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Wednesday, 16 March 2011

I start my journey

I mentioned earlier that one day I was walking up the stairs after my child and I was out of breath when I got to the top and I decided then and there that it was time for me to do something.  This was a major influence on me, and I decided to do something, but it took me a few months, and another terrible event to get me into gear. My husband’s brother was killed suddenly in a car accident. He was my age, and he was here one minute and gone the next, literally. That got me thinking about how fragile life is, and how I shouldn’t be taking it for granted, but most of all it got me thinking of how embarrassing it would be to die looking the way I did.... Sick? Probably. Vain? Definitely. Terrifying ? Absolutely!
While traveling to another province to attend the funeral I had a hard time fitting in the airplane seat. I fit, but the poor person sitting beside me was “enjoying” way more of my “personality” than either of us wanted. I was so embarrassed. I remember trying to will myself to get back into my own seat. I was squishing myself towards the window as hard as I could. About half way through I realized that all I was doing was giving myself a cramp, no matter how hard I tried I was still spilling out of the seat.
I had rented a car on line ahead of time, so things would be faster once I got to the airport. Since I would only need the car for the 2 hour drive from the airport, and then 2 hours back again in a few days, I rented the cheapest and therefore smallest car possible.  Well, this was another uncomfortable ride. At home I drove a van, much bigger seats, way more room....
The day of the funeral was horrible for all the obvious reasons, but also seeing so many people that I hadn’t seen in years was so embarrassing. Seeing the looks of shock on their faces was obvious, and some people didn’t even recognise me! Of course everyone was hugging me!!! Just in case they couldn’t see that I had gained about 110 lbs, (you know if they had gone blind for example,) they now were getting a good feel of all that fat. I was so embarrassed. I spent way too much time that day and the next few days avoiding eye contact, thinking about how I was sitting, (up straight, so the fat doesn’t roll out so much, or better yet standing up,) and monitoring what I was eating, (we all know what people think when they see us fat folks eat, or at least we think we know,) that I’m sure I wasn’t the help that I should have been to my grieving in-laws. To this day I still feel some sadness that I was so self absorbed because of my fat that I don’t feel like I mourned my brother-in-law properly.
When I got home in February of 2005 I decided that I had to make a change in my life. I wanted to do all I could to be a healthy, active Mom for my child, for however long I possibly could. That is when I borrowed the Pilates DVD’S from my friend, began to really evaluate everything I was eating and started with the stickers on the calendar.
In my next post I will give a bit more detail on what I was doing and how it was working. Thanks for reading, and commenting, or not....lol.

4 comments:

  1. Sometimes it takes an event as you describe to get our attention. I know I have felt the embarrassment of those "once over" looks that people try not to do but can't help it. Keep blogging and reading the blogs of others - it really helps. I read my blogs each morning to get me started on the right foot. It does all come down to our own resolve and determination. I am losing my weight 10lb. at a time. Short term goals help when there is a lot to lose. You will be healthier with each 10lb. you lose.

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  2. I have definitely had those fat = social pariah days! It's rough because it consumes you because you believe others are focused on it and that causes you to focus on it more...it's a terrible cycle.

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  3. I so relate to a lot of what you said here. Life is very fragile, indeed. It can be quite shocking.

    Airline travel - right. I do not even want to go there. Why are some people so good at hiding the shock in their eyes and others...well, their eyes just about pop out of their head.

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  4. I can relate too. Isnt it sad/ crazy how focused on weight we become that it affects everything? It's motivation to lose/ continue to lose, to be able to have normal experiences.

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