background

Again I have to admit that I thought quite long about how to proceed here.
I will continue with my background information by saying the following...
Husband I stayed together for a number of years more. As I said we lived pretty separate lives, he was always working, I was raising our child. I now know that we were both so very unhappy. I think that we both resigned ourselves to the fact that this is what our lives would be, and neither of us would admit, even to ourselves, how unhappy we really were. We had a small child, and we had made a commitment.  Sadly our communication was less than zero, so we were unable to express in a way that the other one could understand what was going on in our heads. My ‘drug’ for comfort and consolation was food, his was infidelity. I have to admit that I played the ‘poor me’ card for a long, long time. Way too long. Yes he could have made different choices if he was unhappy, but so could I.

In 2005 there were a few life altering events that happened in his family that were devastating. Within a span of 10 months 2 close members of his family were dead. It was a wakeup call to me. I weighed 244 lbs.  at the time. One day I followed our young child up the stairs to the second floor of our house and I was huffing and puffing by the time I got to the top. I told myself that day that enough was enough! I decided that day that I would get to the point that I could run up the stairs without being out of breath. My child deserved a Mom that could run and play, not one that would be confined to the sidelines. I had a friend that had recently purchased some Pilates DVD’s. She wasn’t using them; I asked her if I could borrow them. The first time I tried to do the 20 minute workout, I couldn’t do several of the moves, and I was huffing like I was having some kind of an attack. I got through it however. I liked how it felt to sweat, I liked how it felt to be moving again and I liked that I was making steps towards my goal of being able to get up those stairs without being winded.
At first I floundered a bit with finding the time to do the workout. Like all of us, my days were already full, and finding the energy to workout at the end of the day when everything else was done wasn’t working. I decided that if I was going to make this happen I would have to get up in the morning, before my family and do that 20 minute workout then.  That is what I started to do. Every weekday morning I got up a little bit early and did the workout. On the weekends sometimes I would do it and sometimes not. It was empowering. I felt great. I soon noticed that I had more energy even though I was getting a little less sleep.
I wasn’t following any diet, per se, but I was watching my portions. Like all overweight, (o.k. obese people) I had a pretty good idea what I should be eating, I just wasn’t doing what I should. What I did decide to do was watch my portions. I also decided to eat when I was hungry and only to eat until I was no longer hungry. Sounds obvious I know, but there is a significant difference between eating until you are full and eating until you are no longer hungry.
I also stopped the late night snacking out of boredom and loneliness. If I was truly hungry I would have something healthy. Although I have to say that I had the mind flip from thinking that if I went to bed hungry I might die before the morning to the feeling that going to bed a bit hungry was o.k... even good.  In the evenings as I sat in front of the TV or computer I would do arm exercises. At first with no weight at all, keep in mind, I weighed 244 lbs and I was OUT OF SHAPE!! I gradually started to lift 1lbs weight, and then as I got stronger I would increase the weight in small increments.
Because my goal was not to lose weight but to become healthy and fit, I didn’t track my weight loss. What I did track was my lifestyle. Every day I would mark my progress on the calendar. If I worked out in the morning I would put a small sticker on that day. If I felt like I ate well that day, another sticker. If I did anything extra, like the arm exercises in the evening,  another sticker.  I loved looking at the calendar and seeing those stickers!!  I really have no idea how much weight I lost or how quickly. I do know that over the course of a few years I first got rid of those 2X cloths and got into 1X then to XL then OMG to L!!! I was trying to be more active generally, but mostly this loss was all from doing those 20 minutes of Pilate's in the morning, really evaluating everything I was eating and when, and doing those arm exercises in the evening. I was so thrilled and proud of myself. I was actually looking at myself in the mirror. I felt sexy again. I was happy, even if my marriage was as it had always been, I felt like the old me!!

1 comment:

  1. Wow...I've definitley experienced those moments you do things out of duty. Very brave of you to talk about it.